from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

Update on how I have been doing....

I am greatful for this experience, as crazy as it has been, as it has given me the chance to grow, forgive and love. It is liberating and humbling at the same time.

I have become aware of 2 major flaws that I know aided in the decline of the R....
1. I lost myself. I forgot about Jamie and became, mom, wife, housekeeper.... These are roles that I proudly served, but lost myself in the process. For me I have found that when you lose yourself you place the source of your happiness on others, which will always let you down. No one is responsible for your well being but yourself. I'm not denying the benefits from a caring partner, I'm talking about the "you did something that I didn't like so I am angry, and now I'm going to make sure you suffer". Sounds twisted when you say it, but many of us do it.

2.I was not a good supporter or source of stregnth in the R. Even when things got bad, when the ball started rolling down hill, I kicked the heck out of it and escelated the issues. I turned on the man I loved when my heart just wanted to reach out to him. Ex:things were bad at home so I kept myself on second shift at the hospital, working 3pm-11pm, ensuring we would be apart. I fueled the fire, I nagged, complained, yelled...I was so use to feeling like a victim in our R that I created situations that would perpetuate that feeling.

Why is this? One night I found myself all alone, feeling so lost. I thought I wanted out of the M. And there I was, on my own, and still miserable. I had a breakdown and let myself cry good and hard. I reached out to family, a therapist (going for several months now) and leaders in my church. I believe that I was (working on no longer being) a co dependant. I didn't associate with that word until I did research. I'm currently reading "Co Dependant No More, and Getting Stronger Every Day".

The best way to describe co dependancy (for me) is when you numb your emotions and deal with extremly unhealthy situations from the fear of being alone/angering the other person. It's much more than that, but that is how it applies to me.

I can honestly tell you that I am feeling really good about myself. I feel peace, I really do. I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be ok.

I thought I understood the DB techniques in DR, but I didn't. I understand acting as if and detaching, but didn't fully grasp how important they really are.

For months I had been crying and puttingmyself through such misery! It was honestly so painful. I think the personal growth I have experienced is not from understanding the techniques, but because I need peace in my life and a sense of well being.

In 3 months my divorce can be finalized. I asked myself, if it were done, what would I do? What would it take for me to be prepared? Would I be happy? When would I allow myself to get my butt off the floor and learn to live again? I have gone into the mode of not just acting as if I were moving on, but from acting as if I just got divorced and was in the process of recovering. And it's made all the difference.

I will not ever act from fear or anger when dealing with H. I will have loving boundaries. The no expectations reminder isn't needed here, my "as if" reality has moved beyond the M/D. I'm thinking about me. I loving me, improving me, healing me. I'm not pacing around the house wondering how to reply to his text. I'm not excited to see him or sad to see him leave. This is Jamie time. Seeing things through my new perspective, I truly believe I have detached and am GAL.

ps, my new life is exciting! I joined the YMCA so I'm doing kick boxing, zumba and swimming. When those negative thoughts kick in I get up and go for a walk listen to music, dance with my girls, read a book....anything. I don't let myself sit around feeling sorry for myself. I'm not a victim of anything.