Cheryl (or any DB coach) would definitely help you with your dillema.
There is something about this forum that appears to attract people who are in pretty bad shape. For that reason, LRT often is the initial mode to be in until stabilized.
I suspect a coach would say the same, as does MWD in the book and dbmod just reminded us all of this a week or so in a post to one of our members.
LRT is TEMPORARY. LRT (like all DB) is for us, to protect ourselves and calm ourselves. But once we are there, once we have reached the zen necessary, we might do better to move out of LRT and look into the other methods for changing ourselves to change the M.
Specifically regarding dbmod's post and other advice from MWD, DO WHAT WORKS. So as far as pursuit goes, if our normal mode which possibly led to the breakdown of our M was distance, then a proper 180 would be to pursue (some). Of course, if pursuit is largely rejected by the other spouse, then it is not working and we should stop.
I don't know that pursuit wasn't working. What DID appear to be happening is when he responded kindly (which might suggest it was working), your expectations rose and then you got disappointed. You weren't detached enough to pursue without expectations of results.
The DB methods can and should be modified to suit our specific needs.
And yes, in the event that you and/or your H each get re-married to someone else, then any R / friendship you two might have MUST be open and fully transparent to your respective mates. You COULD continue to be his friend in the way you've described, but that friendship and communication would be with the full knowledge of each and every one of you.
