i'm definitely a recovering perfectionist controlaholic too!!
I began to realize how much disappointment, discontent, blame I invited into my life by trying to control everything.
oh yes. too bad we couldn't see it when we were doing it as control. i can barely remember the reasons and feelings i had back then which made me that way.
in my own soul searching i found that fear and insecurity were behind it. the need to control all these minor things was a substitute for not feeling in control of my life. the more i work through my deeper issues, the more easily i let go of what and how others are doing things around me. because the more i deal with and resolve the underlying fear and seeming lack of control, and become more confident in the ability to take care of myself fully and not depend on others for it, the less i need to cling to them in emotionally unhealthy ways (like controlling)
so i'm finding out now, that the ability to let go and detach is really linked strongly to how much i'm still trying to "control" external events, and that is linked to the inner work i still have to do on myself regarding my own fears and insecurities.
i love the haiku that you found , labug - it's beautiful, a little bittersweet, but beautiful
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
in my own soul searching i found that fear and insecurity were behind it. the need to control all these minor things was a substitute for not feeling in control of my life. the more i work through my deeper issues, the more easily i let go of what and how others are doing things around me. because the more i deal with and resolve the underlying fear and seeming lack of control, and become more confident in the ability to take care of myself fully and not depend on others for it, the less i need to cling to them in emotionally unhealthy ways (like controlling)
Couldn't have said it better myself.
The other pearl of this process is learning that holds true for all relationships (including children). We should never be so enmeshed as to depend on others for our sense of worth, or our happiness.
Had a discussion with friends yesterday about priorities in M and how we have become very child-centric. Everything is about the children. What do you think the most common response would be if you asked husbands and wives what their priorities are? I'm thinking for many it would be family and/or children. How many would say my wife/husband is my #1 priority?
Then when a break-up happens, it's "how can he/she do this to the children?"
So little effort is put into the R that is the foundation of the children's happiness. I think that by making the M a priority, it follows that the children will get what they need in most cases.
Other thoughts?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am also...like many of you a recovering control freak. It also hit me while reading this...just how helpful not having a working edit button is in this regard...well for you guys : ) I have been sorely tempted at times to fix my posts so it doesn't read like English is a my 3rd langauge. Yes Jack speak English gooder.
I have been able to resist so far.
Yes, I admit, I will create a whole new post in order to correct one word.
Baby steps ...
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree labug. One of my biggest sources of pain is that i did not protect my children's needs because I did notninvest enough in my R with H. I am just as responsible as him for the pain they are suffering. If my M had been safeguarded, my children would have been too. And thats the most important thing
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
labug, bustingout - i realized that about not working on the r to safe guard the marriage early on in the sitch. it was like a light went on.
we were so focused and child-centric, or at least i was, that we totally forgot to take care of, as you say, the very foundation within which it was even possible to have the child/children
and yes we are just as responsible for the breakup as the lBS . i said that to h right from the beginning. only slight problem , of course, is that the difference from that point onwards is that the LBS wants to fix that and the WAS absolutely doesn't.
this is a great discussion here. thanks labug. it actually helped me to do a little precious 180 last night. i'm going to go write about it on my thread
aahh - letting go of control - sweet stuff
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I'm off to the cool mountains today for a break from this he!!ish heat. I have a friend who has a house in the pines and she and I are going to read and talk and eat and watch movies. I'm taking my bike and will get some good rides in.
First I have to tackle the drive! I'm not good with heights and have to descend and ascend this crazy river canyon full of twists and turns which lies between here and there. I hate it and drive slowly and carefully (not too slowly) which means people who drive it more often fly by me and get right on my tail waiting to pass. I usually settle myself behind a semi and let them lead the way.
But I will have fun and I'm taking my laptop so I can check in occasionally.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
