Father's day, and I gave thanks to God this morning with S8 at my side... it was very nice... boys came home with me after and interestingly enough W got me a father's day gift (from boys, but I know who it came from)and she also invited us to meet her for an early diner at my favorite restaurant... very interesting, thing for her to do... yesterday, I asked her to do me a favor and she wasn't able to get it done.. it didn't bother me a bit, and she apologized for not getting it done and offered to take care of it on Monday... I've been able to "detach" a little I think by giving my pain to God... my faith and my boys are the only things keeping me sane... happy Father's day to all the Dads out there... have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
had a great day with boys today... and an unexpected spend the night party with them too.. so bonus... Father's day gift was great... both boys picked me out a t-shirt(angry birds and Perry the Platypus) and W picked a dressier t-shirt out for me as well.. and she picked out a very sweet card the boys both signed and put in a gift card... then took me out to diner before she went to work... wow... totally unexpected... conversation was light and fun... all in all a pretty good father's day, though i would have rather spent more of it with W... pretty positive though...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
really starting to wonder if I should have said no to W request to do laundry tomorrow night at the house... maybe if she has to find somewhere else to go, it will show her that this is the life she chose when she moved out... am I just being used here...? I'm stuck at a crossroads... not sure what to do... thoughts..?
I didn't see it as you being "used" (and she asked)
let alone just 10 days after she moved out. It's not like a year has passed...
and if I've got this right, not to rub it in,
but you started out living with her and cheating on her, she left but when you learned she was pregnant you two then got married
but you cheated on her again, after marryiing AND created a child with OW? So your sons have a half sibling, whom you barely see? Does your w ever comment on that?
So to HER, perhaps, You guys stayed together b/c of a baby (or two), had little to no sex for a LONG time, and then she moved out but then you another baby... so yeah, that's a pretty darn rocky way to start a family. And I assume that the trust she never felt for you fully, ate away at her. This one will take time.
But hey, as you've heard, It's a marathon, not a sprint.
If I were you, I'd be the best dad you can be. And the best friend to her.
That might be all you get, and maybe NC is what most of us advise. (Check w/the DB coach)
To me, no matter how she says "its HER and NOT YOU" I don't believe that.
I think she's embarassed to say she could not let it go. She never truly forgave you. OR so I fear.
But at least identifying that, if it's the obstacle, is a start.
See what your DB coach says.
And hang in there. I know people can change.
IF she comes to believe you're the man she always wanted you to become
she'll be bummed out that some OW benefits from HER sacrifices...and she might well 2nd guess her choice.
How can she not?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
W didn't come to movie or to diner... thought since she was free she would want to see the boys since she hasn't since yesterday morning... guess I was wrong.. I would have wanted to... just another thing pointing to the fact that she's dealing with her own issues, maybe
This is all mind-reading and won't serve you well. There's also a bit of holier-than-thou mixed in.
Do you see that? That your way is the right way because YOU would want to see the boys and obviously, she didn't. You're making a judgment on her choices..
Is this the new you or the old you?
You have no idea why she didn't go to the movie and it shouldn't matter to you.
She has her life, you have yours.
Work on you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
labug, nice comment and something to think about. I tend to get so focused on trying to figure out why she is doing what she is doing that I can't get past it. W was going to a barbeque yesterday with a group of her friend and stopped by with her boys to say happy father’s day. She looked great and I keep trying to figure out why so dressed up for barbeque. She promises she has no interest in seeing anyone else and she did stop by to show herself off. Maybe there is a friend she is interested in and wants to... So yes we tent to drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out (mind read) what the other is up to and why.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
I've read your sitch, you're in a tough spot right now. Here's a couple thoughts that might help:
When your W moves out, it makes you feel "out of control". You rely upon your spouse, you like to think they have your back, and over time you can take their presence for granted, not necessarily in a bad way, it becomes a place of comfort. When they leave, it's like "yanking the rug" out from under you.
Feeling out of control is very uncomfortable, and it often feels that the shortest path to regaining that control is to just get your spouse back -- but they don't want to come back right now, and when your efforts don't work, you feel even MORE out of control, then you try harder to get their attention and it turns into thrashing.
If you buy into this "control" dynamic, then one thing that can help is to find other ways to help you feel in control of your life. One way to do that is to set small measurable goals for yourself and then meet them. This can be losing weight, exercising, learning to play an instrument, learning a language, whatever -- the goal isn't as important as the ability to log your progress week to week -- that really does help.
With regard to your relationship, I don't think you've gotten down to the root of the issue. Usually in these situations the root of the problem is that your wife had some core needs that you weren't meeting. It's human and natural to expect that if you give what you like to receive, then your spouse should be satisfied, but often their needs don't align with yours, and you have to provide in ways you wouldn't anticipate unless you educate yourself. I think Labug recommended the book "The Five Love Languages", definitely read that, it may be eye-opening.
If you think about it, if you were doing a great job of meeting her needs, then nothing else would really matter -- she would derive a great deal of security from having her needs met, and she would know that you love her. In the context of unmet needs, a lot of things that otherwise might not matter suddenly become very important or become recurring complaints. You address those complaints, but it doesn't seem to help. That's because they are symptoms, not the cause, of your wife's unhappiness.
Getting the root of what she needs may not be easy -- she may not be self-aware enough to know herself. It requires study on your part and some trial and error until you figure it out.
All that is getting ahead of ourselves, however, because you can't do that now -- she's not receptive to it.
Here's where you stand from my perspective. Your W needs space -- it will feel very wrong to give that to her, everything within you will tell you to demonstrate your love, pursue her, don't let her meet someone else, etc. etc. The problem is, that NEVER works. No one ever pursues a wayward spouse back into a relationship. Instead, what happens is that you are "crowding" them, so they need to keep moving farther and farther away to maintain the space they want. Following your heart right now will just push them farther and farther away.
What you need to do is give her MORE space than she wants, because that makes it safe for her to move back toward you while maintaining her comfort zone. Think about it this way -- if she wants 8 feet of space between you and you move toward her 2 feet, she's going to feel uncomfortable, she'll fear that giving you that 2 feet will lead you to take 4 more. Therefore, she'll move another 2 feet away to preserve her 8 feet, but now she's 10 feet away from being "with" you. If she moves out two and you pursue her again, now she's 12 feet away, etc. etc. That's why pursuing is such a bad idea. Your goal right now should be not to push her any further away.
If instead of moving toward her, you move two feet in the OTHER direction, you give her 10 feet of space, now she can move 2 feet back TOWARD you, or 6 feet from your baseline, while still maintaining her 8 foot buffer, and that's the momentum you want, you want her moving toward you, not away.
You seem to be spending a lot of time worrying about the messages you're going to send her, how she's going to perceive what you say and do, etc. This is natural, but counter-productive.
Here's the thing -- she's convinced herself that you cannot meet her needs. She's convinced herself that she knows everything about you, knows what you're capable of, knows how you will react and what you will do in every situation.
What you need to do is PROVE to her that her assumptions are incorrect. You cannot prove this by making arguments, sending love notes, or any form of "look at me". You need to PROVE it by demonstrating new behaviors over and over again, consistently, and with no backsliding. You need to surprise her -- whatever she expected, you need to do something different. This requires changes in you, how you think and how you react, and you get that by educating yourself. This may involve looking differently, dressing differently, changing up your "go to" expressions, but most importantly critically evaluating your shortcomings as a spouse and addressing them methodically. That will benefit you no matter what happens with W, and that's why it's so worthwhile. The more you can make it about you and not about what you're doing FOR HER, the better and more effective it will be.
Good luck FF, you can turn this around, but it will be harder than you expect, and will take 10x as long.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuracy- I have no words to describe your ability to rock the advice straight up- no BS. The analogy of wanting 8 feet, etc... Explains it perfectly.
Good luck FF. We all believe in you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
