This is not looking good! (Long post...)

[Accuray]

Thanks Labug! Mab1, you recognize that you're backsliding -- that's good! It takes a lot of strength to have faith in DB because it is counter-intuitive. You will make mistakes and that's ok, try to minimize them, and try very hard not to repeat them. When it happens, dust yourself off and get back on the horse.

When your W leaves everything in you says that you should chase her, get on bended knee and profess your love with everything you have. Your heart keeps telling you to do that kind of thing, but it doesn't work. It's like your W is behind a locked bank vault door and you're trying everything to get in there without the combination. Eventually you're just beating your fists on a steel door -- it just doesn't work.

You can't mindread what's going on with her, forget about hormones, birth control pills, cat lady, etc. etc. It's all a red herring. She was upset and dissatisfied for a long time, you CANNOT repair that quickly, even if you become the world's best super-husband over night. Even that is not good enough.

I agree with your suspicion that she got involved in an EA. If that's over, she's grieving it, she's in withdrawal, and she will be depressed and erratic. This is not the time for you to try to wedge yourself back into her life, she'll take out all her anger on you. Leave her be for now, she's very confused, and you cannot show her the way, she must find it herself. You have to have faith that you can make the changes in yourself that make YOU a good catch.

You need space for her, and time and repetition for you, there is no short cut. There is nothing you're going to say to convince her to do anything differently right now. Your advice and requests are not wanted! I know that is painful to hear, but it's true! Back WAY off, give her MORE space than she wants.

You saw what happened when you left her alone, she got scared and lonely and she reached out to you. That's the type of trend you want to foster. When she reaches out, be nice, be friendly, but resist EVERY temptation to say anything about the fact that this was her choice, that she can come home if she wants, that she put herself in this position, etc. etc. etc. Say nothing of the sort. Limit yourself to what you would tell a co-worker who you only kind of know. If someone like that called you all upset, you'd be polite and supportive, and you'd probably end the conversation first right? That's your plan right now. Apply a "friendly coworker" standard and no more.

Also, do NOT divulge DB strategy to your W. Don't talk about 180's, or any DB concepts. You don't want her to think you're running some kind of program on her. Don't talk about your "changes", don't talk about your effort, don't talk about at all. If you carry it out with actions, she will notice. Do NOT point it out to her, that will set you WAY back because it makes it seem like an act versus a permanent change and is therefore not credible.

I'm going to give you a radical suggestion, do NOT pursue MC right now. Don't send her that e-mail. Don't follow up on that suggestion at all. Just let it drop.

I suggest this for three reasons:

1) Doing MC with her right now is NOT giving her space. It's prying open her hood and messing around in an area where she doesn't want you right now.

2) Doing MC will force you to divulge how you're feeling, and she will RESENT you for that. See my prior post about resentment. YOU MUST RESIST ANYTHING THAT WILL ADD TO HER RESENTMENT. When you have a WAW, they need to WONDER what you're up to. You need to keep your cards close to the vest -- do NOT talk about what you're thinking and how you're feeling at all. MC will force you to show your cards and that will NOT help you right now. Later yes, not now.

3) Your suspicion is 100% correct -- 90% of the time, one spouse comes to MC unwillingly. That spouse is coming for one or more of the following 3 reasons (a) to help you find peace with the fact that they're leaving, (b) to have the MC take their side and show you how wrong you are, and/or (c) to work with the MC to try to "fix" you, because you are the one who is broken. For MC to succeed, both partners have to come to the table willing to admit their own issues, and willing to do some work to make things better. If only one spouse is willing, I believe MC generally does more harm than good.

I'm going to end here with a quote from "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, you may find this helpful in terms of "how to be" right now:

"[You must adopt] an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."

"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. She will not sit down and explain her inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."

"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with her hiding her cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than she should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."

"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. She knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. She has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"

"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this woman that events are swirling out of control and may take her in directions she has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."

Finally:

"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and she begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, she's coming your way. She's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. She's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for her to observe that changes are occurring which she neither controls nor understands. Tell her nothing. She *needs* to wonder."

It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, she will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.

Hope that helps

Accuray