i think she knows you are there to talk to if she wants to. and that's good, IMO. i don't think you need to tell her. "The Crimson that existed a year ago pretty much does not exist anymore."
we are so much better than we were. someone will see it!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Check out the stats on mothers who file/leave the marriage, absent abuse. It's worse for those who leave their kids too...and your wife has lost time w/him.
Where are those stats, out of curiosity? Granted, my wife isn't a mother, but it would still be interesting to see...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Check out the stats on mothers who file/leave the marriage, absent abuse. It's worse for those who leave their kids too...and your wife has lost time w/him.
Where are those stats, out of curiosity? Granted, my wife isn't a mother, but it would still be interesting to see...
Kolja, I'll get them but it's time consuming as it has been a few years. But all the cases I looked at were moms who left.
One group left the marriage WITH the kids versus the ones who left the kids behind.
THe second group did much worse.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A little bit ago, she texted me: "Thanks for the letter. Sounds like you are healing well".
Didn't really respond to that. Didn't know how she "took" it, you know? Perhaps almost as if I was "over" her - which just isn't true at this point. I'm doing OK, but I still have feelings for her and I still don't want D. I just have stopped crying and whining and I only show her happy, content and positive.
Crimson
It doesn't matter how she took it. It was another positive deposit.
There is nothing wrong with her saying that it sounds like you are healing well. That is a good thing. You are being positive and she is taking notice. Don't make anymore of it than it is.
The last few times that I have visited your thread, I picture you trying to run to the fireplace to put your hand back in and 25 smacking it with a fly swatter.
OMG-With God as my witness, when I read Crimson's take on his wife's TINY but POSITIVE comment, which he carefully spun around negatively,
I wanted to reach through the computer and scream.
A fly swatter might be better, but dang Crimson, you sure do touch hot stoves a lot. (insert james dean voice)
..."you're tearing me apart!!"
can ya just stop that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, here's an interesting little wrinkle - probably not a big deal but interesting nonetheless. W dissolution request was/is scheduled to be dismissed by 6/25 if not settled. Looks like we are having to file an extension so her L can review the settlement doc. Been pushed by another 30 days. Granted, anywhere in those 30 days she and her L can "OK" everything - but looks like suddenly there is about another 30 days. Not expecting the world, but at least we are getting along fairly well right now.
1/3 of divorces filed in this state, are never completed...& they get dismissed.
Carry on Crimson. Just carry on, and do NOT put the negative hat on please.
You really do get what you put into this life and if you put out positives, you'll get them back in some form.
Trust that. Have some faith. You attend church. So, Are you a believer?
If so, then Lean on HIM...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've been following your situation from day 1. While I am impressed at your growth I have to throw a couple of thoughts your way. it may seem critical of me, but here goes.
Gabby was spot-on. I saw that letter purely an attempt to provoke a reaction. You tell yourself all the time that this is a purely unselfish gesture like the letter, like the sandwich, etc. I don't know your W or your exact circumstances, but to me those things seem like you are trying to show your wife how the "new crimson." The only reason you have a negative reaction, again the ONLY reason is not because you are trapped in a negative thinking cycle, but because you have attached something to your action. When you don't get the reaction you consciously or unconsciously want, your mind a has to find a reason for it and that usually is negative. That negativity can screw you up big time. (believe me on this)
If you have to write the letters. then write them. Put them in an envelope and put them a way.
You can show your wife how much you appreciate your son, by being a great dad. You said your W "knows you feelings" then why do you keep telling her them?
Also this whole business of going to church and telling yourself "you are going to church today for you, not to sit and wonder if W is going to be there." (I've seen you do this with other thoughts as well were W enters the thought) You've already lost. W is already part of the calculation even if it's to tell yourself you don't care if W is there.
I mean really, who else do you do that with? For example, I love my twin brother, he's as close to me as anyone. But I would never think, "I'm going to the family barbeque for me and not sit and wonder if my Bro is there." If he's there it would be awesome and I would like it. But ultimately, it doesn't matter to my day if he's there or not. You sound like you are trying to convince yourself that your W not being at church doesn't matter, but it matters enough to tell yourself it doesn't matter, if you follow me.
All this bring to this notion. You simply haven't detached. Detaching can be tough, but it is so necessary. You have to detach REGARDLESS of how things turn out to have a healthy relationship with your W or otherwise.
You simply can't hang your emotions or feelings on another. It's not fair to the other person and not good for you. I would suggest you look into that before you start making deposits because without detachment every deposit has strings.
I think detachment can be very confusing and it doesn't always mean what people think it means.
one thing that really helped me detach was looking at how my thought process played into things. Google "Cognitive distortions." and Cognitive distortions book." There is a book out there that really helps with this and can give you practical exercises to work on this. So you aren't just trying to do it on the fly.
Good luck.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I've been following your situation from day 1. While I am impressed at your growth I have to throw a couple of thoughts your way. it may seem critical of me, but here goes.
Gabby was spot-on. I saw that letter purely an attempt to provoke a reaction. You tell yourself all the time that this is a purely unselfish gesture like the letter, like the sandwich, etc. I don't know your W or your exact circumstances, but to me those things seem like you are trying to show your wife how the "new crimson." The only reason you have a negative reaction, again the ONLY reason is not because you are trapped in a negative thinking cycle, but because you have attached something to your action. When you don't get the reaction you consciously or unconsciously want, your mind a has to find a reason for it and that usually is negative. That negativity can screw you up big time. (believe me on this)
If you have to write the letters. then write them. Put them in an envelope and put them a way.
You can show your wife how much you appreciate your son, by being a great dad. You said your W "knows you feelings" then why do you keep telling her them?
Also this whole business of going to church and telling yourself "you are going to church today for you, not to sit and wonder if W is going to be there." (I've seen you do this with other thoughts as well were W enters the thought) You've already lost. W is already part of the calculation even if it's to tell yourself you don't care if W is there.
I mean really, who else do you do that with? For example, I love my twin brother, he's as close to me as anyone. But I would never think, "I'm going to the family barbeque for me and not sit and wonder if my Bro is there." If he's there it would be awesome and I would like it. But ultimately, it doesn't matter to my day if he's there or not. You sound like you are trying to convince yourself that your W not being at church doesn't matter, but it matters enough to tell yourself it doesn't matter, if you follow me.
All this bring to this notion. You simply haven't detached. Detaching can be tough, but it is so necessary. You have to detach REGARDLESS of how things turn out to have a healthy relationship with your W or otherwise.
You simply can't hang your emotions or feelings on another. It's not fair to the other person and not good for you. I would suggest you look into that before you start making deposits because without detachment every deposit has strings.
I think detachment can be very confusing and it doesn't always mean what people think it means.
one thing that really helped me detach was looking at how my thought process played into things. Google "Cognitive distortions." and Cognitive distortions book." There is a book out there that really helps with this and can give you practical exercises to work on this. So you aren't just trying to do it on the fly.
Good luck.
That ^^^ is golden and I agree wholeheartedly.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
1/3 of divorces filed in this state, are never completed...& they get dismissed.
As a guy I used to work for would occaisionally say, .300 can get you to Cooperstown!
Side note (part of the reason I asked 25 about the stats earlier), it was actually in looking for numbers how many divorces never actually get completed that I found this site (for some reason, in the immediate aftermath of my wife's big decision, I felt like numerical evidence that it wasn't NECESARRILY the end would reassure me...)
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
