One step closer to the edge and I'm about to break

[Accuray]

Accuray, what do you think were the most successful changes in you that restored your R?

I don't want to threadjack, and my sitch is complicated, but I would say three things:

1) I learned that my W's needs don't parallel my own, she needed things differently, and didn't value receiving what I was providing. She likes quality time and conversation, I like words of affirmation and shared activity. Therefore, I would tell my wife I loved her all the time, how much I appreciated her, etc., and I would invite her to do things with me, but I did not spend a lot of time just sitting down talking to her, calling her, checking in, just listening, etc. Therefore, I thought I was being a good husband because I was sending so well on the channels I like to receive, but in fact I was missing the mark entirely. When she wouldn't respond to my efforts, I'd get frustrated and that would make things worse.

2) I was able to create a climate of physical affection that didn't have to lead to sex. We made two key agreements -- one was that I would not initiate or escalate physical affection. If she hugged me, I could hug her back, if she kissed me I could kiss her back, but I couldn't take it up a notch. This made it "safe" to be physical with me without worrying about me immediately heading for the bedroom. This has been very good, and over time we've been able to relax some of it where I can now initiate affection, but I still stay away from escalation.

3) I did a huge amount of work on myself, I really did 180 her complaints, I got educated, I read everything I could get my hands on relationship-wise, went to IC and MC by myself, used a DB coach, etc. etc. Basically I tried to leave no stone unturned in terms of understanding the problem and what it would take to be successful.

These three things helped once I had a chance, but FF is not there yet. In FF's situation, the things I did were as follows:

a) Give W space
b) 180 W's complaints and work on me
c) Measure everything I did or said against a yardstick of resentment. When W leaves, there is an ocean of built-up resentment. They resent you for making them leave. They then resent your efforts to salvage things in the 11th hour, because why the hell didn't you make the efforts before? In short, they'll resent the following:

-- making them feel responsible for your unhappiness
-- telling them this is their fault, their doing, etc.
-- criticizing their own lack of effort
-- talking about your needs in any way
-- involving their family or friends to advocate on your behalf
-- begging or pleading
-- looking or acting "sad" around them
-- involving the kids in any way, or making any comments to the kids about the situation that aren't positive

You have to avoid ALL of that, and it's SUPER HARD. I felt like I was putting on a 100lb backpack full of rocks every morning and walking around all day with a forced smile, and I did that for months. No show of anger, no show of grief, just "act as if", focus on you, and become hyper-aware of the "resentment meter", they're just looking for you to do something to reinforce their decision -- don't give it to them!

Enough of a threadjack!

Accuray