Jeez Kimmers are you dizzy yet? Lol. I am so sorry you have to go through that. H is like this as well. He talks in circles and tries to pull me into the crazy. Hang in there. We are all pulling for you!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I know that you are letting this latest situation go, but I have to say that your h is very good at gas lighting. He's thrown down the challenge for people to take photos of the vehicle and the license plate. I think he was asking a few too many quesetions about the time to not have been there. Had he not been there, he would not have asked the time, etc. Then to become defensive and state that you would felt the same way too...gas lighting at its finest! How nice! He came there being nosey to see what he could see and it was not about you being an unfit mother. He wanted to see if you had someone at your home because of the yard man! He'll never tell you that, but I believe your mil is spot on the money for that one!
I'd like to point out something so that you will be aware of it next time. You had a discussion w/him about coming there when you weren't home and in the same discussion you mentioned that you lost your key and would need his. I want to share w/you how he "heard" all of this. Because you had someone come there and sit in the driveway, you now are using an excuse to get your key back because you think it was him, not that you misplaced your key. Then later you find your spare key...see how this looked to him? You aren't the only one that did this...I did it too early on and it was pointed out to me that I should not have requested my key back in the same conversation.
If you can't locate your key, you need to have the locksmith come in and change the locks...you don't know who may have found the key. I would have for someone to break into your home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry but call me a cynical Betty but in November the other woman wants him to go for full custody (no money going out means more for her)
Then your neighbors think they see him and a woman parked in your driveway.
I think you need to change your locks because who knows what they could plant in hour house to get custody of your kids.
His protests ring false, do not put anything pass the ow or his cousin, from what you wrote he wasn't defending you just standing there until his mother stepped in.
So who knows what pressure she placed on him since then
Thanks. I figured to him that's exactly what it sounded like to him in the conversation. You were here, so give me my key back.
Honestly it wasn't. I truly wasn't able to find my keys till this morning. It was the only other house key I could think of at the time and figured if I couldn't find my keys I'd need his to make another copy.
Thank you so much for pointing out that gaslighting snodderly! Yes this is what I've come to find out he's been doing to me all along. This is also why I post and get insights too. See he does this to me the minute I start making just a little too much "noise" and/or start standing up for myself. I've done alot of that this past year and he will come back raging, and gaslighting. I tell you one year ago that would've floored me, and I would've been in a heap on the floor feeling guilt for upsetting him, yet completely frustration and anger for knowing that what he was doing was not making sense. It's taken me one year to be able to really start to see the forrest for the trees with him. Funny you can really get to know someone alot better by not being around them for a year.
Okie dokie arti - chokies! Changing the locks I go! I can do it myself too, think I can use the measly little screw driver he left me in the first place.
Also, XH told his mom (MIL) that he's put in for a job transfer up north...to where I know he got wind of that I was thinking of moving. I think that was his way of saying " so you think you can move away and take the kids from me. I can just follow you where ever you go". LOL....his store chain has many other places in oregon I can go if I ever want to. But realistically if he does get another position within his company, I pray he does leave. The idea of him being out of town makes me feel I can BREATHE.
Kimmerz, I believe your neighbors. They wouldn't say anything to you unless they saw the vehicle. They have no ulterior motive to lie about something like this.
For now on, when you are told of such things, keep it to yourself and document it. You just never know when you may need that information. If you don't say anything, he will eventually slip up and tell you he had been there.
In the future, don't argue w/him. The more you try to defend your position, the more gaslighting he will do and yes, become defensive. For example, he told you that he was on the computer, he could be doing his work from a laptop or iPad or his phone. He certainly specify desktop.
You will learn to pick up on key words as you go along. You have more power to figure things out than you think.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So hearing that along with hearing someone see's a description of XH truck in my driveway made me feel he could've been here trying to find evidence Im an unfit mother, with the OW by his side. Im not the best housekeeper but for the love of god we're just talking clutter.
Fix the clutter. Really, for now, I know it's a pain in the neck and not a priority in your life - but knowing that OW is the way she is, I wouldn't give him ANYTHING he could use against you to try to get custody. Just turn into Suzy Homemaker for a while. Get a well-organized friend to come over and help you (while blasting dance music and drinking margaritas )
And as for the kids' weight issues - this obesity epidemic in our kids is scary. Something in our environment and/or food is really really bad. But now is the time for you to help them - get them out doing fun physical activities with you, start making healthy foods at home with NO added corn syrup or sugar. Whole foods cooked at home as much as possible. Cut down on the flour and sugar and corn-based meals, more veggies, meat, and fruit and nuts. My kids (in their 20's now) were at the forefront of this problem and 2 of the 3 suffer from weight problems - in retrospect, I wish we'd had the awareness when they were the ages of your kids, I might have been able to do more (mind you, we mostly ate "healthy" and didn't have sodas or candy or such around - but now I regret every fast food meal and pizza night and Sunday bagels).
So just don't let defensiveness against your ex, blind you to the need to help your kids find better health.
Never underestimate the crazy mind of an ow. A poster on another bb.board tells how the ow now the ex's wife (ow/now wife had 2 kids now) and this poster had been divorced for yrs now.
Broke into her house didn't steal anything just moved things around creepy things like this. She filed a police report but couldn't prove anything.
A month before the break in, she had a run in at a concert ow and her ex, she and her cousin were standing in the concession line when the ow started yelling and carrying on, she ignored her until the ow took a swing at her (ow is like 8 or 9 months pregnant) cops were called ow was hauled off to jail.
Wow....Ma Ma mo... there are som crazy women out there that's for sure! I'll be sure to keep my eyes open and take note. I don't think OW is a physical threat, but that's also why i did ask XH about him being here. From what I gather Ow isn't allowed to drive his vehicle and she doesn't have one. But perhaps he let her drive it and she decided to come over to my house on her accord and mess with something!
Well from what I know of this OW, her talent is lighting fires underneath other people and to stir the pot so much that everyone around her are in a tailspin. She is not one to confront face to face. She ran from my mother in law on turkey day. Also OW never had the guts to look me in the eye after her XH shot my now Xh. She never apologized to me nor even spoke to me after it.
I thought that was pretty low, no matter how bad she may've felt. I know she was mortified, but I felt she owed EVERYONE an apology. Xh was the only one that got it.
So Im really not expecting her to come face to face with me. Honestly as I think about it and as snodderly said I will pick up on key words as I go on, perhaps it was true that OW was out of town... a perfect time for XH to sneak over here all by himself and snoop.
Oh whatever! This is getting so old!
KML thanks for the encouragment on the tidy up of the house and healthier habits for the kids. The good news is, we all lost weight after he left....no more junk food around the house. D12 lost about 25 pounds, I lost 23, and d9 lost a little, but did end up gaining because she was in a wheelchair for a month. We've decided we're going to do something healthy every afternoon. Today we went to the beach, it was lovely. We plan to go to the track and walk 1 mile at least 3 times a week. And the girls are excited to do it. So am I.
I am so done with this man. I do not trust him and don't want anything to do with him at all.
XH found loophole in not paying agreed child support the very last month before garnishment was to take place. his excuse:
You got a large tax return.
How would he know that? I didn't tell him. Unless D9 or d12 said something, which I doubt they did. Because we were still married at the time of tax returns, even though we filed separately he cant find out what I got in returns can he?
Well he's been watching my account then online that's what hes been doing. How can he do it? When I had to submit my income statements our account number was on there. I was always in charge of the accounts though his name was on it, and I had a brain fart and never had him sign off on the account.
BRILLIANT KIM! Ok, well I can probably have him taken off with the divorce papers instead of having him physically go and sign off the account.
First, I don't think he has a loophole because a tax return is not identified as child support. As we know, it is a return when you have paid too much in during the year and your deductions help out...it's not child support by any means. I would check this out w/your lawyer.
There are two ways of checking for tax refunds...if he has your SSN he can call the IRS and inquire as to when your refund was due to be paid and the amount. I've inquired on my own a few years ago.
But, I would venture to say that he's watching your online account. Is this a joint account in both names? If it is your own, individual account, you can remove his name and place another name there if you so choose. I don't believe you need to have him sign off on your request...check w/your bank and explain the situation to the bank manager. They will advise you how best to take care of this. Then change your password as soon as possible.
Your h is doing the same gnat crap mine did and even though he says he's not doing things, he is and you are finding out about them little by little. Do not trust him by any means.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
)