Yes, it is very "normal" if such a term can be used in this situation. I got it all the time. Still do when it comes to the kids, even if I don't ask questions. So I don't.
Be still. Be at peace. Change the locks.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Do they fly off the handle at the smallest question?
ummm... yeah...
And yes... they can use the bully or shame / blame technique so that YOU feel bad... keep your chin and your PMA up when ever you are around him or have to speak with him.
The less you allow him to push your buttons (by way of attacking you for benign communication), the more apt he could be to stop trying to push them... ie. They will no longer exist
Question, though... Why did you want to know (from him) whether he was at your place? What was the purpose of asking him?
The purpose in asking him if he was here was to let him know that if he was sneaking around my house he was seen. He has no business over here unless he's here to get the girls. If he was here when no one was home, what was his purpose in coming over without alerting me?
I haven't heard the story of the tell tale heart in a long time.One thing I did figure out last night. I was in a silent marriage for years. I am not used to having a man spew, then act like everything is fine, quickly try to explain himself and then act like it never happened. So when XH starts to explain himself, Im not used to it, and I do feel he's trying to cover something up.
As the other posters wrote..yes, they will fly off the handle if you question them about something they may have done. Oh, and one more thing...projection will come out in full display when you do question.
Of course, he's forgotten that his response to you gave him away. Change the locks and do not tell him that you have done so. Also, change the locks on any sheds or other buildings you have on your property. Have you noticed anything missing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Because for all intents and purposes, you KNOW he was there. So you were trying to verbally tell him boundaries that would be extremely difficult to enforce, unless you had neighbors call you about his presence on your property and then called the cops for trespassers.
So as snod said, change locks to protect the home. Otherwise, the confronting will likely just lead to projection and spew, at this time. Those results will do one of two things for you, maybe... put you on the roller coaster or put you in WAS mode where it is just another reason why you do not want to be with him.
If you'd rather be in neither of those modes... then when you receive info regarding him being an idiot... just consider it... file it away for possible reference at some later time (if you want) and then... forget about it...
Kimmerz, My neighbor use to tell me when my xh would make visits to my home. I would document the information and I would walk around my house to see if anything was taken and I would also check my sheds, etc. I would document anything that was taken.
Prior to changing the locks, I wouldn't dust for weeks on end just to see what he touched. He wasn't stupid. If he had mail in the box, he would open it and take the trash w/him. The neighbor went as far as to tell me that he washed his clothes and dryed them on my dime. As soon as my lawyer advised me that all of his personal belongings were out of the house, I could change the locks. So, I moved all of his stuff to the detached garage and changed the locks. I went as far as unplugging the garage door opener that he had the remote for because I because to notice things were disappearing that I had purchased after he left. Was he angry when he tried his remote and keys? The neighbor said he stomped his feet and left. I was fortunate to change the locks when I did because he had planned to have his friends come over and take all of the furniture three days after I had the locks changed. Guess what? It didn't happen.
Did I tell him what I was doing? Nope. When it came time for settlement, I pulled out my documentation and my receipts and he either had to return the items or pay for them since they were purchased after he walked out. He wasn't too happy about it, but that's life and I wasn't about to supplement his new lifestyle with spanky pants.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I didn't even need to question W sometimes...the defensiveness and projection systems were fully spew armed, locked and loaded when I came in the door from work...the act of my breathing in the house would unleash them...
WTH was he doing there anyway? He had a year to get all his shizz out of the house....?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, They sometimes come back and just sit in the driveway revisiting their many memories of home. Mine would come into the house and apparently just sit or sleep on the couch. He couldn't touch anything without me being away of it because of the dust. The computer was locked and I would ensure that the TV was on a certain channel. If he ate something, he took the wrappers with him, the same way he did his mail, trash, etc.
I always knew when he had been here, even before the neighbor would tell me. The hair on th back of neck would stand up and I'd have a 6th sense about it.
Some "sneak" back to get stupid stuff, i.e., toothpaste, photos, coffee mugs. Things that make no sense to us, but they do to them. That's why it is very important to really look around because the items aren't that obvious to you until you go to use that special pot, pan or mug. It's just very strange behavior, but that's kids for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well...to me anyway. Next time you leave, leave a note on the TV.
"Hi, X, since you're here will you finish up the milk before it goes bad, and take out the garbage along with whatever you came here for. Thanks, Kimmerz"
Quote:
And that is what she did. This week D9 didn't want to stay at all. XH asked D12 if she was going to stay and she told him she wanted to come home and no she wasn't staying with him either.
I think his feelings are hurt.
Look, K, you know I'm all supportive of the LBS as long as they are...doing good for themselves and by themselves, growing and not wallowing.
So I'm for you.
With kids?
This is the way it is. You cannot protec thtem their whole life and sometimes, what they want...even if it goes along with what we want... isn't what should happen.
Awww he feels bad. Awww F@#& Him! That is not why I am saying this.
You are dividing time, and as long as he is not a danger to them, isn't neglectful, or anything like that, they should be there.
It falls on him to talk with them. Not you...except...
Your part, you don't even need to do anything...however, you're their mother, if you want it to be easier on them (NOT HIM)? Maybe you should talk to him about it. They are pretty young. If they were older I'd suggest talking to them about talking with him...but they are not.
As for not wanting to share time with the OW and their father? She might be in the picture a long time. Do we like the OW? No...not saying we should, but do we posion the kids against them? I mean that will be a toxic relationship whenever they are around if that happens, what are we teaching our kids?
It's ok to hate?
My boys, know I hate one person. One, and they have in the past told me they hate him too. I said it is not good to hate, try to avoid it. I don't need you hating on him because I do, limit your hate to things or people who are the complete opposite of you, who cause pain because they can and who offer no remorse, except when they are impacted poorly by their choices.
And then my boys said, "What? Those are big words dad!"
Thye got the point though.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks so much for the support and insights. It really means alot to me to hear from other people, because if Im insane I want to know.
Here's the texting conversation that happened yesterday.
Kimmerz: Were you at the house Saturday?
XH: No, why?
Kimmerz: my neighbor told me that there was a truck that looked like yours parked in the yard and there was a man and a woman here.
Xh: Well it wasnt me, only reason I have for going to your house is to pick up the kids, was anything missing? Ask them to get a picture and a license# if they see it again.
Kimmerz: I did tell them exactly that. Nothing is missing. If it happened again, Im filing a complaint. Will there be a problem if I start dropping off the kids with you sometimes?
XH: No that's fine, what time on Saturday was that supposed to have been?
Kimmerz: Betweem 11;00 - 11:30 a.m. I may need that house key back. I lost my keys.
XH: Can have it anytime you want, if you actually think I would go there on my own you should just change the locks as for 11:00 Saturday I was on the computer and OW was at a funeral in Newport.
Kimmerz: Why are you defensive and explanatory? All I did was ask and you gave me your answer which was it wasn't you. That was fine. And I gave you my answer which was what I would do if it happened again. I did lose my key I wasn't trying to use that as an excuse to get your key from you. Im aware I can change the locks and could've a long time ago, but the safety of the kids trumps me trying to lock you out. We had a deal remember? You have a key incase of emergency to get the kids and from what I gather you needed that key last week.
XH; Wasn't being overly defensive just don't like being accused of that if someone accused you like that you would do the same. Just telling you that if you don't believe me, which you usually dont, that there are people that can vouch for my whereabouts around that time. And I would feel better not having the key if you feel that I would use it in that way. That's all. I am at work if you need it today otherwise i can give it to the kids when I see them this week.
Kimmerz: I was not accusing you. I asked if you were here last Saturday. For all I knew you might have been trying to be noble and check in on the house while we were gone. So I asked if you were here. True, I have a very hard time trusting you and I have my reasons for that. Im sure it will get better with time. No it's no fun being accused of things and I can understand how you felt accused. But I was not out to accuse you. I was asking if you were here.
Sooo, I get a text from D9 today telling me Dad is dropping something off for me this afternoon. I knew it was the key. And I did finally find my extra house key today. So I decided to tell him he could keep it since I found my keys. I never got a response but he never brought them back. He text D9 and said " never mind mom doesn't need it after all".
I figure I can change the locks no matter what. If push came to shove he could've had more keys made.
To top this off, I talked to my mother in law the other night when I found out that it seemed XH was at my house when we were out of town. I asked her if XH had mentioned anything to her about stopping by. She said no, and she instantly said that he probably suspects another man around here since I had a man cleaning up the yard one day when he picked the girls up for school. D9 said he was watching the guy really hard, and my lawn guy said Xh glared at him pretty intently that morning.
As I talked to my mother in law she told me some things that were disturbing. She said that at Thanks giving OW had XH cornered and was instructing him that he needs to seek sole custody of our children because I was an unfit mother. His cousin said I was an unfit mother because the girls are overweight. My mother in law jumped in the middle of it and told OW off, told his cousin off, and then pulled XH in the corner and told him off too. She said XH listened to her and she felt he snapped out of it.
So hearing that along with hearing someone see's a description of XH truck in my driveway made me feel he could've been here trying to find evidence Im an unfit mother, with the OW by his side. Im not the best housekeeper but for the love of god we're just talking clutter.
So guys there's the scoop.
At anyrate I've decided to just let this go. If he's snooping, he's snooping and he always will get caught, he always has. I don't like the idea of him coming over to snoop. If he wants to come over, he needs to ask like a normal person. I mean today he couldn't even tell me he wanted to drop off the key he had D9 relay the message.
I understand overeacting to things now, I really do. I understand getting defensive, because we all do it. It's natural if your not on top of your game. But one thing I've learned is spew is the by product of something else going on, always.
I just wish he could just TALK TO ME!
That's all I ever wanted.
Guess I still do, but have accepted it's not going to happen like some huge miracle, if ever at all.
