One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break

[Fightfire00]

thank you all for the wonderful insights... I am reading them all and taking them into account... I'm sorry if I don't respond directly, but "quoting" is not a skill I've picked up here yet... I'm trying to process all this info at once...

believe me, that I have looked at this from W point of view... she had every right to leave me 9 years ago, and frankly I'm blessed she didn't... the last 5 years I've been making efforts to change myself and I'm still making those efforts...

I don't blame her, I don't hate her... I have been talking the IC and a DB coach and they think I'm on the right track here... I'm trying my darndest to be her friend first... as well as the best dad I can be... I'm becoming a better man of god, and a better man as a result... I've lost 25lbs in the last month and am working on keeping it off now...

I have ordered the 5 love languages and will read it and do my best to practice it if given the chance...

I will be going "dark" this week, as MIL is in town to help since I'm teaching this week in addition to being at the fire station...

thank you all so very much for believing in me... I can see one thing that I need to work on personally is my self esteem... it has NEVER been any good... I have a project now...

I am also working VERY hard on my patience (have little at times) as well as trying not to be so pessimistic.. those are 40 year old habits and take a while to correct...

lastly, 25mlc, no you didn't push a button, I've been busy.. LOL... I know I was an knucklehead early on... and I've worked hard not to be... the OW was a habit that I had to break.. it took my W moving out to do it... I did it... was very hard but I did it...

and I know I will make it through this... without a doubt... I BELIEVE that this will get better and W will come home... she has noticed my changes and we have a fine time when around each other, which ONLY started after I quit pursuing her... I learned that lesson... and I've had the "I miss you" slip twice when vulnerable... but when she slipped and said "I love you" I didn't call her out, or say anything about it... I let it go...

I'm learning... DB coach thinks I'm doing great... I will keep doing the best I can to be the friend she needs and the best dad I can be...

thanks again everyone for all the positive comments.. I am reading them and taking them all to heart...