My story, my progress, my hope

[Tinman]

Wow Mach1 you have given me a lot to think about.
To address a few of your comments
- I went back and read it again and tried to do it as an outsider but not that easy to do. Sounds like someone who needs to take control of their own life instead of letting those around him decide for him.
- Co-Dependency – I have started reading the book but right now not much.
- Food / Shopping addiction – I went to an over eater’s anonymous meeting. A bit of a bust but looking to go back to additional meetings and to listen and understand how to better address my addiction/dependencies.
- Social – Working on pushing myself out of comfort zone and yes it is difficult. I have some issues to address. Need to be a little more humble, less critical, less sarcastic, more open and accepting of others. Wow I sound like a complete looser!
- Custody of my kids – Being a father is one thing that I think I do well. My EW managed to mess me up pretty good. I know step up and be a man…
o I know that this is the right thing to do for my kids. I hate that it is tearing my W and I apart. In the long run I do know that this is the only shot I have at keeping my kids safe and my new family together.
o What is there to be afraid of- Loosing because if I can’t get the court to listen this time I am done in so many ways. My girls will have to keep enduring a physically and emotionally abusive mother and I will certainly loose the only woman who has ever made me feel truly loved! So yes I am a little concerned especially having been through this before.
- Can you help me understand the comment about owning the but’s.
o I do follow that it starts with my thoughts and that it appears that I am making excuses.
I can’t thank you enough for the time and energy that you have spent in corresponding with me on my issues.
I love the OZ line!

[Tinman]

sayitaintso. Thanks for the comments! I understand what you are saying about needing her to come back on her own. Sometimes I have it all straight in my head and feel good about things and then something happens and I get thoughts of her hooking up with one of her friends and it messes me up. She is such a good person but she has also made a few comments to me that make it sound like she fully expects me to start dating and she tells me that would be ok because we don't live together. Then I tell her I am still married and not giving up on us. She says she is not interested in being in a relationship again but at some point I am sure she will and those are the thoughts that get me down. I have not brought up anytihgn about us in over a month but these are the things we have talked about prior to learning to shut my mouth!

I know it is none of my buisness if she dates but for me if she starts dating someone then I will probobly not be able to deal with that and need to let her go for good.

[Tinman]

My W came down to get her son who has been down at my house playing with my kids all day. She stayed and we chatted in the other room for close to 2 hours. It was pretty light I tried to listen more than I spoke.
She brought up moving forward with filing the seperation papers. She is trying to get a reduced payment on her student loan and in order to do that she has to show that she no longer has my income so it needs to be formaly submitted thru the court. I trust that what she said it true. I told her that what ever she needed me to sign was fine. I slipped and said that at this point I will willing to sign the seperation or divorce papers. What ever she wanted to move forward with. I said that it did not feel like to wanted to try and work on anything so either way I would do what she wanted. She said that was a whole other conversation for another day. Trying to remember what she said but it came across as she did not care either way. She said that the seperation papers would go thru quicker as the divorce papers took 60 days to process.
Anyway, I said to her that I would prefer doing the formal seperation because I have not given up on us. Not much of a responce but that little side track took about 5 min and then we were back to talking about anything and everything else.

I should have not said that about going either way on seperation or divorce. I need to learn to stop being so dramatic!

All in all it was a good chat. She volenteered to go to see the court appointed custody evaluator with me tomorrow. She said she knows that she will have to wait in the lobby but it would be good for him to see that she is still involved and part of the kids lives.
I love her and she is such a good person and yes I miss her. I did not her any of those things even though I wanted to.
So how bad did I screw up?

[labug]

You really need to open a can of STFU when she comes around.

You know what you shouldn't have said

I told her that what ever she needed me to sign was fine. I slipped and said that at this point I will willing to sign the seperation or divorce papers. What ever she wanted to move forward with. I said that it did not feel like to wanted to try and work on anything so either way I would do what she wanted.

A better thing to say might be...NOTHING. You don't have to make things better or easier for her. If she needs to do those things let her do them. Of course you won't sign anything without consulting a L, right?

Read Codependent No More book as soon as you get it.

Quell your need to fill the empty spaces in a conversation.

[Mach1]

- I went back and read it again and tried to do it as an outsider but not that easy to do. Sounds like someone who needs to take control of their own life instead of letting those around him decide for him.

So what part of taking control of your life depends on you ?

Oh wait, I didn't see the 'but'...

You are correct...it is not easy. It's also not impossible

Nothing in life that is worth doing, is ever easy.

It is the 'but' that allows you an out, when the going gets tough

- Co-Dependency – I have started reading the book but right now not much.

I'm afraid to ask about this 'but'.....

- Food / Shopping addiction – I went to an over eater’s anonymous meeting. A bit of a bust but looking to go back to additional meetings and to listen and understand how to better address my addiction/dependencies.

So are you going back ? Or is the 'but' gonna keep you away ?

- Social – Working on pushing myself out of comfort zone and yes it is difficult. I have some issues to address. Need to be a little more humble, less critical, less sarcastic, more open and accepting of others. Wow I sound like a complete looser!

What I did early on, was to make a list of qualities that I wanted to show the world everyday. I wanted to be that person, and show those things regardless what anyone around me did.

My goal was to be that person, regardless the reaction, not to induce a reaction.

What do you want to show the world ????

Custody of my kids – Being a father is one thing that I think I do well. My EW managed to mess me up pretty good. I know step up and be a man…

No...she didn't mess you up...

YOU allowed yourself to be messed up. There is a difference.

Stop blaming another person for your shortcomings.

So yea, step up and own your stuff....

I know that this is the right thing to do for my kids. I hate that it is tearing my W and I apart. In the long run I do know that this is the only shot I have at keeping my kids safe and my new family together.

If it is the right thing to do...then stop F-ing around and do it. Do it for you, and nobody else.

If you do it for any other person, then you will allow them to dictate your life to you.

Do it because it is the right thing to do.

What is there to be afraid of- Loosing because if I can’t get the court to listen this time I am done in so many ways. My girls will have to keep enduring a physically and emotionally abusive mother and I will certainly loose the only woman who has ever made me feel truly loved! So yes I am a little concerned especially having been through this before.

I'm not entirely understanding the process you are dealing with in court. Is this ongoing ? Has been for over 6 years ?

What is in bold....has already happened, so if you are fearing that....it's a little too late.

I'm not saying that it can't happen again, just for all intents and purpose......it's already happened.

Can you help me understand the comment about owning the but’s.


I do follow that it starts with my thoughts and that it appears that I am making excuses.

I hope that you can decipher from the above comments what I am trying to get you to see.

Maybe it's time to get out the oil can Tinman.....

You aren't going to talk your way out of something you acted your way into....

[Tinman]

labug, Headed to the store for a few cans of STFU! Great stuff thank you!

[Tinman]

mach1,
I have read and re-read your responce and feel like I have had my ars handed to me and I am extreamly greatful to you for the advice. Very eye opening. We I saw all the but's I used even after I had tried to keep from using them I was shocked!

I still need to address a couple of your comments but really wanted to thank you!

[Mach1]

the only part of my life that I wish would go away but keeps charging back is my crazy ex-wife. I am in the process of going after full custody of the kids. CPS has issued a report with some very concerning problems, the parenting coordinator has said that there are probelms that the court needs to address and the girls school social worker has made at least three calls to CPS yet a year later the battle continues. Summer schedules are always a treat. We each get 3 weeks of vacation. Every year is is another fight. Last year she actualy took her 21 days and selected one vacation day at a time and only on my days. So in one week if I had them Tuesday and Thursday then she would only use two vacation days and take Tuesday and Thursday. Had to have parenting coordinator tell her this was not acceptable. This year her parents decided that they wanted to take the kids to Hawaii and they decided it needed to happen during my time with the kids and it should not impact ex's 3 weeks. Parenting coordinator again told her no but she decided to object to parenting coordinators report and ask the court for releif. The court also told her no. But this little issue cost me about $1,000. So last night I finally put that issue to bed and this morning I find out that ex has filed for an order or protection claiming that I beat her up 6 years ago. I am so worn out. I have recordings of the times she is claiming these incidents happened so my attorney should be able to object and have the order dismissed but there just does not appear to be an end to this horrible situation. I totally get why my wonderful W left me. Right now I wish I could leave me too. I got the attorney bill yesterday for the summer schedule issue and last month was almost 2,000 and now this issue will be even more and we have not even gotten to the part were we go to trial.

This post was just released last night, it must have been from when you were still moderated...

I understand better now.

So what IS the problem with this ? Is it lawyer speak that keeps getting twisted ?

Is it legal verb-age ???

I would think that the word 'consecutive' being in that statement would end a lot of squabble...

And 21 days ????

That is a LOT of time away from one parent or the other.

So explain this to me like I am 7 years old...

Why are you going for full custody ?


Just the facts, not a jaded view of it. (I.E. , my ex did this or that )

I'm not gonna smack you or anything, I just want to understand.

Why is CPS so deeply involved ?

[Tinman]

Hi Mach1,

To address your questions and don’t worry about smacking me if I need it. If I did not care about improving myself I would not be here and I would not be pouring out my life story.
- Why are you going after full custody –
o My XW was diagnosed with MS 15 years ago. She is one numerous narcotics and has been in a steady decline over the last 10 years. She is always tended to be very aggressive and basically mean. She did have good point to but I lost sight of those a long time ago. Over the last two years, since I remarried she has been spiraling out of control. The kids come home with bruises, the hospital, the kid’s school, my wife and I have all made calls to CPS. There are a lot of issues including my XW telling my 12 year old that she does not want her in her home. The really sad thing is that she called my W and I over to discuss things. The XW offered me full custody of the oldest in exchange the wanted sole custody of the youngest. My W’s heart broke that day! I of course said no and we left and my W said “How could any mother say that about her own child”. So XW tells D12 that she does not want her in her home and father does not want her either. She is flat out nuts!
- Why is CPS so heavily Involved
o During one of the visits CPS offered XW in home services and she accepted. So now she had additional people coming over to clean her home, make her meals, take care of her third child (Disabled) and in home counseling. So CPS has now issued a report substantiating abuse.

You are correct. The word consecutive would have ended that. That was last year’s summer battle with the XW and the parenting coordinator addressed the issue and said that they must be taken in 7 day increments. Perfect! This should have ended any scheduling problems.
This year XW decided that her parents should be able to take the kids for a week’s vacation also. I agreed to it as long as it was considered part of XW 3 weeks of summer vacation. XW refused and so we went back to parenting coordinator and then to court. Both ruled against her.
Every year it is something new and something totally unpredictable. I need to learn how to set up boundaries and not let XW interfere in my life if I am to have any hope of restoring my marriage with current W.
Anyone have a good suggestion boundaries with crazy X's?

[Mach1]

What is the custody agreement now ?

Is it shared ???

If it is shared, what is the arrangement ???

How do you share that time ?