golf mom, I have an old thread entitled "highly recommended reading materials". On that thread, there were a number of excellent books on depression, mlc, etc. You might want to take a look at that old thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel so overwhelmed and resentful today. I've got a pretty good handle on understanding that my H is depressed (likely severely) and his actions were due to that and not anything I did or didn't do. However, the reality of the hurt and destruction that he caused and continues to cause is too much at times. I feel beaten down. I don't want to be divorced yet I've been dragged into divorce proceedings anyway. It's expensive, emotionally draining and requires me to spend time with my attorney and gathering documents at home that I'd rather spend with my kids or doing something for myself. I don't want the burden of being a single, working mom, but I don't have a choice in that either. I miss being with my kids. I miss my old life. I resent my H for doing this to me and the boys. I resent him for not appreciating how good he had it. Sure he worked hard, but he came home to happy, healthily, well cared for kids, a beautiful clean home, a home cooked meal on the table and an adoring, cheerful wife. But that wasn't enough. I come home to kids wanting attention and dinner, a house that's in disarray, piles of laundry, etc. I long for the kiss and hug of a devoted spouse. I miss sharing the events of my day. I miss having an extra pair of hands. Please forgive me for whining, I'm just tired today and am having a hard time accepting my new reality. I know there are so many here that have the same struggles and more. I'm so sorry for what each of us is going through, while our WSs are off in la la land.
That's ok. I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say we understand. Perfectly.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for responding to my rant. I just needed to get that out. I've realized my biggest hurdle right now is to stop feeling like such a failure. When my H left my self esteem took a major hit. I'm struggling with rejection and I've become hyper-sensitive to my own perceived shortcomings. Bear with me while I recover.
Hey Golf Mom! This is HARD! And I keep having the ups and downs, too. But I am getting better, And so I know you will also get better. Just keep stepping thru!
I still cry sometimes. But the stream is more a trickle. Please look in the mirror and see beautiful, wonderful you!
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
and you WILL recover...always remember that...YOU.WILL.RECOVER
I look back at how I was last fall and winter, compared to now...back then you could not have convinced me that I would be okay... but it happened with some work, some acceptance, loads of hard earned detachment, lots of learning...
Do I still have bad times? Do I miss the things you speak of? oh yes, but the duration keeps getting shorter and shorter... and ranting here does help the healing...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Golf mom you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel so angry and resentful. Why did I bother keeping the house clean and cooking for him when he had so many dietary concerns when all he wanted was a sex feign.
I am so resentful that I can't give our kids an intact family. Somedays when I try to count my blessing I get even more pissed off.
I try to think of this like a disease but I keep coming back to he doesn't have to do this! Why! How can do this to his kids?!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
T, since you've been where I am you give me hope. Clearly you are doing quite well now.
Bklynmom, I'm so sorry that you're in the same boat. It really stinks, doesn't it? Hang in there. We'll make it through with the help of all of the wonderful people on this board.
I'm working hard to regain some perspective, count my blessings, etc. I can't believe how much energy I've put into understanding a man who doesn't care to understand himself. I really need to shift that energy into healing me. I guess part of healing is understanding what happened and relieving myself of the burden of failing. That's taken awhile since the only effort my H has put into me and our marriage is making sure that I understand that this is all my fault and he had to escape.
