So here I am 10 days away from our much wanted 3rd child due to be born.
I am trying my best to remain detached and aloof and "happy" at our current unofficial arrangement. Most days I am my usual philosophical, pragmatic self. Today I am feeling beyond emotional, my heart is slowly being shredded. I can't seem to stop myself crying. The tears will dry and the smile will return before you come back from work.
All you see as you come "home" as you still call it and place your lunch box by the sink, your clothes in the laundry basket is me being "OK". Our amicable chatter, the banter with the kids, the smiles and looks at each other as DD does her funny girl act! You eat the food I cook for you, prepare yourself your next days lunch box. Wash your laundry, BBM your OW, sleep on the couch and borrow my car. All of this "as if". As if "I'm OK". As if the kids are OK. "As if" this is a perfectly normal situation.
Then you go back to the OW and see all your friends, the "happy go lucky guy" that you are. I do not know what tears me apart me the most;
What you have done over the last few years that I blindly put up with.
The projection of anger at me the last few months, every time it seems now that YOU had done something bad.
The leaving us - without "leaving us" and still not telling the kids straight.
The fact that you have blatantly plastered your new relationship on FB and that is how I discovered it, with six weeks to go before baby was due.
The fact that new friends and old (even ones that know me or I thought knew me) are giving you pats on the back for YOUR new found happiness. The horrible things you must have told everyone about me for them to believe what you have done is remotely acceptable given the current events that are happening.
And all the while when you are "home" it's as if everything is OK.
I hope one day you will realise that the happy new life you think you are creating for yourself now was all founded on lies. The friends new, the friends old and even your wonderful new relationship are all based on a lie. I know that at the moment you feel it is all truth, but in time you will discover that it was a false truth.
I will continue to try and understand and empathise with what you are going through, I hope one day you will understand the pain it took me to get there.
I am working towards GAL myself - actually I have been working towards that for longer than you will ever know, because you haven't been interested in my personal journey the last few years. I thought it was an epiphany I was experiencing now I see as you were progressing through your MLC, I was and still am progressing through a Mid-Life Transition. I have been heading towards a new improved me and I intend to keep to that track.
For right now, for survival, to give our baby an opportunity for it's father to bond, for our kids who are going to have to in the next few weeks transition from being two siblings, a mummy and a daddy to three siblings, a mummy and a weekend daddy, I have to continue as though this is a normal situation.
The man who left us is a stranger, someone I would never have cared to know, never mind love. Somewhere, lies the man I did love, the most wonderful person I could ever wish for. I hope he awakes from the coma he appears to be in and returns from wherever he is.
Penny, I empathize w/you completely, but if you are planning to send this letter to your h, it will go right over his head. For one thing, his empathy chip is broken and right now, he's not able to focuson on more than a couple of written lines. They have the attention span of a gnat.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh goodness! NOOOOOO! Sorry it's not a letter for DH to receive AT ALL!!! It's getting my feelings and emotions out here, to enable me to NOT spill my guts in the real world!
I don't work like that. Although I may put my thoughts here and ask for advice, what I may feel and what DH sees are two completely different things at the moment! I don't believe in bottling things up, or racketing feelings or storing up stamps. If it's not face to face with your spouse for the time being as per DB then it's got to go somewhere! And it landed here!
I'm glad you clarified your posting! Yes, it's best that you come here to vent...much healthier than bottling it up.
I think you should print if off and then eithe bury it or burn it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your response! I am gravitating more over here and will probably only return to my original newcomer thread to answer other replies. Soo many posts to look through!
Quote:
I am in confusion about how to deal with MLC stuff, because of the added complication of baby coming very soon!
I currently can't GAL as such, although my pre-occupation is with the kids and baby and therefore I don't even have time to think about WAH!
I maintain friendly acquaintence stance, but he still has certain expecations of me, which I am trying to break. Do you respond to a MLC every whim, or do you say "actually, remember you have chosen to not be with me, so therefore you need to not-be-with- me".
He expects me to still attend to his needs, when I need to attend to mine and those of the children.
The advice unless I am misunderstanding it is to let them be. Just get on with your own life etc, don't pick arguments and other things which I agree with.
But my confusion is how far you let them take the "mickey". For example as cadet said, he is having his cake and eating it! Or so he thinks! I am setting subtle boundaries without arguments, e.g. "you bring your washing home, you do it" has been established by putting his laundry in his own wash basket and leaving it for him to do. I talk from my Adult ego state when I need to verbally address something with him. I don't discuss our marriage, his relationship or anything other than the kids, the baby and general small talk.
I guess I wonder if it's the MLC mentality at work, or whether it's just that splitting up is something new to us both and we've never dealt with it before and are trying to adjust.
Dh stayed again last night, and in the morning I found a note from him, which said "any problems, please text me. I am away all week and weekend so will be home on Monday".
Ok so baby is due two days later but the first two came a few days early! IF and this is out of any one's control, baby is like DD, it could be a quick birth.
I know he intends to go to a School reunion on Saturday, quite some way away (I PREsume with OW who also attended the same school, although they didn't know each other there.
So how should that be handled?
He hasn't even asked if there is anyone to look after the children, if he misses the birth and my mum has to attend.
PH, My situation was similar to yours, and my heart goes out to you. Although X didn't leave when I was pregnant, he emotionally withdrew and abandoned me during that time, and left when D was only 14 months old (after several months of treating me horribly). He was also horrible to me when I was in labor.
You are going to need to let him be so you can concentrate on yourself and take care of yourself. Do you have adequate support? Gather your troops. Make sure you are surrounded with heartfelt and kind people. Find out about parent groups in the area so you can make new friends, particularly with other single moms if possible. I socialized only with women for a long time, and it was a good decision for me.
Also, if you can, make arrangements to have some sitters come after baby arrives so you can breathe and take care of yourself
If I were doing it again, I would not have allowed X to attend the birth as his presence was upsetting to me and did affect things medically.
Your sadness can affect your baby. You may need to leave him in the dust so you can concentrate on your health.
My situation, as you can see in my signature, has had a series of twists and turns. I am the one with the friends, the good new guy, the happy D, and the positive life now.
And OW? Long gone. You have to figure that anyone who is selfish enough to intrude on a guy when his W is pregnant is thoroughly selfish indeed. Proved to be exactly the kind of person I expected.
My impression is that few OPs last long, and if they do, they make life unhappy for the MLCer.
As far as the "friends..." you may be surprised. I kept all the friends. X, in his selfishness, couldn't be bothered to contact friends, and the few he did contact were disgusted w/OW and w/him.
Now he is alone, ill, and dealing with New Woman, who is dying.
I don't relish this--in fact it saddens me in some ways--but people make their choices in life.
(((hugs))) You can do this.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I am setting subtle boundaries without arguments, e.g. "you bring your washing home, you do it" has been established by putting his laundry in his own wash basket and leaving it for him to do. I talk from my Adult ego state when I need to verbally address something with him. I don't discuss our marriage, his relationship or anything other than the kids, the baby and general small talk.