Lost

[vera be fierce]

What about a simple "Great, thanks."

[dscl]

What about a simple "Great, thanks."

Thanks for the reply, but I think it would be best just to stay dark.I really have to stop thinking of her and her issues and start thinking of me and my D and continue working on GAL.

[dscl]

So I have a question,

One of the issues my W says I have is being distant and not wanting to do things with the family, that being the case, is going dark really a good option for me? For example, got a couple of 2x4 when I mentioned that I was king to ask W to go shopping with me for D's birthday gift. I do understand that going dark is to have them miss you and to have them think about what we are doing, but for a person with my past does this not send the signal of more of the same?

Sorry if I seem to be all over the place.

[bustorama]

Yeah, it is good when you start realizing all the ways you dropped the ball in the past. Keep doing that homework.

I was just like you, my W would BEG me to go work out with her, go to a spin class, etc. I would totally miss the point that she was trying to connect with me and beg off by telling her to leave me alone I wanted to play on the computer. Great, huh?

Your plan to see IC is great. What do you see as some of your goals going in?

Re: the being distant and not connected, it was probably not just that you weren't connected to W, but also that you were not connected to D (and maybe other people in your life). So a 180 for you is definitely to be less distant to be someone that wants to be more connected with people around him.

As a starting point, really focus alot of attention on your D. Get out and do new things with her, reconnect with her, spend lots of time with her doing interesting and exciting things, talking or coloring with her or arts and crafts or sports if she likes that. What does she like to do?

In terms of your W, the problem is that she is in an A so if your boundary involves that, then you can't be seeking out connection with her. It's your own question of enforcement re: how dark you intend to be with her. One end of the spectrum is absolutely zero/zilch no contact. That you won't share ANY of yourself with someone that is cheating on you. If that's your boundary, then enforce it.

It is possible to be pretty intimate with someone without talking to them just by being open and honest with them. Like if she were to call or try to talk to you, just you sharing that you really wish you could listen to her and talk to her, but you can't under the current circumstances speaks volumes.

Re: her interpreting your actions as accusation/etc. she will see things this way for awhile based on past interactions. Don't try to argue her out of her feelings. If you ever do say anything about a misinterpretation like that, you do it by validating:

"Oh, W, it sounds like you heard that I was criticizing you, is that right? I can totally see how you would feel that way based on how things were when we were together."

And if she says yes, you could try to make amends for hurting her in the past by criticizing her.

"I'm sorry for hurting you like that by being critical." but not in order to get a response, just to say you are sorry for it (if you are).

[dscl]

hanks, the issue is she never calls and I don't want to pursue by calling/texting so it almost like a stalemate. Then the issue is if going dark will make he seek me out, but the issue is that that is one of the things she said was a problem with us(being distant).

I have starting doing more with my D, the only "good" thing that has come out of all this is all the time I spend with her, it's like we are are own little team.

My goals for IC are:

1.Why do I have issues connecting with people?
2. Work on my low self esteem.
3. Work on my co-depent problems.

[dscl]

Posting this here so that I can find when I need it. It's helping me let go of some of my anger.

Was having a talk with a friend of mine and I was going on about how angry I was at W because she was living the life of a single with OM, going out every night,having fun and with no concerns. My friend said "don't believe it, she is feeling shame and sadness but every time she does the OM just whispers in her ear everything she wants to hear to make her feel better and that she is doing the right thing. This is only delaying the hurt that she will go thorough once the A is over and by then you will be way into your path of recovery."

Make me a little sad thinking that W is letting OM use her this way.

[strongerthanever]

I think it's crazy, the internal battle was have. If we only knew how they really felt we wouldNT put ourselves through so much agony. My h is living the same carefree life, and I swear he always looks on top of the world!

they do an amazing job of acting as if. After 4 months of this he recently admitted that he still found life very hard. One thing is for sure, the relief the op offers is only temporary. They still wake up feeling the same, even if op is asleep right beside them. They might make them happy, but they lack that soulful connection your spouse has with you. Trust me, I was once in her shoes.

[25yearsmlc]

you never truly answered my question about why the separate bedrooms. You said she was gone a month and when you "woke up" she was in the guest room. What does that mean?

I'm concerned that totally going dark will NOT help your sitch, even though we usually stand by it.

Below are some reasons/comments as to why...

hanks, the issue is she never calls and I don't want to pursue by calling/texting so it almost like a stalemate.


yes it is. And judging by the comment that you "woke up and she was in the guest room" and NO discussion occurred

means you've been sort of dark awhile...at least verbally. Well, and physically and emotionally too I suppose.

Do you also have a temper or was you behavior during the confrontation unusual for you? Let me rephrase.

Would YOUR WIFE SAY you have a temper or are impulsive?

Do you agree?

Then the issue is if going dark will make he seek me out, but the issue is that that is one of the things she said was a problem with us(being distant).

she probably feels she HAS sought you out in the past...and the door was shut or the walls were up. Your sitch is a bit different than most.


I have starting doing more with my D, the only "good" thing that has come out of all this is all the time I spend with her, it's like we are are own little team.

^^^this is HUGE and is a good route for you to contact your w without looking like pursuing b/c you are being a coparent, AND showing her that you are not so angry that she cannot return. You are

Keeping the road home is paved and smooth...(IOW, don't make it harder for her to come back than it already would be and NO that does not mean she won't have to regain your trust.

But you are FAR from being in a position of telling her your demands for her return...so for now, just work on keeping that road home, paved and smooth.)

Don't show her your anger b/c no matter how justified or RIGHT you feel, it's not going to help you.

so send pics of what daughter does or how she is, with BRIEF notes and NO expectation of return contact. At least not for awhile....

and NO guilting your wife for not being with her d. She KNOWS she's not there. I feel like we've had this conversation before but on another thread...(true??)



My goals for IC are:

1.Why do I have issues connecting with people?

This ^^ is a huge question and, my comment is, it's NOT just your wife.
It's you. See this insight as empowering, not depressing.

It means YOU CAN do something about what is happening.

So what is it you want to work on? I hope you dig deep with your IC on this. It's crucial for anyone to feel close to another and feel intimate, that disclosure happens...

which is also why I think you can share your problems with your mom WITHOUT talking about the OM...yes, you can do that. you can say you are sep and having some major problems and YOU are hurting and trying to be the best dad you can be, etc...

don't cut your mom out of it but if you truly think her reaction to your w's affair won't help you (and most of the time, it will NOT make it easier on your wife to come home if she knows your mom knows...so think it out)

then just tell her you guys are working on some 'tough things" and you'd feel wrong to be more specific.


2. Work on my low self esteem.


see above comments...

3. Work on my co-depent problems.

see above....and don't discount the power of motherhood.

Your w will miss your d and the memories you are creating with d, can only help your d, you and the R you build with w, whether as co parents or a reconciled couple.

Keep it up.


The rest sounds like a plan!

[dscl]

you never truly answered my question about why the separate bedrooms. You said she was gone a month and when you "woke up" she was in the guest room. What does that mean?

I'm concerned that totally going dark will NOT help your sitch, even though we usually stand by it.

Below are some reasons/comments as to why...

hanks, the issue is she never calls and I don't want to pursue by calling/texting so it almost like a stalemate.


yes it is. And judging by the comment that you "woke up and she was in the guest room" and NO discussion occurred

means you've been sort of dark awhile...at least verbally. Well, and physically and emotionally too I suppose.

Do you also have a temper or was you behavior during the confrontation unusual for you? Let me rephrase.

Would YOUR WIFE SAY you have a temper or are impulsive?

Do you agree?

Then the issue is if going dark will make he seek me out, but the issue is that that is one of the things she said was a problem with us(being distant).

she probably feels she HAS sought you out in the past...and the door was shut or the walls were up. Your sitch is a bit different than most.


I have starting doing more with my D, the only "good" thing that has come out of all this is all the time I spend with her, it's like we are are own little team.

^^^this is HUGE and is a good route for you to contact your w without looking like pursuing b/c you are being a coparent, AND showing her that you are not so angry that she cannot return. You are

Keeping the road home is paved and smooth...(IOW, don't make it harder for her to come back than it already would be and NO that does not mean she won't have to regain your trust.

But you are FAR from being in a position of telling her your demands for her return...so for now, just work on keeping that road home, paved and smooth.)

Don't show her your anger b/c no matter how justified or RIGHT you feel, it's not going to help you.

so send pics of what daughter does or how she is, with BRIEF notes and NO expectation of return contact. At least not for awhile....

and NO guilting your wife for not being with her d. She KNOWS she's not there. I feel like we've had this conversation before but on another thread...(true??)



My goals for IC are:

1.Why do I have issues connecting with people?

This ^^ is a huge question and, my comment is, it's NOT just your wife.
It's you. See this insight as empowering, not depressing.

It means YOU CAN do something about what is happening.

So what is it you want to work on? I hope you dig deep with your IC on this. It's crucial for anyone to feel close to another and feel intimate, that disclosure happens...

which is also why I think you can share your problems with your mom WITHOUT talking about the OM...yes, you can do that. you can say you are sep and having some major problems and YOU are hurting and trying to be the best dad you can be, etc...

don't cut your mom out of it but if you truly think her reaction to your w's affair won't help you (and most of the time, it will NOT make it easier on your wife to come home if she knows your mom knows...so think it out)

then just tell her you guys are working on some 'tough things" and you'd feel wrong to be more specific.


2. Work on my low self esteem.


see above comments...

3. Work on my co-depent problems.

see above....and don't discount the power of motherhood.

Your w will miss your d and the memories you are creating with d, can only help your d, you and the R you build with w, whether as co parents or a reconciled couple.

Keep it up.


The rest sounds like a plan!

25, thanks for your reply.

The reason I did not have a discussion when I saw her that morning, I was in total shock. Up to that moment she never called,txt,email or came home sso to see her there was just shocking.

Would YOUR WIFE SAY you have a temper or are impulsive?

I don't think she would say I'm impulsive but would say I have a temper. Nothing abusive of course, but little thing get me angry an I would have to agree she would be right. This is an issue I know have and need to work on.

Now some updates.

So the plan for father's day was to "let" my D take me to the movies. I sat and turned thinking if I should invite the W. On one hand I had "must stay dark, must let her see what life would be like if we did get a D. Then on the other hand "Do I really want her to miss out on a family outing, she is in an A, but can I really say I HATE the woman I've been with for 10yrs and the mother of my child? I can say I'm angry,hurt and disappointed in the choice she made, but I don't HATE her. So after a couple of hours of thinking about it, I sent her this email.

I'm taking D to see Madagascar tmw, just checking to see if you would like to join us?

Her reply:
Yes - will be there. What time?

When she got here, she walked in gave me a hug and said Happy Father's day, I said thank you.

Driving to the movies, D starts telling W about all the things we did in the park the day before and also tells her about how we now have a movie night every Saturday night (netflix) and all the popcorn we eat! I say quiet the whole time, but in the corner of m eye I watch W andI can see she is getting a little sad.

After the movies we go to lunch have small talk, nothing major and NO R talk. Since the whether is nice D starts asking if we could go to the pool. Now here I have a problem, I would love to take D to the pool, but I have the same issue I had the night before, do I ask W if she wants to go?

I think I really should end the day and just go our separate ways, but looking at the smile on D's face I can't bring myself to do it. So I said sure we can go, looking at W, I ask do you want to go? She says yes.

So we go hoe change into our swimsuits and head to the pool. D is having a great time and so are we. After awhile with D in the pool and us sitting on the chairs, W watching D, says "You are a great father", I tell her thanks and that the time I've spent with her these last two months have been great.

Once we leave and get home I grill some hotdogs and ask W if she wants some, she says no that she has to leave, gives D a hug and says she had a wonderful day with us (yes us, not just D). She then turns to me and hands me a father's day card.In the card she wrote, "There is a girl who has a wonderful dad, who loves her, praises her and takes care of her. She ends it with, you are a wonderful father and I love you.

I tell her thank you and that the card really means a lot to me. She gives me a long hug and says bye.

So today was a good day, don't want to read to much into it, seeing how things could be completely different tmw, but it was still nice.

[peringo]

I would have loved to have had your day! Even if its only one day...