Hi ss, I think if you're OK with your arrangement, it's great. It has some definite advantages. Physical intimacy, companionship, no bad family interactions, no extra laundry, you can eat when you want and what you want, he mows the lawn...I'm sure there's more.
Only you know if that works for you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
thanks, bug. you're right. it doesn't sound that bad! i couldn't live like this forever but it does give me time to work on myself and it gives him time to "figure things out"...
i'll just hope for more positive interactions. we will be buying cars together soon and that's always fun. he's a very good negiotator (with car salesmen, not wives!).
yesterday's contact gives me more patience. he may still not want to be married but i find myself thinking of the new possibilities for my life if he doesn't.
and that feels good!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I just got caught up on your sitch SS and IMO their is still too much focus on your h right now. He is dictating everything and I feel that your emotions will change at the drop of a dime with something he does or even says to you.
I could be off here and I have also been in a similar position as you looking for any positive signs. It is very hard to detach emotionally but is necessary for your growth as an independent individual.
I am glad that you decided to move to your condo. When are you going? I know that was a difficult decision for you but it is what you felt is best for you and in that case you can't go wrong.
Do your best not to worry about a response or a reaction from your h, that is not within your control.
He is not able to fill you emotionally anymore and if you are striving to be the best possible you then I would say that he shouldn't have to fulfill you emotionally. That is for you to do for u.
Thanks for dropping in, SIAS. I'm not moving up to the condo. I am just wanting to go up for several weeks to see family and friends. I would not move out of our family home until H bought me out of all we own and had paid me everything.
You're absolutely right. I do focus on him too much. But I am getting better. I'm looking forward to my future. I know he and I may not be together but I'll have a full life and eventually, I'll have a mate. That's just how I like to live life; with a best friend.
But I'm not in a hurry...
BTW, I was shopping this morning and a woman asked me if I thought the candle holder she was buying was pretty. Seems it is going to be a wedding present for a couple of "sweet people" who are getting remarried after a couple of years being divorced! Made me smile!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i haven't been on my thread in a while. sometimes if think i feel better reading other people's threads. it takes me away from my own troubles.
for some reason, i'm so sad today. H and i are going car shopping tomorrow. i'm meeting him at the dealership for a couple of hours during lunch time.
previous to S, i probably would have met him at his office where i used to work and know people. that has me thinking about how different my life is now.
it has also made me wonder if he has any pictures of me in his office anymore. he used to. i want to ask him but i know that's pursuing and if he says he doesn't, it will hurt. it hurts just thinking about it.
he sent me an email today with the details of his daughter's college graduation. about six weeks ago, he sent me an email that said:
"No matter what happens I wanted you to know that I would like you to be there if possible ( of course only if you do). More on that to come(just wanted to remove any doubt)."
i have not heard from his family since the bomb. i sent three communications to his daughter (22) asking her to meet with me so we could put the past behind us and move forward (we lived together for 2 years until recently and we had a very hard time). i have not received a response so it's obvious to me that she doesn't want a relationship with me.
H has not invited me to any functions with his family. i would feel so uncomfortable at this graduation.
what do i say if he asks again? i don't want to say anything that sounds like blame or resentment.
i really can't understand WHY he would even want me there?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
H has not invited me to any functions with his family. i would feel so uncomfortable at this graduation.
what do i say if he asks again? i don't want to say anything that sounds like blame or resentment.
I'm graduating next month & I've invited my W and 2 kids plus my Mum & Dad. Now when I mentioned this to my W she rolled her eyes & huffed.
I found out that I got a 1st in my degree yesterday, all my friends have been spoilt by their parents or loved ones. I got one card, from the sister who I don't get on with.
I know my W shouldn't be happy about playing happy families, even for a day, but this Graduation next month is a big deal for me & I really hope she just deals with these resentments for 1 day & not spoil it.
I think what your H said here is interesting.
Quote:
No matter what happens I wanted you to know that I would like you to be there if possible ( of course only if you do).
This is a big day for him as a dad & he wants to share it with the people who mean the most to him, despite the situation.
It's a bit like when you have an extreme situation for worse, say for instance (and I am not wishing this on anyone) your H was seriously ill, I'm sure he'd want you there despite the situation.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, when it comes down to it, when it's a really big moment or occassion, you just need to share it with the people that count in your life, no matter how bad things are, otherwise the moment will pass you by.
I'm not saying that this is an olive branch from your H, but it clearly means a lot to him that you are there to share this moment with him.
My advice would be to give it some thought, before you decide either way.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
SS, I'm not the greatest at offering advice because I don't follow it when it's offered to me. However, by attending the graduation this may open up a line of communication between you two. And, if it doesn't, you will know in your heart that you made an effort to reconcile with her. She may be hurting as well and unsure of how to approach you so this might be a good way for you two to reconnect or at least have your 'say' and put the past behind you as you mentioned above. God speed.
M: 48 (2nd marriage) W: 47 (1st marriage) T: 22 M: 21 D (M, 1st Marriage: 26) D (M, 1st Marriage: 24) S: 18 EA: 31 Dec 2004 ILYBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004 In all things give thanks to God; I thank you God.
however, i feel my presence and the discomfort associated with it would overshadow what the day is all about -- celebrating his daughter's graduation. in other words, i would be the spectacle, and it would take the spotlight off of her where it belongs.
i think everyone there would be uncomfortable, including H, even if he doesn't realize it currently.
before i could go, he needs to first do the work of re-integrating me into his family by inviting me to gatherings where there is less on the line. in other words, if you want me at your D's graduation so badly, you have to first lay the foundation that would make it feel differently to everybody.
afterall, it's not her inviting me and it's her very special day.
i welcome and am grateful for all advice.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i read an article a few years ago about making decisions. it said to consider how you would feel about your choice in 10 days from now, 10 months from now and even 10 years from now...
that helps me sometimes...
if it comes up again, does it make sense to ask H if he knows how his D feels about it, to let him know that you value her wishes for her day?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
