Well, a lot has happened since I tried to post that (I guess my post was caught in limbo for a while... for reference, I tried to post that on a Saturday and today is now Wednesday).
First, to answer the question about the previous break ups. It has been for the same reasons. We get complacent and he has issues with bringing up things when he is hurt. He just keeps things inside until they explode and he thinks they're too much to be fixed. Then instead of trying to fix it, he runs. He was never gone for more than a week. He has admitted that they were more to try and get things to change, than because he really wanted to leave. This time he says, is different.
On Sunday he told me that it is not going to work. He does not love me the same anymore. While we were talking, I asked him: If you could have a miracle happen with regards to us, what would it be? He said he would want me to move on and for him to move on and for us to go our separate ways.
Ouch... that hurt. So so bad.
The end of our relationship was tough. We were constantly fighting and bickering. I was mean to him. He was mean to me. (Never abusive, just stand offish and cold). We stopped being intimate. We never spent any time together. It makes me so sad to think about it. We both were waiting for the other person to fix the relationship. He even admitted that he wished he had opened up about his feelings sooner, because he believes we could have fixed things. Now it's too late.
I have read DR, I wish I had read it sooner. Now I know that I alone could have fixed the relationship. I cried as I read through that... I have so much guilt.
I really believe I pushed him to make the decision that he did. Since he had left I was constantly needy, clingy, insecure. Always wanting validation that he loved me and things would be okay. He told me during that time that he wished I could be independent like I used to be. All I could think was, "You want me to be independent when we're going through something like this? Impossible!" I thought that was his way of trying to push me away. I should have really listened... he was telling me what he needed. I didn't give it to him.
I truly believe that he feels that the horrible relationship before he left, and the way I acted after he left when he said we would work on things, is who he believes I am. I believe that when he said he didn't love me the same... he didn't love that person.
I know he loves the real me. The smart, beautiful, funny, outgoing, confident, independent me. I need to find that person and bring her back. That's the woman he's passionately in love with, he doesn't believe she exists anymore. I want to be that person again so bad, I just don't know how. It's so hard... I miss him so much.
I'm so afraid he's going to move on.
I've been keeping no contact... he told me about his feelings on Sunday, I tried to call him once that night and haven't tried to contact him since. He hasn't tried to contact me, either. That really hurts. I'm trying to give him space... but it feels so wrong. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
I want nothing more than for this marriage to work. I do not think that there is a problem with our personalities clashing. I think it has to do with our complacency in the marriage. We stopped trying to excite each other. We stopped being open and communicating. We stopped being intimate. Frankly... we stopped living. All we did was work, watch TV, do chores, bed. That's it. That's no way to live. I don't want that life and neither does he.
I'm scared, guys. I'm so scared I'm going to lose him for good.
