New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

That's a lot of useful detail. The book "His Needs, Her Needs" talks about the 10 most important emotional needs that people have in marriage:

• Affection
• Sexual Fulfillment
• Conversation
• Recreational Companionship
• Honesty and Openness
• Physical Attractiveness
• Financial Support
• Domestic Support
• Family Commitment
• Admiration

The trap that many of us get into is that we do an excellent job providing for the needs that we most value, and neglect the ones we do not. If your spouse happens to value a different set, then you're heading for trouble.

Some of these will be MOST valuable to your spouse, filling them will make them feel most loved, and will cause major problems if they're not met, but NONE of them can be neglected or resentments will build up and eventually overshadow the good.

It sounds to me like your W places a high value on Financial Support and Domestic Support, and feels you weren't meeting her needs on those two fronts. That should give you a good clue on where to focus with your 180's.

For domestic support, figure out how to start assuming that everything is YOUR responsibility and not hers. Go overboard in terms of making sure things are taken care of -- taxes paid, finances arranged, appliances fixed, yard work done, house clean, clutter eliminated, etc.

For financial support, speak with a financial planner or a lawyer and put together a plan to get out of debt. Work with the financial planner on a budget so that you're not living beyond your means. That's going to be a big, painful adjustment, but that's the kind of hard work you need to do on yourself to dig your way out of this. It's going to require sacrifice.

The other thing that would really help would be to make more money. I know you can't snap your fingers and magically make that happen, but start working on a plan to get there. Learn new skills? Find a better job? Start working on a career path. Even if you're perfectly satisfied with your job and with what you make, your W is not, it's a love killer for her, so if she's the one you want, you need to address that issue.

I would evaluate yourself on all 10 -- how important is each one to W, how well do you do fulfilling it? Note that affection is not foreplay, it's creating a climate of affection that does not lead to the bedroom.

VERY IMPORTANT: Do not discuss with W, don't work with her on your plans. Don't tell her about any of this, just start living it. She'll notice, don't point it out. Pointing it out makes it look like "an act" staged for her benefit. That's not what you want.

Accuray