Bustingout, you completely understand me. Having him over in the morning it's as if he never left, only better cuz we didn't have mornings together like this.
Before all this he would wake up super early and be out the door before we got out of bed. Now we're all up. I make breakfast while him and kids interact at the counter. We chit chat about all sorts of things. Laugh about the kids silly comments or expressions. We're a family every morning.
Now he comes over after work and instead of taking them to his moms or me going somewhere, he hangs out. waters the lawn. feeds the dog. watches tv w S4. and I clean up around the house. again. We're a family.
But every night, after he drops off S4 and tucks kids in bed, he leaves. and we're a family of 3 again.
I'm emotionally drained but something in me keeps going and I wish it wouldn't. I wish I could just sever the ties and continue my life without him.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Wow, that is exactly how it was for me and my family. Exactly. A family in the morning and a family after work until bedtime.
I always thought it was a good thing to do for the family and for our R The more he was at home the more he could start to feel comfortable around me and hence spend more time with the kids.
Now we are in summer mode. And in fact we are not in the country right now. He is in PA and has basically not been home since March. So actually I am not sure what will happen when we get back into the school routine.
A part of me would like to have him feel as comfortable as possible at home. But then another part of me wants to put boundaries. But, If I can truly detach, I shouldn't really be bothered when he comes every morning and after work.
Hmmm.. I don't know. Something to think about it.
But doesn't it seem so easy to be together as a family? It really makes me wonder why there is all the drama and existential dilemmas4 going on when as a family everything just feels so right.
Bt I guess this is their journey. And now we have our own.
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
This morning H said he thinks he may never commit to someone.
This is WAS script and remember to believe nothing you hear. Keep working your plan based on your goals. You have set some goals correct?
Originally Posted By: veroprado
I'm emotionally drained but something in me keeps going and I wish it wouldn't. I wish I could just sever the ties and continue my life without him.
I think you need to dig a little deeper here. What is it that is best for you and your life moving forward, without H?
It seems to me that h is cake eating and its causing you emotional pain. I have been in a similar situation and I think its important that we not look to them to fill our emotional needs because they are gone.
Put the oxygen mask on you first V, get yourself emotionally healthy independent of you h. If that requires you to set a firm boundary then formulize how you would like to implement it.
bustingout-FINALLY! someone who gets me! in al anon i've learned that detaching slowly is best. also getting rid of his physical presence doesn't need to be the only resort. ugh! but this is hard!
SIAS-O2-i need O2! i've thought a lot about this and struggle with it. 1-i'm a SAHM n i will b A LOT mr independent if i worked but i will hate myself the entire time bcuz i LOVE being home. i'm waiting for his next paycheck to even us out where i will live off of our rental property. (patience is needed 4 this 1) 2-i live in our house and he does repairs while his dad cares for the yardwork. i would need to rent out the house n move to an apt, close to a park...(motivation to let go and move out needed)
other than that he's made comments saying, i hope it helps that i come n get the kids ready (mumbles- although i think u don't need me) I've noticed that he now sees that he needs us more than we need him.
My goals geez, haven't thought about that... my goals have always been R goals. but now, 1-to build back my self-esteem (continue with IC, journaling, picking up the guitar again) 2-get a sponsor and work the program (attend mtgs often and read literature) 3-stick to my 180s (especially managing my anger) 4-continue to improve my R with my family and friends 5-make new friends that a-don't know about sitch, b-share similar lifestyles (SAHM)
I have learned to be patient but I am growing increasingly impatient (my old ways) and want a quick fix (cut him out) Thank you for this questions SAIS it's a reminder for me and I needed it!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
It seems like a very hard situation. At least you are still able to stay home with your children. I feel bad for my daughter because I've been home with her the whole time and now that WAH filed divorce I need to find a job and an apartment and uproot her whole life because of his decision and his MLC(?). It makes me so angry that he has such power over our life.
Your goals sound great! How are your kids doing with the situation?
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
I agree with putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first.
BUT
Do the kids love seeing their dad in the morning? Does it brighten their day the same way it does his?
The main thing I have learned through this journey is life is full of motives and perspectives.
IF you're kids are happier, more loving children because your H decides the spend the morning with them - that is such a blessing.
There are people on this board whose WAH abandoned his kids.
I say this not to minimize your pain. It must hurt like hell and I honestly can't imagine (I don't have kids)
But I do believe you have the power to focus on the positive that your H wants a relationship with his them....
.. and although it is super painful for you in this moment in time... I think this would be an instance that 20 yrs from now when your D is walking down the aisle on her wedding day and her dad gives her away....
... you will say to yourself.. I'm so glad I made that choice so long to not let my pain get in the way of their relationship.
KWIM?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Right now you are trying to restore your marriage and do what works. You have spent the past year having him come over whenever was convienent and he was able to pretend he was not leaving his family.
This strategy over the past year it appears has not brought you closer to r.
I think you should try a new strategy which would have the added benefit of allowing you to detach. Try it for 3-6 months and if there is no shift in your h attitude you can reevaluate
Val thoughts were much more karmicly aligned but just thought I would add my 2cents for what it's worth
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I feel like I have Val on one shoulder and Brooke on the other. And this is where I feel conflicted.
He said, I'm not asking you to have patience or hope. I don't know what will come of this.
Seriously?? You have f-- benefited from me having patience and hope. It's BECAUSE I have/had patience and hope that you come and go as you f-- please. It's BECAUSE I had patience and hope that I haven't gotten an atty involved. It's BECAUSE I had patience and hope that I don't physically detach!
So don't f-- come to me and tell me as if you're wiping your hands clean of my frustrations! I have not told him this, yet. Waiting for a time when I'm calm and composed.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
