How many licks does it take...?

[kolja]

20 pounds is no mean feat - congratulations!

[Starsky309]

Congrats on the weight loss and added muscle, 2tP! I've only recently gotten back to the gym myself, after about a 9-month haitus that saw me gain 3/4ths of my lost 35 lbs back.

[chatterbug]

For me I blame southern cooking.... heh

[Autumn Leaves]

Congratulations!! Your hard work is paying off!! That is fantastic!

[2thepoint]

Dammit! I can't sleep tonight! I thought I was tired, fell quickly asleep but it wasn't deep and my mind was racing and here I am. Something woke me up and I think it was finding myself dreaming/thinking about my life and where I am in the grand scheme of things.

Just about 4 years ago my life took a dramatic turn after I lost my job/career in the financial services industry. I had been very successful and had built a very comfortable life for myself and my family. The loss of that job just happened to coincide with the financial collapse of the US economy. It proved to be extremely difficult to get back on my feet.

After nearly 1 year of a job search that turned up dead end after dead end, I finally landed a gig in consulting. I thought, thank God, finally something has turned my way. But it was to be short lived. One year to be exact. For I found myself unable to prostitute myself and my talents in an industry that expected and rewarded BS be fed to clients at $150 an hour. If a business solution could be identified and implemented in 3-4 weeks, and presented in 50 pages of carefully sourced data and analysis, you were expected to "fluff it up" to 150 pages and take 6-8 weeks to deliver the final product. I just couldn't see myself doing this work over the long term and so exactly 1 year later, I left that job.

After that I was basically lost at sea. I felt defeated and lost my bearings in life. Although I was spending time at home raising my two boys while my W continued with her successful career, I felt my life slowly slipping through my fingers and I couldn't figure out what to do to get back control and get my feet on solid ground again.

I spent the next 2 years experimenting with real estate investing. I found the work to be physically, mentally and financially rewarding, albeit risky. And yet, I still felt lost. Something wasn't right. Then last September my W dropped the biggest bomb and my world has been completely upside down ever since. Her bomb was that she was DONE! She said that I was controlling, selfish, emotionally unsupportive, etc. Oh, and later I discovered she was having an EA that turned physical after the bomb. All the things we see repeated over and over in these forum pages.

Which brings me to where I am today. Am I any less lost? Do I have anything of substance for which to hang my hat on? Is there any hope for my future?

As I think about the answers to these questions, I often find myself tempted to view things through the prism of my failed marriage. When I do that, the answers are not good ones. I don't see things improving much with my W and our R. She shows no signs of wanting to work on us. She continues to be wrapped up in her secret world and nothing I do or say will snap her out of it.

However, when I look to answer these questions through a wider angled lens, I see that I am in fact less lost. That I do have important, substantive things for which to focus my energy and attention. That there is hope for me and my future, with or without my W.

What I have discovered is that my children are my life. I have an important role to play in guiding them and mentoring them and showing them the way forward. Over the past year or so, my relationship with my kids has grown significantly. I am more involved in their daily lives then ever before. I have found ways to connect with them that will help shape their lives for many years to come.

And it is through this renewed focus on their lives that I have found the strength, courage or whatever you want to call it, to move forward in my own life. I have reestablished a relationship with God that has provided me with comfort and hope during my deepest, darkest moments. I have chosen a new career path that will allow me challenge, flexibility and financial stability. I have developed a new circle of friends who support me and allow me to support them. I have begun to experience things in life that had always been put on the back burner. I am slowly regaining my confidence that had been lost for so long. And I feel like I am starting to finally live again for the first time in many years.

And yet, there is still a huge hurdle to overcome; what to do about my M. I must solve that before I can completely move on in my life. I know what to do. You all have been pounding it into my thick skull for many, many months now. And I've been saying for the past several weeks that I am itching for a change.

I think I'm just about there.

[BklynMom]

sorry you couldnt sleep but wonderful post:)

[labug]

Everything will be alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end.

[unbidden]

Loved that movie.

[sayitaintso]

With ya in this 2!!

You will do what you need to do when you feel you need to do it. And we'll be here to support you.

Best!

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the posts and virtual support. I really appreciate it!

=========================

Time for a couple updates:

S10's baseball team played in the city finals on Wednesday. I really hoped that they'd win the game but it wasn't in the cards. The final score was 5-7. I was so proud of him and the team though! Maybe next year!

=========================

After the game I left on a trip to conduct some business and enjoy a few days with some friends. This morning I was awakened by a text from my W informing me that she had heard from the insurance company regarding the accident she was involved in a few weeks back. Her text said that the other party had hired a lawyer and was suing for injuries sustained in the accident and that she was also found to have been at fault.

After a little back and forth between us she goes on to say that the insurance company said that the other party sustained only minor bumps and bruises. That they'd be covering it all and would send us letters informing of the status. Then she said "I give up."

I just used the opportunity to validate as much as possible and make sure that there was not even a hint of blame or "tone" in my texts. I reassured her that accidents happen and that is why we have insurance. I also reminded her that the other party had refused medical treatment at the scene and are probably just looking for a quick little windfall and not to worry about.

Since she had also said previously that she wanted to have her eyes checked and maybe change her prescription, I asked, "have you thought anymore about getting an eye exam?" She said that yes, she needed to set an appointment for that and also to meet with a regular family doctor regarding slow response due to her illness and heart problems from a few months back. I validated and encouraged her to mark it in her calendar so she doesn't forget and she agreed.

========================

So here is my W again reaching out to me on matters that really don't affect me. I often wonder if she is doing this simply as a means to maintain some contact, or because she really believes it is important that I be informed of these type matters. Regardless, I try to remain as detached as possible and am usually the first to cut off contact after specifics have been addressed.

I think I need to be even more detached and unavailable. At least until such time that she sends some signal that she wants to work on the M. Meanwhile, I'm glad to be away for the next several days away from the sitch and with friends that care about me.