Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

i just came back from an appointment with IC.i was expecting to feel good, instead i'm back in a difficult place.

after hearing about the b'day party and how h has been behaving - she was a bit appalled - she thought it was a really bad idea to host a big bash together . the hour ended with her basically telling me that i need to figure out what to do - that she thought it was all of us enabling him - by letting him give the impression that everything was okay.

i have waffled through the night - going back and forth, and trying to do it was calmly as i can.

she thought it was bizarre that he wanted to do it in the first place - something that meant a lot to us all these years.

1. do i just take this as an opportunity to do something positive together - is it positive?
2. do i let him know my real feelings: "h, i actually don't want to do this because i don't really want to do something like this with you, while we are in this sitch"
3. just stay quiet and co-operative, and allow him to do what he thinks he wants to do, and let him figure out the difficulties on his own - in other words, not bring my feelings into the equation at all.

i guess my dilemma here is, do i stand up for my own needs or put s's needs in front of mine.
s wants this party - for whatever reason - most probably as an indicator that everything hasn't changed. and i just want to move ahead into really living this separation.

can't help thinking that when h feels like it, he wants to do something together - like go on the boulder school trip, and then he chooses to withdraw and go ahead with whatever he wants to be doing.same with the party.

in the context of db'ing and finding the right solutions, is it more solution oriented to just go with what they want to do, when they are willing (no matter what there motives may be, or can be interpreted as), or to lean more towards just separating more fully?

i can't help thinking that i am being tested here - in some way by him. i can't figure out what the test is. there have been a lot of small hints recently - him insisting i do little things his way - as if he is really trying to find out if i am listening to him. things that he shouldn't even be concerned about - like which bedroll i use on a camping trip.

since that was one of his biggest grievances, that he didn't feel heard and i never listened to what he wanted - i find myself leaning toward , just listening to how he wants to do it, and saying okay and just going with it.

is my resistance here more about not feeling in control? that the picture in my mind that i want to see is both of us deciding together, not just being told. but if i look back, i can see how i tended to do that with him - only difference that i didn't growl it at him

sigh - these invites should be sent out by now. and i have this urge (questionable) whether i should talk it out honestly with him before hand or not.

when i recited a couple of the conversations recently with h to IC today, and asked her for advice on how to respond correctly so that we could really communicate - she said that his responses were typical of someone who 1. did not know how to begin to communicate and 2. did not want to learn how (iow, unwilling and unable).

oth, she said i was unable but willing - i don't know how to put my point across but was at least aware and willing to learn how to do it.

what a quandary!! i find myself realizing for the first time, that i have the same complaint that h does about me. i am scared and nervous to lay my real feelings out because experience has taught me that they will be rebuffed and rejected and pounced upon and totally dismissed. the sad thing is that h NEVER let me know his feelings, but STILL feels that i did that to him

so in this present situation, even though i want to tell him how i really feel about this party, i am too scared to do so....

can anyone help me see what my real dilemma is about here? is it just my ego, and wanting certain things, am i approaching it from the correct standpoint. i'm not trying to over analyze here - just trying to figure out what is me and what is too mixed and dysfunctional to make any sense of

tahnks
zig