TIME for a change

[Broken74]

Hi 25, I was pushed for time on my last reply so I wanted to elaborate on some of your points. Note I am not trying to argue or defend myself in any way here.

I agree I still have work to do on myself, that will be a continual exercise. I am sober, have 8 DV/anger management sessions left (instructor says I am making great progress), and read a lot. Work and GAL keep me extremely busy so I have little idle time.

Regarding anger, I haven’t projected any anger toward my wife in recent months, I think the last time I lost my cool during a conversation with her was in March. Since then I have been nothing but upbeat and positive toward her, minus my unwanted pursuit attempts I guess. I dislike many of her choices, but can’t say I’m angry about them, since I know I have no control over them in any way. She may or may not be seeing the OM at this point, perhaps she is still talking to/getting emotional support from him at this point, but I doubt she is seeing him since she’s recovering, not that any of that matters.

I am trying to show “love” for her the only ways I can at this point. By being there when she reaches out to me. By offering my support in any way that’s it’s needed, and by investing in my stepkids future to show my concern/love for them since I can’t spend time with her. I understand the opinions that the joke was in bad taste. I’m obviously frustrated, I didn’t mean any malice toward my wife. If I could take all her pain away I would do it in a second. The love that I am trying to show is for her, not for me. I guess my actions are selfish since I am effectively forcing myself on her since she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t understand how I can show her love by doing anything else but trying to help her.

Point taken on having the requests, that’s why I have been trying to be dark. I haven’t been trying to steer her behavior, aside from my pursuit. She offered up the info about the OM, I didn’t ask.

You say “Going dark IS better than pressuring her the way you do, but it's too bad you see no other options. I think that's the main overrall problem.

Then what are my other options? If I initiate communication I am persuing. If I try to do anything nice I’m persuing. What other choice to I have but to go dark?

There is no way that she can see I am really different, because I haven’t seen her since February and we barely speak. What I am DOING that is so different is giving her the space she wanted, showing unconditional love the only ways I know how given the situation I’m in. What I am DOING that she doesn’t see is being sober, not fraternizing with other women, and working on not being a self centered prick. I know I will never speak with any woman in any way other than kind ever again. But she doesn’t have any evidence of any of this because WE DON”T COMMUNICATE.

I don’t see how I’m glossing over my cheating. It happened. After we got engaged I was nothing but faithful to my wife. I told her I ended things and am not seeing anybody, don’t see that that matters to her.

I will further explore the co-dependent road. I realize that we can be “happy” without a member of the opposite sex in our lives. We also could be “happy” without ice cream, movies, days at the park the list goes on and on. Every man is dependent on a woman to fulfill his sexual desires. This is not something you can do for yourself without taking matters into your own hands if you will. I am a very sexual person, always have been always will be. To be quite honest there are number of things about trying to keep a woman happy that I don’t miss, sex certainly is not one of those things.

So yes I have a tendency to go from one female relationship to another, primarily for this reason, which I have broken that cycle at this point.

So I am still working on me and will continue to do so. I am “happy” but I would be “happier” if I was not sleeping alone tonight.

On your other points regarding the hysterectomy, from what I read that will wreak havoc on her hormones and thoughts and feelings. That is why I say it is going to make things harder for me. Not for me directly, but for me to make any headway in my sitch. My thoughts on visiting her were to try and help her out and make things better for her as I could, what else am I supposed to do or could I offer? Seeing her would be a byproduct of that but was not why I asked to see her. I am a white knight/broken bird syndrome by nature, I wanted to help her.

I answered some of the other questions in prior post in that the procedure was not a surprise it was expected because of ovarian cysts/endometriosis.

I don’t have any expectations of the love I’m giving. All roads point toward we will be getting divorced. That is what I expect. I am giving love to her and my stepkids in the only way I know how.

Like I’ve said in the past the way I communicate can be taken the wrong way sometimes. All of my actions in this are sincere, my goal since this all started has been to try and reconcile my M. I have taken many wrong turns obviously. I thought things were going to take a significant turn when she reached out to me about her sister. I was wrong, I think that was just her doing a touch and go.

I hate that she is going through this, she may or may not be going through it alone I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t know where to go or what to do from here.

I sent her get well flowers today because I did the same for her sister when she was in the hospital. The card simply said “I’ve been thinking about and praying for you and hope you feel better soon. If there is anything you need or that I can do for you just say the word”. In my book that’s being a decent human being, not pursuit so hopefully that is ok.

I guess my strategy will be to go dark, but check in once in a while to see how she’s doing or if she needs anything. Like I said I don’t know what else to do and welcome any suggestions you guys may have.

Thanks again for your feedback and good luck to all in your respective sitch’s!