from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

(just journaling for me)

Crazy how emotions come in waves. Better than being numb though. Earlier I felt such peace and acceptance with my sitch, right now I'm feeling sad. Recovery doesn't happen over night though, so I won't be so hard on myself.

I miss my husband, my buddy. It's hard to swallo the concept that two people who love each other so damn much let things get this far gone. The sitch feels hopeless, still hard to believe how this happened.

I'm sad for my girls too, this is never what I wanted for them. They are only 2 and 3-will they have ANY memory of their mommy and daddy together? I know it isn't necessary for their well being, I just wish they could remember when things were amazing instead of trying to imagine it.

I'm sad for H too. I'm not mad at him at all, I don't hold any grudges. I can only imagine the internal battle he is dealing with right now. I wish I could hold my best friend, let him cry in my arms and tell him that everything is ok. I know I can't hold his hand, this is his own personal journey. It just breaks my heart to know that someone I love so dearly is hurting.

I'm gonna take a hot bath, have a good cry and possibly some key lime pie I know I'm gonna be ok. I wish I knew we were going to be ok, but I don't. But I know I'm gonna be ok. I keep reminding myself that I have walked through much harder things in life and came out just fine. I remind myself (completly detaching and acting as if I really AM divorced) that I have suffered heart break before. Not only did I survive, but as impossible as it seemed at the time, I fell in love again.

This too shall pass and I will be ok. Baby steps...