Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

journaling

i've been busy yesterday and today - my intern started and after 4 hrs when she was almost ready to leave, h called and said that s would like to spend the afternoon here. i was delighted - as i hadn't seen him since i came back from my trip, and that was the first time i was out of town during this sitch.

so s came over and i just decided to do some stuff with him - i could feel a really strong need for him to be close to me- he even wrapped his arms around me while h was here , which is unusual. after h left, it seemed as if every few minutes he wanted a hug or to stay really close. so i decided that we should do something fun on the knitting machine together and he just loved it. we had such a great time. after that we hung out together just cuddling for almost an hour - he still didn't seem reassured, and then finally he felt it enough to go play in his room and do his own stuff.

seems like he wants to come here every afternoon, and i just said to him that it was okay. today h called again and seemed really pained at having to ask me again - and i just said it was fine, and that the only day i couldn't do it this week was wednesday

i'm staying friendly and co-operative. inside, i've given up, have no expectations of anything - even a civil conversation!! and surprise - all the conversations have been friendly . in fact yesterday he acted out a bit of a funny movie for s and i that made us really laugh - watching him, i realized that was the first time he tried to make us laugh or even said something funny around the 2 of us together.

i know i have really let go a lot - yesterday he was friendly and chatty and stayed for quite a while when he dropped s off and also when he picked him up. today the exact opposite - barely in the house for a minute - not growling and abrupt, but reluctant to stay for very long.

in the past - i would have felt that so strongly and been disappointed and wanted to "do" something - today i didn't really care - just sort of noticed it from a distance.

seems as if it's better to just mirror his mood - if he's more forthcoming then join in casually, if he's pulled back, give him his space. i have also finally accepted that going dim or dark and doing the whole mysterious thing and setting big strong boundaries that "show" him that we are separated has really fired back on me all these months.

i had to do it because i was such an emotional mess, but now, when i am not, it is easier to just allow whatever it is that;s happening ,see him frequently and not be affected by it. i know i couldn't do that before, but it seems as if i can do it better now

i've finally found the strength within myself to start turning away from h and what he's about, toward myself and what i'm about. i know that it won't all be smooth going, but instead of using all my patience on the sitch i'm going to start using most of it on myself.

i heard this the other day:

"when you are in a good place within yourself, you never leave anything, you just go somewhere else"

i think that is truly what detachment is about - not a reaction or a decision, just a turning to other things, something more fulfilling, something that makes you feel good about yourself, somewhere where you are just okay..

i've decided to find out what that somewhere else is for awhile - within myself...

zig