New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

One thing to expect, sometimes doing a 180 on their core needs makes them even angrier, if you can do this now, why did you make them suffer without it for so long? Don't let her anger indicate that you should change course -- keep going! Often things will get worse before they get better

[roughenough]

I don’t feel I’ve done a lot regarding the 180’s, especially the really important ones that Accuray nailed on the head. Thank you for giving me specific ideas about the 180’s. The suggestions you gave me seem right on,they will help give me the momentum to get the ball rolling. These 180’s seem VERY difficult. I was told this wouldn’t be easy but I know I have to put in the work!

[Accuray]

FWIW, there were many things in my marriage that I figured out in retrospect I was just "assuming" W would take care of -- buying the kids clothes, making the kids lunch in the morning to take to school, there were a million little things like that. It makes sense to list out everything it takes to run the household, provide for the kids, etc. Run through the list and look at the stuff you NEVER do, and ask why you never do it? Make it fair game for you to start.

There is one other interesting dynamic -- assume that you and W start your marriage where you take turns doing the dishes. If W is 5 seconds faster than you, eventually she's going to do it more and you're going to do it less, because she's better at it. Eventually, she'll get even faster, and you'll get even slower due to lack of practice. If you try to do the dishes then, it will make her nuts, because you're SO much less efficient than she is. You'll feel worthless and she'll think you're worthless at it.

It's easy to give in to those situations and just bow out, but if you do that enough, you create a domestic support crisis.

When you run through your list, there will be things that she does way better than you do, but that does NOT mean that you should never do them. You might have to insist that you're going to do it anyway, and keep doing it some proportion of the time. As you learn the ropes you'll get better. You may never get to be as good, but part of "the work" is to insert yourself into those tasks anyway and insist that you be given a chance to do them.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Journal Entry:

So I went to my W apartment yesterday to pick up my S. I wanted to spend some time with him so we went to the park and then got some ice cream. He’s 8 and I love him so much. I’ve always told him the most important thing in life is family. Go figure, look at where I am at now in life!!! He’s having a really hard time handling this, it just breaks my heart.

I always let him know that he can tell me anything. I asked him how he’s feeling about things and his response was “why is mommy doing this to me”. I am not a vindictive person and I would never play sides, I told him that mommy’s not doing this to you. It’s not anyone’s fault and you did nothing wrong.

S and I stopped by the store on our way to drop him off and I did a rare thing, I initiated a call to the W to let her know that we were at the store and I would be dropping our S off in a couple minutes. I then asked her if she needed anything from the store. (This might have been a no, no when it comes to DBing but I feel I usually follow the basics for the most part). Her reply was “no thanks but thank you for asking”. I think my simple gesture got to her because she started to cry on the phone, she said this was the first time that she really missed us being together as a family. It was like things were sinking in for her!!! I am thinking to myself, are you serious? I’ve been missing out family this hole time!!!!
I told her “I appreciate you telling me this and I know that was probably not an easy thing for you to share with me”. I validated by letting her know that I understood.

When I dropped the S off she wanted to talk, at this stage in our sitch, this is a somewhat rare occurrence. She was telling me how hard it is and that she’s not used to living in a small apartment and that it’s so hard on her to see our S struggling with things. She asked me how I was doing, I kept it simple by just letting her know that I was doing good. She cried and I listened and validated. I remained calm and confident but also caring.

I don’t say a ton when this type of conversation comes up, I want to make sure I don’t get myself in trouble by opening my trap and saying the wrong things. Anyway, after our somewhat brief conversation I told her I needed to get going and that’s where things stand for now.

On a final note, I have my list of 180’s that I need to work on, it’s frustrating because most of my 180’s involve things that cost money and I don’t have very much. I am struggling to come up with ideas of things that I can do that won’t cost anything.

Me(M):37
W:42
T: 14
M: 11
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5
Stopped living together 5/5

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[roughenough]

One other thing. My W called my mother the other day. She wanted to go out for a bite to eat with my mother sometime in the next couple days. They’ve been friends for most of our M. It just seems like a touchy subject. My W told my mother they don’t need to talk about the sitch but I know it would be discussed. I just don’t know how to feel about this, thoughts?

[MrBond]

You can't do anything about it. This is between your mom and your W.

[Accuray]

Right, ignore it.

Accuray

[roughenough]

Ok, good advice, will do. On another note, I’ve came to the conclusion that my sitch consumes me. Yes, I have my friends and go out and do things but do others out there find this to be the case as well? It’s interesting how I analyze ever single interaction with the W. I have a question about one of my 180’s. I am finally working on paying off some of my old collection accounts. That’s one of the things that really drove the W bonkers. When we talk, finances come up regularly. Do any of you think it’s ok for me to casually slip in a comment that I’ve been trying to pay off some of those accounts? I think I can do a good job conveying the message without it coming across as…”hey, look at me, I am finally doing what you wanted”

[Accuray]

I’ve been trying to pay off some of those accounts

Unfortunately in DB-land "trying" doesn't mean anything. I wouldn't bring it up until they are paid off and you have your financial situation in order.

If she asks you about a particular debt that you have managed to close you, you can tell her "that one is paid off" and leave it at that, unless she asks more. The crucial, crucial point is that she needs to understand that you are adopting new behaviors as part of who you want to become. You are NOT "doing a bunch of things" to make her happy. If she believes you're just paying off the debts for her benefit, then she'll have NO confidence that you won't just get into debt again.

If she sees you acting in a new, more financially conservative way, getting a better job, cutting out extravagances, and doing it when no one is watching, that's when she starts to question if she "knows" exactly what you're going to do and what you're about, and that's what you want.

The strategy is do it for yourself. More than likely, she'll notice. The beauty of it is that even if she DOESN'T notice, you still feel good about yourself and come out of this situation stronger than when you went in.

Make sense?

Accuray

[Accuray]

I’ve came to the conclusion that my sitch consumes me.

Oh yeah, this is totally normal -- every waking minute spent thinking about it, sometimes dreaming about it. There are lots of things you can do to help with that, but only the passage of time will really make it better. It's very important to recognize what it does to you, so that you can accept and understand the state you're in. This can help you to NOT do things you shouldn't WRT W.

Accuray