I have been standing still and that has brought so much of a breakthrough in my life actually. I think my entire life I have had this sense of anxiety. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be working harder in my career? Am I being a good parent? What will I be doing in 5 years? Why haven't I travelled enough. I would make lists and plans and than have anxiety if they weren't happening and be upset with myself if I didn't make them happen. I did that our whole M.
Now? I honestly feel like for the first time in my life I am enjoying things...anything. Last night, I folded laundry and as I turned off the lights I looked around my kitchen and just felt happy and content. Today even though it sounds like I had a bad day I actually had so much fun. I talked to strangers, had a wonderful time with my son, stopped and enjoyed street performers without worrying about what time we needed to be somewhere, noticed nature, took pictures of baby swans. I really am happier than I have been in a long time.
Which is why this upsets me. I want to stop thinking about him. You're right he won't be with me.
We're not friends and that's really hard. After the bomb he told me that I'm still his best friend no one knows me like him and no one knows him like me. But he doesn't share his life with me. Possibly because of what he thinks my reaction will be, he doesn't want to talk about her. And there really isn't much in his life but her. I did feel like I did a good job on Wednesday when I brought up his trip with her and said it looked like they had fun and he told me a funny story about car trouble. Then on Saturday he was very very nice to me, told me I looked amazing/fantastic, said he wanted to take care of me, and sent a gift of breakfast home with S. But then told me (when I sorta pushed him on it) that it was a gift for both of us.
So while I feel like he isn't being my friend he may be trying to I don't know! Whenever I think of doing something "friendly" IE I knew he was jealous of us going today (his words) when we were together he was really looking forward to this thing I almost texted him to tell him about it. But I thought that's pursuing and is he going to text me this weekend when he's at an event with her that we were initially going to go to together? no...so I'm pursuing.
I don't even want him as a BF/H/lover right now...I feel like everytime I work on being a friend and working on that side of the relationship and I'm happy with the interaction something will happen FROM HIM that throws me off...the text two weeks ago that was really personal about my achievement (that was kinda not something my best GF would have sent) or the inside joke that my mom used to say, or telling me how fantastic I looked/saying he wants to take care of me, that just pushes me off my stable platform or knocks part of it out from under me so I'm balancing on one leg and just unsure.
