Hello Everyone, Been reading for awhile and now deciding to post. Glad that this is here for me. Been separated from W for 2 1/2 months. We have 1 D that is 7. We are splitting time at our house. She stays at her dads three nights a week and I stay at my brothers 4. Our daughter stays home the whole time. Hopefully providing her some security through all of this. I am the one that messed up. I did not cheat but she says that what I did was just as bad. Plus she says that I have had some anger & control issues. I understand her anger but not to the point of wanting D. All of this has gotten me to change. I am seeing a counseler and reading. I have just started DR. The detaching is hard. My problem with that is I am trying to build her trust back so I am trying to show her that I am dependable and trustworthy. We have taken two vacations as a family in this time. One suggested by her the next by me. First one was seperate rooms the second was a suite where I slept on the couch. The second one was the better trip. We all had a blast. We have not argued since Memorial Day. I have changed my attitude from down to upbeat. I have not brought up our R at all. She told me tonight that she won't be seeing me much this weekend because she is going to try and not spend much time together. I told her ok and just asked her when I would see my D. It's tough. I am now trying to let my actions speak for me and give her the space she is asking for. My goal is to have a loving family back under one roof.
hi lost, sorry to hear about your sitch. plus side is that you are becoming a better you and seems as though w is noticing. keep it up. patience is key here.
I'm very curious. what did you do that she believes is just as bad a cheating? best of luck to you
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Can you provide more of your back story? When did things go from good to bad? What have you learned about yourself? What were W's primary complaints about you and what have you done to address them? Is there anything specific you're looking for in terms of advice or support?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I suppose things have been getting worse the last year or so. I didn't realize it was that bad. Arguments were there but we always made up. We spent last year taking lots of trips. Seven or so to Disneyland, Vegas, and a trip to visit her family in Utah. Great times. I think I got a little arrogant over time thinking I could do whatever I wanted and everything would be fine. I have now been humbled. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for two and a half years because of my snoring. W always wanted me to go to the doctor but I was afraid. Since the separation I have gone to the doctor for this. I am doing everything now I guess I should have before. Controlling issues that W says I have I don't think are as bad as she says but am still working on it. I have told her that all of our decisions were made together and that if she wasn't ok with something we usually didn't do it. I did the finances so I think when she asked if she could get something, which she always got, she felt like she was being controlled. I guess what I'm looking for here is advice to keep me on track with getting my family back.
I am not going to give up even though it gets hard sometimes. I realize that this is hard on W too. She is the one that was hurt. I also want to keep this all together for our D. She once told my W to "just get over it". Ouch. She doesn't know what is going on specifically, just that mommy & daddy aren't getting along.
When this first happened W said she wanted to be divorced immediately. Her plan was to refinance the house in her name so she could keep it and file right away. I wrote myself a note last week. "She hasn't filed. She hasn't refinanced. She hasn't separated bank accounts. There is still hope. Keep focused and have patience. Be strong. Keep the changes you have made. Be proud of who you are. Not what you have done but what you are inside. You are a great father and no one can take that away. You are fun, caring, loving, sincere, a hard worker, nice, loyal and full of life. You've made some bad mistakes but they don't define you. "
I wish I knew where I stood with her. Which way she is leaning. What she feels about us. It seems like she is fighting herself about what to do. A lot of mixed signals. Laugh and smile about daughter together one minute then no goodbye the next. We go on vacation together and have a good time then get back and she falls right back into the same routine. I guess some of my changes have worked but now what?
She has also been very clear about me not contacting her family. I've done it 3 times. First time I called her dad after an arguement because I didnt know where else to turn. Got voicemail & said I was sorry about sitch and asked for advice. I guess he asked W if she wanted him to talk to me. She said NO. Second time I called her dad again because W had been drinking & wanted to drive to her dads. I left a message with him and he called her. He offered her a cab. She obviously got mad at me for trying to get her "in trouble with her dad". Shrugged that one off to alcohol. Third time was texts to her brother & dad for Fathers Day. Haven't heard anything about that. Her dad did respond with a thanks and also wished me the same.
Well while all this is going on she is inviting her family to our D's track meet and gymnastic classes. I've seen her dad 3 times, her stepmom twice and her sister 3 times all at events she has invited them to. Also her sister is now watching our D twice a week and drops her of with me. So, no contact with her family unless she it's her idea.
My family has all reached out to her, through texts and emails. They have told me they just wanted to let her know they were there if she needed anything or anyone to talk to. She has turned them all away. My family was really close to her and got along great. I guess she is just trying to cut off all contact or things that remind her of me? But she goes on vacation with me and sees me everyday because of our D? Confused.…
So now W wants to change days that we have D. She usually has Sunday & Monday, I have Tuesday & Wednesday, back to her on Thursday & Friday & then I get Saturday. I know she gets 4 to my 3 but i pick up our D everyday from daycare & spend a few hours with her. W now wants to switch our Friday & Saturday so she can go out with friends. I feel that she knows the schedule & should stick to it since its already in her advantage.I guess this is just part of the whole give her space? She has switched days with me though to accommodate my counseling session. Plus, tonight she didnt call our D to tell her goodnight which she does every other night because she is out having a drink. I told her i would do it as long as I could see our D on Sunday. What came to mind after I thought about it was, "Will this help me towards my goal of being back together?" Hopefully.....
Nice guys finish last but they also usually get the girl.
So now W wants to switch her Friday for my Saturday. Not sure if I posted this already. She has plans to go out with friends. So I got up the nerve and asked her if I could just take our D to San Diego for the weekend. Boy was I nervous. She said it would be fine. Tough, but fine. She asked why I was nervous. "It's not like I'm a b$@!c". I told her I didn't think she was either. Never have thought that. Told her since I had messed up so bad, I didn't want her to think that I was trying to take everything away from her. One thing she did say to me was that she's not my biggest fan but knows that I would take care of our D. For some reason that meant a lot to me. I guess it was her not saying she didn't like or love me or hated me. Anyway, the weekend should be fun. Me & my D, hitting the open road. I love road trips. We all took them all the time. Maybe my W will see the good times that we could be having & if not oh well. Me & my daughter will be enjoying our time together at the beach & on the road.
