New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

RoughEnough,

I saw your post on the piecing forum. Reading your thread I haven't seen what your W's complaints about you were or the reason she gave for wanting to separate. What were they? What's her side of this?

Did you two come up with a "separation agreement" that spells out if you'll date other people or not, if you'll expose them to the kids or not, etc. etc.? There's a book that I believe is called "Controlled Separation" that provides guidance on how to manage separation, may be worth a read.

What books have you read, what have you learned about yourself? Did you ever do MC with W, and if so, did it help?

Your post above references that your wife was distant and left you feeling unsatisfied in the marriage for a long time. Can you give us more history? How long did you date before you got married? Who pursued whom? Was there a time when you felt she was very in love with you, and if so, when did that change?

Were there any defining events in your marriage that drove a wedge between you? What were they?

If you give us more to go on we may be of more help. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing, give her space, act as if, GAL, etc.

The cold behavior you're seeing from her is not uncommon. You're locked in a game of "distancer chicken" and she doesn't want to be the one to crack first. When you stop pursuing her, and stop sharing intimate information with her, that makes her uncomfortable. She likes it much more if you're "on the shelf" waiting for her should she decide to return -- it's an insurance policy.

You do need to take that policy away. That's not to say that you're not interested in reconciling -- you are, but the point is you're not just going to wait around until she decides she's interested, you're going to live your life and take what comes.

When you pull back, she will pull back more. This is a ploy to get you to pursue her again. She wants to make you uncomfortable enough to come running back professing your love and telling her that you miss her, etc. It's a self-esteem boost for her and a return of the comfortable insurance policy. Don't do it. Eventually one of two things will happen -- either she'll make an overture to you (or start pursuing you), or she won't.

In the first case, you'll be tempted to think that she's back to the table -- be careful! Once you re-engage you may find that she withdraws again. Expect that may happen so that you're not crushed when it does. In the second case, there are three explanations: (1) you haven't given it enough time, she needs more space, (2) you have been backsliding, pursuing her, or not following DB, or (3) there is OM involved and she is getting her needs met elsewhere.

Given the abrupt nature of your split, I would be very surprised if she wasn't involved in at least an EA. People almost never jump without somewhere to land, so staying in an estranged marriage is usually preferable to being alone (unless there is abuse). If there is OM involved, then you need to set your expectations -- you're in for a LONG wait, it could be 8 months to 2 years before that ends and she emerges from the fog. During that time, you will not be able to make much progress, but you can certainly make things much worse. Your goal is to make her WONDER what you're up to, make her QUESTION if she really knows all about you that there is to know, and to begin to see you as a happy independent person.

I think you're doing the right things so far, keep at it. Managing your expectations is often the hardest part. It takes a woman months to decide to leave a marriage that is not meeting her needs, despite the fact that it feels to you like it happened overnight. Something that's been months in the making can't be repaired in weeks.

Accuray