I do look at the end of April when I had decided only to work on the friendship, we were in contact much more because I initiated as well. We were much more "friendly" But then I decided that was pursuit, don't let them cake eat..etc etc Perhaps this is something Cheryl can advise on.
I thought about this....and I thought about things in terms of if it were my GF would I? And in that frame of mind I texted him to say I probably wouldn't be here when he picked up S that I was going to the theatre, but that could catch up maybe after he gets back from this weekend because I'd really like to hear about that and I could tell him about yesterday. he says DAMN I was really looking forward to hearing all about yesterday. I'll have to catch you another time. I told him he would have liked yesterday in a funny way. That if I don't talk to him before this weekend I hope "you guys" have a great time. I'm a bit jealous that they'll be seeing x music artist but excited for him. He replied and talked about music a bit. So I replied and did the same and said I would be leaving something of his by the door if he could remember to take it.
And you know what I feel Fan-F*cking-Tastic!!! I approached him and the text as a friend. (just like they say in how to improve your marriage without talking about it) and I got great response. If I separate my selfish "he can't have any experiences ever in life if they aren't with me" then yes, I AM excited for him for this weekend. I do want him to have fun and enjoy life.
So then I went out for the morning, ran some errands, went into some shops I hadn't been in before, and "ate the strawberries" I just feel good.
No he isn't with me. He isn't leaving her with me. If he did, we would still have a hard row to hoe. This is what we look like right now, and I can either be angry and shut him out, be sad and make him feel guilty about that, be bitter and be snide with him, or just be an adult.
I said a long time ago that he's offering me friendship and I can accept that or not. I'm not going to work any harder at this friendship than I would any other friendship. I used to really really want THAT CHANCE of us working things out. But sometimes we don't get those things as much as we think it's the right thing.
I remember how hurt I was when he used words like timing, and it's sad because we did have a good thing but sometimes that's how it is...and now I'm starting to feel like that. If this is all there is, if this is all there was, that can be okay. Yesterday I was tired and I think I was tired because I had been grieving for all the dreams and hopes of our M. The kids, the trips, the growing old, etc. But I think a lot of that was just plain old feeling sorry for myself.
