Maybe it would help to look at things differently? If you were dating, and this happened, would you just shrug it off and wish her well? Could it be that you are holding on to what *should have* been? What *you were promised*?
Because there is no *should have been* as much as there *is*. Promises come from imperfect beings and may be well intentioned, but aren't often followed through on. That's how it *is* (not being cynical. Showing how to accept what is vs what should have been).
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I'm not looking for another W, I'm looking for someone that I can talk too and not think about my W. I think that realistically I'm desperate to meet anyone that doesn't know either of us so I can just be me, but with no disclaimers about what's happened in my life recently.
You don't need somebody else to be yourself, do you? Those are two very distinct desires you are expressing if you ask me.
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I know that my actions are speaking louder than words and everything I do or say will make/break any future. She says she deserves to be happy and that she isn't getting any younger, so what happens when she finally realizes that she's not turning back the clock at all like she thinks she is.
Then she gets to wonder if she made the right choice. You won't be there by the time that happens. In fact, I think the irony is that if you were there, she might not ever get there.
You can't go on that ride.
But since you know that your actions speak very loudly, perhaps you don't know what they say from her perspective? Perhaps you aren't accepting that this is not about you, so you're talking to a foreigner in a typical American way - louder. Possibly in hopes they'll get it? But they don't. They do and they don't. They do get it, but they won't change anything because of it.
As I recall, tomorrow is not promised to anyone. If you worry about tomorrow, you'll do two things: 1) wear yourself out and 2) show your W what a liar you are by your actions. You'll still be doing things for her and that's a lie aimed at manipulation. I wouldn't like that either...
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I really want so bad to let go, because I fear the possibility of my W telling me she's getting married. And that tells me I haven't let go and that I'm still holding onto a pipe dream.
It's not as bad as you think. There comes a point where you don't want them back. You are heading there even now. Like watching a train wreck, you have to watch but you begin to back away further and further. Until one day, you are actually glad that she is getting married and getting what she asked for. You don't want anything from them except to be left alone by them. Since she wants to be "friends" you have a long way to go. She wants you to accept her and her choices and accept the blame. You don't seem to want to do those things... go figure. But at some point, you won't care any longer. You'll want to be you more than you want to be what she wants. You'll see her differently. You won't be attracted to her. You won't be repulsed either necessarily. You'll be ambivalent. And you'll be you and wondering why you wasted so much time on her. You may even come back and pay forward the help you received here.
It does happen. You cannot make it different. You don't need nor want, to be an a?*. You want to focus on you and be the best dad and person you can be. Flaws and all....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
