ooh my goodness, it's not dead!

[greenblue90]

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Not trying to be a jerk, just providing some feedback based on what I've seen.

That being said, I don't know you personally, and only know of you what I can interpret from your posts.

My thing is that I haven't seen a lot of introspection on your part about your mistakes in the M. I do realize that you left him first which probably means there were things you just weren't happy with. That's understandable. I'm sure he has his flaws.

Yet as an LBS that almost turned WAS myself my W leaving opened up my eyes to a lot of things I didn't like about her. Things I have demanded she change, and she has. We are still struggling, but we actually have genuinely happy days together.

DB has to me always been about working on yourself to be the type of person who a spouse would be crazy to leave. Are you becoming that person?

I have noticed you have tried detaching and other techniques. Yes they are effective, but largely counterproductive if you are not working on yourself. I get the impression that a lot of your detachment comes more from anger, frustration, and the need to get back at him, than what it really should be which is an understanding that you need to make yourself happy first, and you detach from people when their actions show that they have no consideration for your feelings.

The little incident with each of you trying to serve each other first sounds more like you two are more concerned with your pride than actually saving a relationship and a family.

Like I said not trying to be a jerk just some things that have stuck out to me.

[strongerthanever]

greenblue,

No "jerkiness" felt here I appreciate and welcome honesty, as I know it comes from a place of well intent.

I am greatful for this experience, as crazy as it has been, as it has given me the chance to grow, forgive and love. It is liberating and humbling at the same time.

To answer your question, I have become aware of 2 major flaws that I know aided in the decline of the R....
1. I lost myself. I forgot about Jamie and became, mom, wife, housekeeper.... These are roles that I proudly served, but lost myself in the process. For me I have found that when you lose yourself you place the source of your happiness on others, which will always let you down. No one is responsible for your well being but yourself. I'm not denying the benefits from a caring partner, I'm talking about the "you did something that I didn't like so I am angry, and now I'm going to make sure you suffer". Sounds twisted when you say it, but many of us do it.

2.I was not a good supporter or source of stregnth in the R. Even when things got bad, when the ball started rolling down hill, I kicked the heck out of it and escelated the issues. I turned on the man I loved when my heart just wanted to reach out to him. Ex:things were bad at home so I kept myself on second shift at the hospital, working 3pm-11pm, ensuring we would be apart. I fueled the fire, I nagged, complained, yelled...I was so use to feeling like a victim in our R that I created situations that would perpetuate that feeling.

Why is this? One night I found myself all alone, feeling so lost. I thought I wanted out of the M. And there I was, on my own, and still miserable. I had a breakdown and let myself cry good and hard. I reached out to family, a therapist (going for several months now) and leaders in my church. I believe that I was (working on no longer being) a co dependant. I didn't associate with that word until I did research. I'm currently reading "Co Dependant No More, and Getting Stronger Every Day".

The best way to describe co dependancy (for me) is when you numb your emotions and deal with extremly unhealthy situations from the fear of being alone/angering the other person. It's much more than that, but that is how it applies to me.

I can honestly tell you that I am feeling really good about myself. I feel peace, I really do. I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be ok.

I thought I understood the DB techniques in DR, but I didn't. I understand acting as if and detaching, but didn't fully grasp how important they really are.

For months I had been crying and puttingmyself through such misery! It was honestly so painful. I think the personal growth I have experienced is not from understanding the techniques, but because I need peace in my life and a sense of well being.

In 3 months my divorce can be finalized. I asked myself, if it were done, what would I do? What would it take for me to be prepared? Would I be happy? When would I allow myself to get my butt off the floor and learn to live again? I have gone into the mode of not just acting as if I were moving on, but from acting as if I just got divorced and was in the process or recovering. And it's made all the difference.

I will not ever act from fear or anger when dealing with H. I will have loving boundaries. The no expectations reminder isn't needed here, my "as if" reality has moved beyond the M/D. I'm thinking about me. I loving me, improving me, healing me. I'm not pacing around the house wondering how to reply to his text. I'm not excited to see him or sad to see him leave. This is Jamie time. Seeing things through my new perspective, I truly believe I have detached and am GAL.