Results of confronting the other guy?

[25yearsmlc]

Just to be clear.

"Michelle through her research and work is going to have put together processes that have the highest chance of working in various scenarios."

Impossible. Every situation is different and there is no way they all be accounted for.

True Bond, but she HAS empirical research and has put together what has the relatively highest chance of working

whereas all we have is this board, our own experiences and what we read.

DLS seems ONLY to use his experience and boldly applying it to all.

DSL, you cheated on your first w and say what would have worked for you back then, but I wonder.

You say that cheaters mock their former spouses, rubbing their noses in it to humiliate the spouse by cheating and throwing it in their face, etc?

Did you do that to your first w?

Was that your goal when you cheated on your first w? Did you even give her a 2nd thought or what?

True confession time-
I spoke long ago to a poster (now banned) about how I almost had an EA- PA some 20+ years ago and why I personally felt exposing was a BAD idea.

At the time of my almost EA/PA, I had my reasons and don't want to go into them now (hijack) but suffice to say, I felt totally justified. I rationalized it.
At the time, I believed "H had pushed me into OM's arms, (figuratively.")

Luckily I had some great gf's and sisters and my dad, whom I confided in, believe it or not. (Despite the rationalizations At some level there was tremendous internal conflict b/c why else would I seek out advice?)

This was before things had gone too far.

So I went to a shrink and a minister (the minister was far more helpful at the time than the shrink, who seemed to agree with my reasons for wanting an A...wth?). The minister made concrete suggestions to help me feel better IN the marriage too.
Anyhow I got help & worked it out, and stay married without having an affair. Merely considering it scared me.

But here's the upshot.

IF My h had found out and tried to shame me by exposing me--assuming that means telling my family (who already knew and understood)

or to my work or 3rd parties or acted like a victim with an angry attitude or as if he'd hold it over my head,

I'd have filed for divorce that week and probably never looked back.

Why/how?

B/c h really was too busy and he really was neglecting his family. I really did feel justified. I was in the Gulf War (I ONLY joined for him) so thanks to that
I was in a bad sitch to top it off and an intense and weird situation too.

H had been way too busy & tired at home for a long time (as in 8 years and he started it when son was 8 weeks old) and that's just a fact.

He was in medical training and that is, what it is. I know, he wasn't getting drunk at the bar but for every night he worked late or all night and came home to sleep was another night of me being a single mom. (Just to show the other side of the coin).

So to me, since I THINK most women who have affairs are angry hurt or lonely (I'm projecting and I concede this) are also depressed, or neglected, or worse, I can say what I KNOW would NOT have worked in my situation.

And it happens to be exactly what MWD's research supports.


DLS - I just don't believe you read the Div Remedy book, period.

OR you are here to argue against it.

Starsky, like I said, I don't know your story. From my POV, you seem to take the same approach & equate all EAs and Physical affairs, regardless of duration or circumstance, as if they all belong in the same pile. Maybe you don't. But it's how it strikes me and my reaction bugs you so much which also strikes me.

I mean, At least mine is consistent with DBing.

Sometime I think you don't believe the other spouse plays a role. I did not say "blame the LBSer" but it is a fruitless endeavor to avoid looking in the mirror.

And There's a lot about "pulling back, going dark & no contact", which maybe what most need but

would have been the exact opposite of what I needed in my situation

and h must have sensed it, b/c he romanced me just when I needed it most, which made my working things out on my own, possible.


I like the term "boundaries" but don't know what others mean when they use that word. Boundaries are sometimes mis-used as euphemisms for "punishing' and 'teaching" and or shaming a spouse into submission/return which does not sound like a healthy or loving thing to do.

And I cannot imagine that alone, restoring a marriage. It MIGHT get a spouse home, but shame won't make them happy or stay...and I think most leave again if that's what got them home.

you're right, one size does not fit all. SOMETIMES exposing MIGHT work but we are not even sure what we mean by "exposing".

Confronting the spouse may make sense...not always...but I bet often...is that what you mean by exposing?

Or confronting others? Why? Who? What goal is served?

To me (& MWD suggests this) involving others would make it harder for the WAS to return, which goes against a DB premise of

"Keeping the Road Home, Paved & Smooth", which does NOT mean once they come home all is fine & dandy. It does not make one a doormat.

I think we all agree, doormats are not attractive or healthy.


So DLS, back to how you behaved and what you were thinking when you cheated, you paint a pretty ugly picture of a cheater. I don't believe most women are as into "humiliating their spouse" as you seem to think. It's selfish for sure, but I don't see MOST cheaters as acting consciously to punish.

Were you?

I'm sincerely asking. B/C I have to say that when I merely considered OM, it was b/c I was in a lot of pain and felt my m & h were years away from ever meeting my needs. (My love language is quality time and i didn't get much or any, for years...He worked 80+ hours a week, sometimes 42 days in a row and when he was home...he wasn't really.)

The main thought/image that kept me from straying was the vision of my h or my kids crying b/c of me.



"And also understand some methods which are "illogical" but work regarding these type of situations."

That's what DB is all about. DB isn't logical and goes against instinct. You really haven't been reading.

Not sure if it's literally "illogical" but it certainly FEELS counter intuitive. And I have seen some great results.

"The things I pointed out which got some negative flak, are things that "you aren't supposed to do", or "are not nice" - but they do have some affect, and"

No you got negative flak because you kept stating them as fact and comes across as rude.

"even if only to make you feel better about what's going on."


Wow, this is just "young" thinking and it's potentially dangerous & only "makes you feel better" if punishing someone does that for you.

Like the phrase I once heard,

"Holding onto anger to hurt someone else is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."

The nastier a cheater is, the easier it is for an LBSer to feel good about the choice to leave. Just fuels the negative images she had for leaving in the first place.

On a few occasions I have wanted to slap someone's face. I would "feel better" ...in the short run, maybe.

But it would a very bad BAD idea...for ME--legally, morally and emotionally.

can you see why healing myself on my own, without hurting someone else or involving someone else,

is healthier and more moral and therefore more likely to succeed in the long run?


If you want to get your spouse back, you don't always do what makes you feel better. In fact, that's what got the LBS in hot water sometimes. Go back and read the book.