I don't know if "meaner" is necessary, I know that doesn't work around my house...what works for me and REALLY makes W notice is when I approach things in a VERY "neutral charge" and also works well with the kids...always a bonus
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I am tired of people pushing me around, being rude and then just expecting me to smile and ask for another load of crap.
I hear you...It is tough finding our boundaries, then learning how to enforce them without coming off as mean or vindictive or whatever is yet another journey...lol...I am still walking those paths.
And then the other people have to figure out how to deal with us in a different way than they are accustomed, which can become its own dance.
Hang in there, it will come!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
And at long last I got someplace special in my head......
I figured out how to move myself along. Had some amazing clarity.
I called up my bank, got someone to run numbers for me, figured out what the max price I could get pre-approved for on buying a house, and while still on the phone found a couple of nice houses that meet my criteria. Here in Hawaii.
I really like it here. I really don't want to leave. When I think about staying here I am afraid of having to see STBXH and OW. Well just because they are ruining part of my life doesn't mean I have to give up something I really love.
I will buy a house here. I will plant all the trees I love, I will watch them mature, I will enjoy the rest of my life. I will most likely have way more fun than if I stayed married to Mr. Grumpypants. Papaya, Avocado, Lime, Cocont, Bombax, Breadfruit..... It is going to be beautiful.
And I don't care if I am alone in this future. Because I will have my kids and grandkids. And my friends. And most of all freedom from the worry of trying to make anyone happy but myself.
BAM!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, You will be okay and if you want to stay in Hawaii, then do so. I'm glad to read that you had the numbers run for you. That helps you to see the bigger picture. You now have something to work toward. Good for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Wendy! If you love a place, don't let someone else kick you out. They should be ashamed enough to move away. But, of course, they aren't ... ashamed that is. As you say, you have your children and grandchildren. Land in Hawaii will always be good to have, and if things don't work out, you can rent it out (or sell), and live somewhere else.
Yes, you will have the freedom to make you happy, and not have the burden of trying to make your STBXH happy. I bet you've been beating that horse for years. I know I have. Can't be done. They have to realize the value of their wives and family all by themselves, that happiness lies within themselves, and the comfort of their family ... or not. I'm beginning to think that my H should be let free to find his own way, which will allow myself the freedom to explore new paths. But, he's not letting go. Sorry for the hijack.
I love the idea of all those fruit trees. Your life will be beautiful. How can it not be if you wish it so? It's all about attitude, gratitude, and love, wherever you may find it.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Wendy - What is the income that they are basing those estimates on? If it's your alimony, my experience was that the banks would not loan until my divorce was completely done. And even then, they wanted a years worth of copies of support checks to prove that my ex was paying regularly.
Be sure to find out. I'm glad to hear you could afford a house there that you would like.
They want the alimony to have been paid for 3 months. I am not getting hung up on this particular house, mine hasn't sold yet. And the divorce isn't even filed yet. But I am just happy to figure out that what I want does exsist. If the one I'm looking at gets sold before I get it, there will be another one. These things have a way of working out.
I figure we will get the D, be living here for a couple months while the house sells and closes. Meanwhile I will be getting the alimony, so I will be able to show record of him paying me. I won't get to keep all that money until we sell this house. We have agreed to work together on keeping the bills paid.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Sometimes it becomes very clear that I invite people into my life in order to solve THEIR problems... thereby avoiding my own...
Every once in a while I do a conscious (or sometimes unconscious) purge.... it helps me tremendously...
Do we really need to be mean in order to ensure we are focusing on our own needs? Is that really how we see the world? ie. If we aren't serving someone else, we really are bad people.
Maybe... pick one personal problem... and focus only on it... for a week or two or how ever long you want to or it needs, in order to be solved... you might be surprised at how freeing or liberating that is... and might further find that once you've taken care of your own need, it is easier for you to help others (within reason) with theirs...
I did pick a problem and focus on it. Thanks for the direction. I am figuring out where I will live, which has been a major source of anxiety for me.
So you noticed I said I feel mean when take care of my own needs. Good call. I am not being mean. I need to do what I tell others and cut myself some slack.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
You are doing so well! Wow...I really admire you! You just keep going on, and you do it with the most PMA! You really have a firm grasp on all that is going on and are handling it well.
Your STBXH's behavior is just baffling.
I think staying in Hawaii would be great. It's such a beautiful place with such creative and beautiful things to do.
I am doing my best to just keep hanging in there like a rusty fish hook! My STBXH just told me he will be gone to DC for 2 weeks with his boss. And I asked about OW. And he got mad. Well I'm sorry. The day we are legally divorced is the day I quit caring where he is. Untill then I'm the one who has to deal with crazy things that might come up.
If he has a stroke and needs medical decisions made, I am the one who they will talk to. Not his girl friend.
And the fact that he is spending money, again, to see her really isn't as big a problem as it could be. There was a quilting thing I wanted to go to. But I didn't even try. Well heck, I will make my reservations today. It is over on Kauai.
I even have a few free car rental days saved up. I think I can do this on a budget!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
