so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

thank you, zig. that's and inspirational post for me. i think you are so right. i really need to stop listening to his complaints and do what's right for me.

i need to stop WAITING for him to get it or change his mind. from the things he's saying, i don't know if he will ever get it. in his mind, all the things he did in our marriage that were negative were caused by me. all the things i did in our marriage that were negative were ALSO caused by me.

he's yet to take responsibility for his actions. and when i do, it's because i'm trying to get him back.

so, it's a no-win situation as it stands today. going to my condo to visit my family and friends is, at least, a winning situation for me. it may cause him to withdraw further and/or file but it's better than just sitting here, day after day, stewing, fretting, and worrying about this sitch and what he's thinking.

when i'm in my hometown, my sister and i go to a jazz club every friday at the local grocery store! sounds funny but it's really cool. we also go to church together every sunday and to the art gallery that's free on sundays.

i have friends over to dinner and we play cards. it's in the heart of the city and all the festivals are right out my front door.

the real shame of it all is that it's exactly the type of place H would love but his false pride and stubbornness will keep him from seeing and enjoying it. oh, well. my mom used to call something like this, "cutting off your nose to spite your face"!

thank you so much for your words of encouragement. i really needed them!