thank you, zig. that's and inspirational post for me. i think you are so right. i really need to stop listening to his complaints and do what's right for me.
i need to stop WAITING for him to get it or change his mind. from the things he's saying, i don't know if he will ever get it. in his mind, all the things he did in our marriage that were negative were caused by me. all the things i did in our marriage that were negative were ALSO caused by me.
he's yet to take responsibility for his actions. and when i do, it's because i'm trying to get him back.
so, it's a no-win situation as it stands today. going to my condo to visit my family and friends is, at least, a winning situation for me. it may cause him to withdraw further and/or file but it's better than just sitting here, day after day, stewing, fretting, and worrying about this sitch and what he's thinking.
when i'm in my hometown, my sister and i go to a jazz club every friday at the local grocery store! sounds funny but it's really cool. we also go to church together every sunday and to the art gallery that's free on sundays.
i have friends over to dinner and we play cards. it's in the heart of the city and all the festivals are right out my front door.
the real shame of it all is that it's exactly the type of place H would love but his false pride and stubbornness will keep him from seeing and enjoying it. oh, well. my mom used to call something like this, "cutting off your nose to spite your face"!
thank you so much for your words of encouragement. i really needed them!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I think the trip up there sounds amazing. You need to be around your sister! I have also been making trips home and it is so nourishing to be around my "folks." H always got antsy going with me because there isn't really a lot to "do" out there and my parents don't really "do" much, so we'd leave after a few days. Now, I can go out, do things at my own pace, and enjoy home for what it is.
Maybe pick up some new art at one of the festivals, zazz up the place a little!
If you feel up to it, maybe drop H a note letting him know he's welcome to join you up there anytime, even if he would never.
I was thinking of letting him know that I'll come back when/if he wants to work on our marriage. He can live at home and be by himself, which he's not now.
I'm just afraid it might push him over the brink. Or, that he will use it as an excuse to file. 25 says to not do things that are worse for the marriage and keep doing things that are.
What's good for the marriage, in his mind (mind reading but seems so) is to have me out here in the country, on the shelf, waiting for him to decide to R or D. He once said we are in limbo because I didn't want to D.
Why doesn't he file, then??
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
thanks, bug. we do have an agreement to let the other know if we'll be out of town.
i just can't stand sitting around waiting for him to decide. but, maybe he has decided. my IC thinks he has a beneficial reason for him to stay married but separated at this time but we can't figure it out.
i know i have a financial benefit to stay married but really he doesn't.
it's all so confusing.
thanks for any help you all give me. all opinions are appreciated.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
"Just finished the monday morning meeting. gosh was it long, I have a couple of things to tell you about.
S27 had to work until 5 something last night ( he has taken the new job at xxx burgers as an assiantant manager) so by the time I was able to see him all we did was have a beer and a salad at xxx restaurant. ( it was nice ). He gave we a card that said something like this the older he gets the more he is proud of me and the more he looks up to me. He is kind of following the email you sent about the 14 year old turning 21. with S27 things take longer for sure.
Next I wanted to let you know that I will be coming out to the house after work to do the lawn and I am going to buy a ele weed eater and a new blade for the edger.
I see S40 birth day is this week please tell him when it happens I said Happy Birthday."
do i need to respond? should i just say, "ok. thank you for letting me know and say i'll tell my son (S40) happy birthday for him?
when it was his son's birthday a couple of weeks ago, i ask him to do the same since his kids now have nothing to do with me.
the last email i sent H was yesterday, pretty much dropping the rope on staying connected for anything other than just business and such.
is he feeling me out again?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
One way that I've been testing myself is saying is there a QUESTION to answer in the communication. He said he was coming by. I assume you'll be home you can mention to him then that you got the email. I think a 180 for you would be to NOT reply.
(don't know how good I am at this right now. I'm feel a bit bitter today!)
Leave a note, "there's a cold one in the fridge" and go GAL. Or send an email "Thanks for letting me know. I have other plans, there's a beer in the fridge."
Is the relationship you have now the one you want?
Do you feel good about it?
It seems to me you're clouding decisions for you on how he will react.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
