Fine points all around.

I'm still pretty unclear because I'm not attracted to her. I look at her and I no longer see the person of strength that I'd known for years. I see someone that has no business looking at me with such contempt - when she looks at me. I don't have any feelings of wanting for my W. I do not think of where she is, where she goes, or who she may or may not be with. I can't get past the choice she made and what it's doing to our kids.

I can't stop believing that I'm worth fighting for and IF there was ever any chance of reconciling, I know it will take two people to make it happen, but right now I'm not interested in doing anything except stand back and see how she fights for ME. Again with the pipe dream though.....

That's part of what makes me so confused. I'm not longing for something I can't have and don't have with my W. I just can't stop looking years beyond after the dust has settled. That's what I want to stop longing for - the future that may never be.

I would also like to note that when I say I want to meet someone, I'm referring to people in general. A new circle of a select few that are just good friends, male or female. I've learned to see life so differently during my W's MLC and I want to share that with other people. Not sure how just yet since I've been out of the social loop, but I'll get there. Things do tend to fall into place when I just let them.....

Okay, now with that out of the way......

Today was the day I'd had enough. The kids didn't want to have to wake up at 5:30AM so that their mom could drop them off at the house with me. I'm unable to meet half way tomorrow so she wanted to meet tonight so I could get the kids. She asked me over the phone about coming over to move furniture into the garage so that she could get done faster this weekend before I got back into town. She asked if I would help her tomorrow evening with that. I told her I would help, but I knew I needed to be honest with her.

When we met to trade the kids, while they sat in the car for a few minutes I told my wife that I know I've been distant, that it's due to several things going on right now ( cancer, school, work, divorce ) and it's throwing me off my equilibrium. I didn't get into specifics about it with what these things are that's pulling me everywhere since it's not about me and I get that.

I told her that I know she wants to be friends, but right now I needed to get back to center. I told her that I did not agree with the decision she made, but I'm not her enemy and I don't hate her. I just can't do the friend thing right now.

Her response, and why I'm not very attracted to her these days, (she takes me for an idiot) was along the lines of how she knew how I felt. It's how she's felt these past few years. She's trying hard to be friends because of the kids, in hopes that it will ease their stress with the situation. She spoke to me as though I should finally see how she's felt all this time (whatever). She said she's talked to me more in the past two weeks than she had in a long time ( and who's fault is that my Dear? ).

I kept my opinions to myself and watched and listened as she justified what she could. What really set me off (internally) is that she asked me if I would not change the code on the garage door yet as she will be unable to get everything moved out that she intends to take with her in the 2.5 days I've given her since I'll be out of town and she can take whatever she wants. I did not agree, but I told her we will revisit that later and would not change the code without telling her first.

It doesn't matter that she said she'd be respectful and call in advance. That's B.S.. Once she serves me papers, that's where I draw the line for sure. At the latest I'll wait until the kids start school back up in August. After that it will have been long enough. I'm so sick of this.

That's where I think my W dictates how I feel. I feel like I can't have 'me' back until I control/change my surroundings. Fine then. For now I will continue to be cautious and live a bare bones existence. My life is mine and I don't want to share any of it with her until I've given it to me first. If there's no "us" then I want first dibs on me.
<RANT>