AJ - You aren't missing anything, just not putting the pieces together.

Did I do the best I could with the tools I had? Maybe. I have to look real hard through the guilt to see that I really wasn't as bad as bad as I think.

But...with that said. It's not so much a question of was my wife a partner, but was I? I know I could have been so much better. Heck I've been proving it everyday for a few years now. My W has always been a busy body and all the things I used to do for myself, I kind of got used to her doing them. Including paying bills she didn't have the money for. I have a lot of pent up guilt over that. She has plenty of reasons for going into MLC. The triggers, that I can see, were when she lost close friendships and started new ones with others who were angry with their hunsbands. The biggest difference between those guys and me was I treated my W as an equal and not a piece of property. None of that matters though when you find a common bond. Kind of like how cults get started.

Anywho, so my W would do all the cooking. I tried for a while, but she's a much better cook and doesn't much like what I make most of the time so I kind of gave up. Granted I never was able to offer much assistance as to what I wanted for dinner. Funny thing there is that I find I'm always asking the kids what they want and they give me the same response I gave my W - I don't know. I can see now how frustrating that can be when you just want to do something without having to think after a long day.

I wasn't a big cleaner. I helped when she asked, but rarely did more than vacuum or clean the hardwood floors without being asked. I did laundry, but rarely put the clean clothes away. I have a mild side of ADD so I've always been able to keep a job, but I was often worried about taking risks so I didn't really start advancing in my career until about 3 years ago. And I can't always say I was the best person to raise my kids. S12 has ADHD and he and I often would butt heads, which would often force my W to referee. On her limited income, my W was responsible for gift giving year round and I was severely lacking in the "consideration" department. Most all my money went to big bills like the mortgage and car(s) payments and the kids tavel sport activities. It doesn't mean I couldn't have done something, I just wasn't always consistent.

All this stuff adds up on a person. So again, I get that she was going into MLC at some point or another and that I was helping her get there. I also have claimed that my W going into MLC rescued me from me. I'm far better equipped today as a human being than I ever was in my life. My W has acknowledge that and her entire family gets that. But you can't just turn around and come to the negotiating table with your enemy and I see how my wife would look at reconciling with me as her doing all the work "again" and me reaping all the rewards.

I have to prove myself somehow. It's coming. I don't know what it will be or when, but it's coming. I'm not talking so much about proving anything to my wife, I'm talking about proving it to myself. Two years of MLC, two years of building repetition into my life to make positive thoughts/actions permanent. Something's missing still and it's kind of making me restless in a VERY non-MLC way.

I think the reason I didn't curl into a ball is that I always knew what I had in me and I have a habit of rising to a challenge.