You can't tell him you're not going to pursue him anymore, you just stop. Don't explain your actions because then they seem like they are part of some plan you're obsessing about.
Just stop sending the emails. He may ask why you stopped and he may not. You are operating from the courteous position of thinking that you have to explain your changes in behavior -- you don't. You will not push him away by refusing to explain, in fact, the mystery may draw him closer.
The LBS is often looking for grand gestures, or major signs of change. Progress is often much slower and more subtle -- it may be happening and you don't notice. When he cuts the lawn and you ML do you feel better or worse? You've established that it's not causing him to recommit, does it have a positive impact on him where you see a positive trend? If not, then decide what to do only for yourself -- if you like it then do it, if not then don't
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
i sent him the email because i had already sent one for monday morning (about father's day) and it was on sunday that we talked. i didn't want him to think i had not listened to him and sent one anyway. i just let him know it was prior and that i wouldn't be sending them anymore to respect his feelings. also to let him know i will need to be kept informed about our business dealings.
i didn't mention pursuit but i can see how that would be implied.
ML when he's here, of course, makes me feel good. it is physically pleasurable but also helps me feel connected to him. there's lots of intimate kissing so i miss that.
i'm not sure about how he feels about it other than physical pleasure. he may feel like he's throwing me a bone (no pun intended) or that he's just getting a release and i'm a familiar lover.
he has told me he loves me, "very, very much".
i've read on here several times about making good memories when you can while still keeping your self-respect. i think i'll stay and try to do that, all the while, not letting things go into a R talk. he's very sensitive to any bad moods or anger coming from me and i have not shown him any.
he's misinterpreted some text communications as such (relying on previous experiences with me) however, i've been able to point out that text leaves emotions up to the receiver and by saying please and thank you, and not expanding, i was not upset. i don't like texting because i need my reading glasses to do it and i don't alway have them and i don't like moving my thumbs around for so long for expansive replies. i've told him i prefer phone calls but it's his choice.
i think if i leave, he'll feel i'm ticked off and just left to spite him. his LL is time spent together so maybe i can give him some of that and try to put something good into his love tank.
he likes it when i help him with the yard. he likes it when we work together, and so do i.
i know i'll have to let go of expectations. i think that has been my biggest problem, all along. he's nice, then i expect him to be closer than he is. it's me wanting to push things the way i want them to be. "The LBS is often looking for grand gestures, or major signs of change."
accuray, you are so right about this! i am very guilty of looking for faster progress and more hopefulness.
maybe i'll just take it one day at a time and enjoy myself and not think about tomorrow (or next month, or next year). i think it was brit that said that's helping her.
i'll let you know what happens and you all can hit me with 2x4's (hope not).
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
No, I'm not happy with how things are. I think, as I was writing about it, I came to the thought that I should try to have a good experience with him. I appreciate all advice. I guess I just processed it and came to this conclusion. I don't know if it's the "right" one but I'll see what happens.
I'm going to tell him that I need to get away and visit an old girlfriend from high school. I think getting away from this lonely life, all by myself, out in the country, will be good for my PMA. I have way too much time on my hands to think about him and the sitch.
He really shouldn't have a problem with it, to my way of thinking. Anyone who tells their wife they "don't miss" then has lost that right.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
well, he came and mowed the lawn. before he mowed, we did ML and it was nice and intimate. he initiated.
i helped him with the yard work and we got a lot done. he really appreciated it. he had a couple of beers while he was mowing. when he would take breaks, we would talk about different people we both know, our kids and grandkids, cars we're thinking of buying, etc.
i made us dinner and then he left. all in all, it was a very pleasant evening and i enjoyed his company and he appeard to enjoy mine.
he did tell me that he had been trying to decide if he was going to attend a destination wedding in las vegas we had been invited to. it's the SD of a very old, childhood friend of his who lives in another city. he said he really didn't want to spend the money and he didn't want to hurt my feelings but he wasn't ready to go with me until he "figures things out". so, he was thoughtful about my feelings but he's still confused.
another positive, i think, is when i told him i could tell he was at a nearby ATM from our banking website and it's out of his mom's neighborhood.
he said he had attended a wedding of two people he works with (i used to work there, too, prior to my retirement). i guess he could see my eyes cloud over because he immediately told me that only five people from work were invited (all guys) and none of their spouses attended. the positive is that he didn't want my feelings to be hurt.
so, any thoughts? i didn't tell him i wanted to go on a trip. since he was telling me he was not going on one, i didn't have the heart to put it out there and ruin the good experience we were having.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
