My story, my progress, my hope

[labug]

2 buts

BUT

who's counting?

[Tinman]

Hi labug,
I saw that after i posted the last one:-( I know who is counting:-)

[Mach1]

I am such an idiot! My kids text my W if we could come down and go swimming. She said sure and that she would join us. We had such a wonderful time yesterday and today it started out nice and we were pretty comfortable and I opened up a little. Some please sew my lips shut. We talked about some of what we were going through and that discussion evolved into some of what happened in the past which turned into her telling me that I push too much and basically ruin her wanting to be with me. 5 min before she was asking me to feel the muscles in her legs and then I made a comment about sex burning off lots of calories and she laughed and responded that she would keep that in mind. Meaning others. Thank kind of caught me off guard. I was like thanks a lot. She said oh you mean with you. Well that would be uncomfortable. I was like why we are still married. Her response was yes but we live in separate houses and are separated.
This lead to her saying I push her too much and in turn I said that maybe I am still trying to hold on too tight and was too needy but told her she has made comments about a few other guy friends and it concerns me (one of them all the time but lives in another state). She said she has been telling me all along that she is happy with her life as it is. She has her little house, her boys, her group of friends and she does not have to worry about us. She said I can’t just let things be. She is right, I miss her so much and then yesterday I felt like I was falling in love with her all over again and now I messed that up again. At that point she said that I was making the whole situation too difficult and she just wanted to go inside and forget about it.
I feel like giving up because it really should not have to hurt this bad!

The next time you think that you can say something to change this...

Take out a butter knife, and stick it into an electrical outlet...

It will have the same effect on you.

Didn't 'thinking' get you here ???




I guess my first question would be..(see bold above)

Why are the kids asking her to go swimming ? Is that something that you wanted ?

Convince me otherwise, that you didn't use that as an excuse to be around her in some way....


I'm not sure you are understanding what distance, and creating mystery mean(i.e.-nothing to do with Scooby Doo). Or going down cheeseless tunnels, or 180's...


Did you read DB/DR ???

The 37 rules ???


You may not see this..

This is hard on her too. This was not an easy decision for her to make. Whenever you push her, you are rubbing her nose into it.

You are still there to remind her that you haven't changed one bit, and are still the same person that she wants to get away from. By you telling her that you still love her, all your actions are saying is....is that you still want YOUR way.

Your actions are screaming like a five year old at the Ice Cream shop. I want my way !!!!!


STOP....drink a large, cool glass of STFU, and listen to her, walk away first, create a little mystery. Let her come to you because she wants to, not because you forced her to....


Clear as Mud ???

[Tinman]

Clear as mud!

I have been reading the DR book but DB book appears to be coming from china as I ordered it 2 weeks ago from amazon.
My co-dependency book came yesterday so i started on the section on detachment.

My kids have a very good relationship with her and she has asked that I not interfere. The kids were the main reason we found two homes that were just a few houses apart. That way they can see each other whenever they want. It was actually her idea but now I am thinking it was kind of a stupid move in my part. Thought it would keep us close and allow us to work things out.

I had a hard time sleeping last night and it kind of hit me that things went south when I mentioned the guy she has been texting every day since she dropped the bomb. He lives in another state so I am sure there is no PA but guessing she has feelings for him. At this point really does not matter and I need to keep those thoughts out of my head.

[Mach1]

My kids have a very good relationship with her and she has asked that I not interfere. The kids were the main reason we found two homes that were just a few houses apart. That way they can see each other whenever they want. It was actually her idea but now I am thinking it was kind of a stupid move in my part. Thought it would keep us close and allow us to work things out.

Then let them have that. It doesn't have to include you right now.

Tinman says- I have some things I need to do, is it okay if I pick the girls up later ?


Then you won't have to sit there drooling over her in her bikini all afternoon...with a pup tent in your trunks...which BTW, is kind of creepy

You can DB from across the world, or you can DB from 10 feet away. The bottom line should be that YOU want to be different, sharpen your relationship skills, and make better choices.

Her living close to you, can become another , in a long line, of excuses for not doing better....

I had a hard time sleeping last night and it kind of hit me that things went south when I mentioned the guy she has been texting every day since she dropped the bomb. He lives in another state so I am sure there is no PA but guessing she has feelings for him. At this point really does not matter and I need to keep those thoughts out of my head.

I fixed that for you ^^^^


Look buddy...

You are treating this as if it was over already. I can tell you that it is far from over. Although if you don't back off, and give some space, it will move quicker than you would like.

You have a crap pile of things that you need to address , and end, before you can fully invest yourself into ANY relationship.

You don't need to say that, you just need to live that. No excuses for not doing it. Just do it.

Once your legal battles are over, then you look toward the Sun, and move forward with everything else.

You don't need her, to lead you, in going after custody of your girls, which BTW...you had with another woman...

Saavy ??


As far as the legal stuff.....

Do you have an appointed Guardian ????

CPS will not make those decisions, although most judges will take their opinion into a stronger consideration than your average Joe saying it. The same goes for a Guardian that is appointed for the children.

As far as my story ????

It's on here, you just have to dig a little to find it...

Start with ...threads by DBmod a few months ago...




That is learning to fish isn't it Cadet ???

[cat04]

Tinman,

Took some time to catch up.

You have quite a mess on your hands it appears.

I can empathize with your W. Dealing with a crazy X and child issues can be a huge strain. And while you WANT to understand and you WANT to accept, sometimes you also WANT to be the priority in your SO's life. Even if it is only for a few hours. And you also want to feel that your children are as important to your SO as his are to him.

Your honeymoon, was probably one of those times.

Her children having a good relationship with their Dad doesn't let you off of the hook from trying to form a good relationship with them either. It might not be a "father" role but you are her H and a male presence in their lives. Taking that more seriously in the future is very important.

I want to caution you about expectations. I see that you seem to have huge expectations regarding you winning custody and how that will affect your M. Right now, I would let those go. Just because you obtain full custody (and I hope that you do), it isn't going to make your X go away. She will still be able to crazy make if you allow her to. And I think your W is afraid of that. And I don't know if I think you having full custody is going to make her change her mind. She may view the situation differently and watch to see what actually happens, but it isn't going to be the miracle that you are looking for.

WHY?

Because there are no "magic bullets" around here. There are no tricks, no "if I just do this it will work" answers.

This takes work. This takes committment. This takes time and patience.

I have showered her with love and done everything possible to help her and to be kind to her but she says she feels like we are not equals. She said that she wants someone to be strong and be an equal partner in the marriage. It’s so hard to hear things like that when you are putting your own feelings aside and trying to make sure your once partner has everything they need.

This stood out to me from your first post.

While it is important for a man to make the female in his life feel important, he also needs to be strong. Self assured. Confident. Not iron fisted or controlling, but in control. Women look for that in men whether they are consciously aware of it or not.

You have a few men with those qualities posting on your thread right now. Mach1, Truegritter...

Listen to them.

[Tinman]

Hi cat04,

Thanks for taking the time to catch up on my mess. I agree that even if I get full custody, my XW will still be doing anything and everything she can to make sure no one around her is happy. I need to figure out how to set boundries with her and not fall into the traps I have in the past. I do think having full custody will make those boundries a little easier to set in place.

I have tried to step it up with her boys and I realize that I failed my W and them. So yes I get that now and guess I have been so "desperate" to fix things I have not taken the time to understand what I really need to do.

I am very greatful to all th folks who have offered words of encouragment, advice and a good ars kicking when need.

[Truegritter]

So this morning I decided that I just am not to that point. I am still married and still very much in love with my W and hopeful for the future. I don't really care what she or others might think. Next time I take it off it will be because I am done.

A lot has happened here since you posted this and I have been off the boards.

I see my friends have joined you here...

Your ring is a symbol BUT not in the sense that you used to think. At least for me it became something different.

Instead of what it showed the outside world I saw it as a testament, a prize for what I was struggling toward.

I took mine off. I struggled with what did that say to others? My W?

I decided. F@ck em. My marriage was dead. Not over but dead. A new one was my goal or a new me. One would mean I would put that ring back on

WHEN I WAS READY TO DO IT.

If you want to quit then make sure you are doing it for your own reasons not becuase someone made you do it.

It is a difference between letting life and another's choice condemn you (victim and an excuse not take responsibility for your own happiness)

or

Surviving and thriving because you decided to do it.

No excuses.

Sometimes it takes standing in the fire of hurt and rejection to understand what love really means.

And how to love and take care of yourself.

That is no one else's responsiblity BUT yours.

[Tinman]

Thanks Truegritter, I have gotten a lot of good advice in the last few days and while some on it not easy to hear it has been very helpful.
I agree with you on the ring and I choose to wear it. One I am not done and don't intend to give up so easily. The next time I take it off it will be because I am ready to and basically done with this M.
I still feel like we are supposed to be together. She is so focused on the negatives in the past and I am a bit jaded in that I only remember how good we were together.
She has some things she needs to work on and I have a lot of my own issues to work on before that part has a chance at moving forward.

Again thank you and the others for jumping in and pointing the way. Not easy trying to find ones way through this nightmare.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Let me point something out that I think got a little lost here.

I'm going to speak for Grit so if Imispeak I hope he corrects me, I also hope that if I got it right he'll mention that too.

He said

My marriage was dead. Not over but dead. A new one was my goal or a new me. One would mean I would put that ring back on

I hope you understand that he wasn't saying he was done with his wife at the time. That he was moving on.

You can do that, I'll even cheer you on...after you give your best shot, if that is what you choose to do. Hell all these people will, if you give your best shot...but those accolades should mean...nothing. They're not the reason you do...anything, unless your an attentionwhore.

When he says that his marriage was dead? That he still wanted to be with his wife, BUT that it had to be with a new marriage, new boundaries, guidelines and commitment.

Sometimes a marriage is so broken? That it is better...not quicker, but better to build a new one, and let the old sick broken one...die. Sometimes you even have to kill it.