Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[tadpole1025]

Thanks T and Brookie. Just came on here today to see what is going on after I realized it has been nearly 2 years since she went nuts. My God, where does the time go? It makes me a little sad.

Still waiting to hear from her regarding S17's online classes...

Tad

[AJM]

Hey Tad. How's everything else going?

It's odd how time goes by like that, isn't it? You look up and realize 10 years has got behind you...

How's the job?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

AJ, things are going well for the most part. I love the new job. Turns out that I'm a little better at sales than I thought.



S17 has been visiting XW since 6/1 and will come home on the 16th and spend Father's Day and the next two weeks with me. During the summer, we have him two weeks at a time.

He has been calling me since last Sunday to come and get him because he hates it at her place. What am I supposed to do? XW is a real b!tch because she is making him stay there because "it is just the way it is" and "it is my time."

So basically, S17's summer will be ruined because we'll have to go through this every 2 weeks.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad,

Sorry man, it is her time. It is her time to f-ck up.

Roles reveresed how would you feel if your son wanted to spend your time with his mom?

And his WHOLE summer will be ruined? All of it? Thats a bit...

dramatic.

[AJM]

Glad the job is working out!
Jack's right. That's between son and mom. He is almost an adult and needs to work it out. Be a good listener; he will need that...

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ and Jack. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now.

About an hour ago, X called our sons and told them:

SHE IS GETTING MARRIED.

It will happen next Summer.

I thought I was doing so well.

It was like a knife went through me. I had a good cry and went into the bathroom and puked.

What now?

[AJM]

Get her a toaster?

Seriously, what are your choices? Wish her well and get off that crazy train. For what it's worth, I'm in the same boat, except its in a couple of months. I'm surprised it's this long, but hey, who am I to get in the way?

Let her go and wish her the best of luck. She'll need it. Go back to focusing on you and your new career and the kids. Lots of good things going on in your life - they need your attention. You need to put that same attention and energy into you that you put into her previously. You deserve it!

AJ

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Tad!

My H has been planning on marrying OW since the beginning. And told me so, after I found the text messages confirming my suspicions. Horrible feeling.

I agree with AJ. Say the serenity prayer. Accept the things you can not change. Take care of YOU!!!! Y O U !!!!

Aloha,

Wendy

[25yearsmlc]

Get her a toaster?

Seriously, what are your choices? Wish her well and get off that crazy train.

so well said^^^....naturally your ego is hurt. I get that. But it IS your ego and not the heart...

I mean, she's been a real witch to you for a long time, interspersed with temporary tentatively polite gestures. Don't overlook the reality Kimmerz is referring to.

To me this comes almost as a relief b/c there's just no reason for you to be on crazy train anymore. You do not have to stare at or wonder or read into any "meaning" of anything she says or does b/c it has nothing to do with you.

You were legally set free months ago, but it seems that only now, perhaps, can you see it.

Can you see it Tad? YOU ARE FREE. Free to MOVE FORWARD....step by step, a day at time.


For what it's worth, I'm in the same boat, except its in a couple of months. I'm surprised it's this long, but hey, who am I to get in the way?

Let her go and wish her the best of luck. She'll need it. Go back to focusing on you and your new career and the kids. Lots of good things going on in your life - they need your attention. You need to put that same attention and energy into you that you put into her previously. You deserve it!

AJ

Amen!

I never bought into the MLC thing for her as you know anyhow. Your old marriage is dead and your former wife may as well be lost in the Australian bush. She's behaved very badly to you for a LONG time...honestly I don't know why you revise the past (as much as she does, but in the opposite way)

b/c it is not an accurate description of your life w/her for the past 2 years at least...and

it hurts you more. So you lie to yourself about how "great it all was and then for no reason she took it all away".

You had a good marriage for a number of years. That part of the marriage and the two sons you produced were not "failures."

But then things changed. That sentence ^^ about how "great it all was"
is not accurate for the past 2 years,

but most importantly, SHE did not take your life away. She's not God. She left the home. You are alive, your sons are alive and with you...you are employed.
And healthy

YOU give her the power to dictate how you feel on a daily if not hourly basis...even now.

That's not on her Tad. That's on you. WHY do you do that?

I pray for you and I pray for your sons so that they don't lose faith in all women or believe that someone ELSE has the power to rule their level of happiness.

Before I read that she was marrying, I was going to ask you,

WHY it matters whether she's happy or not? Who cares? What's w/the analysis?


If her car breaks down, it does not make your car go faster.

If she wins the lottery, it does not mean a paycut for you.

Your lives are NOT entwined.

Your happiness index cannot be connected to her misery index.

So why does her happiness, real or imagined or fake, matter to YOUR LIFE?

it does not matter, but you THINK it does--B/C you are so intrinsically attached to someone who is NOT attached to you

and that's clear, and that's not healthy.


IF this is about FAIRNESS and what you deserve, please just stop that. CHECK OUT AFRICA, and tell me how unfair your life is.

& Tell my 41 y/o widower neighbor with 4 young kids, whose lovely w died suddenly 3-4 years ago of an aneurysm, how hard your life is

b/c NOW his youngest d11, has cancer.

The d11 does NOT ask "why?" b/c she said "The only thing I can do is have a good summer, so school won't be too hard next year".

Her dad does not ask "Why?" They pray and play and they LIVE WELL, w/ positive attitudes you would not believe.

What a gift he's giving his children for they do not think THEY are unlucky.

They are loving and loved and basically happy. Oh, and the woman he met over a year ago, is in love w/him and they'll marry when d11's treatment is over.

How you see things determines what you see.

So IF it's about justice (See above comment) and remember that "The best revenge is a life well lived."

But as I've said before, a lot,

only you can change this. Only you can choose to be happy in your one short precious life.

You keep thinking external factors (your ex w) determine how you feel but that's a terrible way to live. Imagine how miserable the world would be b/c if they compared their ways to ours, they'd feel pretty darn gypped.

IT was never HER Job to make you happy or keep you happy. IF she'd died, would you still be this miserable and fragile? I hope not b/c you do have sons there, seeing how you react to her every move.

Get some help ASAP Tad. IT's past time. And there's no shame in it. Been there, done that.

If my h were remarrying I'm sure I'd have been in therapy with a solution based therapist from the start. I refuse to be as sad & powerless for so long, I'd get the tools I needed to change that. You need new tools.

I've gone to some workshops b/c they CAN be more efficient with time instead of a weekly appointment...but some of them are superficial or say bliindingly obvious things ("Oh, we should value good communication? Really? Who knew?.")

If you want to attend a 3or 4 day workshop to really change up your paradigm and get 2 years of therapy all at once in a workshop, look one up. Of all the ones I've attended, "Essential Experience" in Philly, was by far the most profound/empowering. I flew in from Alaska to attend it once so, if you say it's too far, well, what can I tell you?

It's intense and I think you could use a real shake up of how you view things and you need tools to see the world differently...soon.

But Only you can decide to move on w/the knowledge that you will be okay no matter what. Only you can teach your sons this...

But you have to start believing it. I've said this before too.

WHERE THE HEAD GOES, THE HEART WILL FOLLOW.

Maybe now you can tell your head some positive strong things that your heart will take in.

Think it, say it and hear yourself say it and let it sink in.

Turn your pain over to God. Ask for HIS guidance/strength in moving forward in your life so you can be the best father and man YOU can be.

Then leave the results up to him, hold your head high, and be at peace.

[job]

Tad,
Sorry to hear the news, but there is nothing you can do but work on yourself. I wouldn't even broach the subject w/her, since she's not told you about it.

Tad, I'm w/the rest of the posters...you are free to do whatever you what and when you want to. No more analyzing why she's saying this or that. You do not owe her any explanations for anything that you do, except if it's about the children.

Just think, her odd ball behavior will now become someone else's issue...not yours! Time to clear the cobwebs out of your mind and look forward...time to fully live your life.