First time posting but this sight has been a tremendous support. My situation;
My wife had affair 5 years ago with a mutual friend from our social group (more about him later). At the time she denied it and i had no proof. I basically swept it all under the rug and went on with life. I was out of town on extended travel a lot over the last 4 years.
Over the last year being home i had to face my emotions about the affair and her continued friendship with him. I have not dealt with it well, excessive drinking, withdrawn emotionally from my wife (not respecting or showing love as i should) and even abusive on several occasions. My being drunk is no excuse for my behavior. My wife grew up being sexually abused. She would agree that i have always been supportive and have helped her in dealing with this over the years. she has every right to walk.... I have no excuse. I am ashamed and sorrowful for the pain both physically and emotionally I have caused her. I felt i needed to be up front about this.
After going out with our group of friends and seeing her dance with this guy was too much for me to handle. I told her she needed to choose him or me. Over the next few weeks she basically said she has not been happy for a long time. I suggested she move out and she agreed. I regret that i ever said this, and wish we could have used our time in the same house to try and get counseling together, not sure she would have even considered it at that time.
After much reading, DB, How To Win Your Wife Back, and many hours on this site and others I see that my wife has shown many signs of MLC over the last several years, but still can't distinguish for sure; periods of heavy drinking, excessive flirtation, withdrawn, not happy with anything in her life... maybe i just want to blame it on MLC rather than accept all of the other possibilities?
We have had several good conversations since our separation and she has said she does not want to loose the friendship with me, we have been together since High School. We have only recently started seeing each other at social gatherings with our friends. We are social but she is very reserved and uncomfortable around me. I have really been doing my best at PMA and Acting As If. Trying to do 180 on my lack of concern i showed her over the last few years.
Here is my real struggle. She has said that the affair was only physical one time. This is consistent with an email I intercepted on my computer. But she is very, very emotionally attached to him and I continue to struggle if there is more going on. He is a doctor and has treated her for many ailments over the years and in my opinion is helping her to have a more positive outlook on life. Trying to help her to find her "happiness" and to come out of her shell. I have talked with him and even given him Michell's Blog on EA's. He does not see their relationship as an EA. He is neither pro-marriage nor pro-divorce, he believes we need to do whatever we feel best to find our happiness, be it together or apart. I know he does not speak ill of me to her and has told me i need to give her time. (I hear that...)
So I have this struggle that on one hand I believe he is truly trying to help her, she has suffered much and from what i have read and see needs help. He is trying to help her regain some sanity and to find herself. On the other hand I blame him for her pulling away from me and wonder if I can ever live in a relationship with her when I know she is giving herself so emotionally to someone else. I have told myself that i need to try and look at him as I would a therapist trying to help her??
I read an archive post by snodderly "My Thoughts On Why They Run Away During Their Crisis", that hit me hard. I want to say that I am strong enough to look beyond the past and forgive but it is just so hard right now. Am i kidding myself that there is hope for us?
