One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break

[25yearsmlc]

I don't disagree with any of that advice FF. Accurays' words are good even if they do not completely fit your sitch. You can tweak them.

Going dark does not mean the same thing when you still have kids. So don't worry that there'll be "no contact" b/c there has to be some, you have kids.

I would not do anything however, that reminds her of the old you. The flirting before during and after marrying and going online, etc --ALL things like that I'd keep away from her (or better yet, since you want the marriage restored, just do not do them.)

She may not admit it but I have a very hard time believing those past events did not eat away at her.

So as for "wearing the ring/vs/Not wearing it" to make a statement...what statement do you want to send?

Til you're legally divorced AND ready to date, (which happens some time after a divorce)

why not keep it on b/c YOU are working on the marriage? For you?

That small act is a symbol of your choices made for you.

And as others have said, let's not worry about how she SAYS you're fine and it's not you.

B/C if that is really true, then you are powerless b/c you have nothing to work on.

So see the concept of working on shortcomings as the empowering gift that it is.

When the first 3 mc's we saw told me my h was "acting single" and "being selfish" I felt vindicated at first....I was "right" and he was "wrong".

It changed nothing. I mean, what do I DO with that "insight"? Not much.

Not til I began DBing and found a solution based t, did I focus on ME and that's really good b/c I am all I control.

Good luck, you may well be able to turn this around.

Can you describe a great memory of a family OR couple event, that you think your w really enjoyed? What were YOU like in that event?

that may help you learn something about her love languages. Chapmans' book The Five Love Languages that Accy recommended, is good for all couples.

I think your time line of expectations is far too short. See my signature block for my perspective. FF, are you the type of guy who HAS to have a woman in his life, even if it means losing THE woman in his life? Dig deep here. You had two women at once, more than once, and then went online for something...

How did you change that?

FYI- A study showed Most long term marriages (marriages that last) cite the few years after the birth of their 2nd child, as the least satisfying time in the marriage. Makes sense to me.

A lot of purely physical demands are made of the parent with primary physical "custody" of the kids, = sleep deprivation and NOT going out a lot unless it's very kid friendly. The kid's needs are at their highest, and the couples don't have a lot of time to bond as an entity of their own. We stopped travelling far for about 2 years.

Post partum Hormones frequently drop a woman's libido for months, and later on then sheer exhaustion can kick in too. Often fathers work extra due to the increased financial pressure so they're home less, which means more of a burden on the wife (& dad). SOME men feel neglected or even jealous of their children, and choose to act out, right at the time their wife may feel most vulnerable as a woman. This isn't rare.

Finally, just so I know I'm not mis-reading this and b/c you didn't answer, did my recap push a button? I really wasn't trying to rub your face in the past,

but sometimes you speak as if you're only looking at what she says today & you seem "stumped" by her choices/words.

But her choice was not made in a vacuum. She's conflicted, which is GOOD news for you. As much pain as she's been in for awhile, which MAY have lead her to shut down feelings as a protective measure, shows that there was also some real love for you too.
Do you know what I'm saying/asking? As for her saying all is well, how long has it been? Wait til the logistics hit when school begins or the holidays come. She has not had time to factor all this in and she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of her repressed pain.

I think the grass is greener where it gets the most water (attention). You conceded already you guys did not have or build on couple time.

When she sees you putting such sustained effort into yourself, without expecting from her, she'll wonder about whether her "data" on you is still accurate. Maybe, just maybe, you did change

and maybe she CAN trust the change are real and lasting.

IMO, it's Only then will she let her feelings resurface and good memories and hopes, be examined.


Hang in there.