Lost

[25yearsmlc]

you never truly answered my question about why the separate bedrooms. You said she was gone a month and when you "woke up" she was in the guest room. What does that mean?

I'm concerned that totally going dark will NOT help your sitch, even though we usually stand by it.

Below are some reasons/comments as to why...

hanks, the issue is she never calls and I don't want to pursue by calling/texting so it almost like a stalemate.


yes it is. And judging by the comment that you "woke up and she was in the guest room" and NO discussion occurred

means you've been sort of dark awhile...at least verbally. Well, and physically and emotionally too I suppose.

Do you also have a temper or was you behavior during the confrontation unusual for you? Let me rephrase.

Would YOUR WIFE SAY you have a temper or are impulsive?

Do you agree?

Then the issue is if going dark will make he seek me out, but the issue is that that is one of the things she said was a problem with us(being distant).

she probably feels she HAS sought you out in the past...and the door was shut or the walls were up. Your sitch is a bit different than most.


I have starting doing more with my D, the only "good" thing that has come out of all this is all the time I spend with her, it's like we are are own little team.

^^^this is HUGE and is a good route for you to contact your w without looking like pursuing b/c you are being a coparent, AND showing her that you are not so angry that she cannot return. You are

Keeping the road home is paved and smooth...(IOW, don't make it harder for her to come back than it already would be and NO that does not mean she won't have to regain your trust.

But you are FAR from being in a position of telling her your demands for her return...so for now, just work on keeping that road home, paved and smooth.)

Don't show her your anger b/c no matter how justified or RIGHT you feel, it's not going to help you.

so send pics of what daughter does or how she is, with BRIEF notes and NO expectation of return contact. At least not for awhile....

and NO guilting your wife for not being with her d. She KNOWS she's not there. I feel like we've had this conversation before but on another thread...(true??)



My goals for IC are:

1.Why do I have issues connecting with people?

This ^^ is a huge question and, my comment is, it's NOT just your wife.
It's you. See this insight as empowering, not depressing.

It means YOU CAN do something about what is happening.

So what is it you want to work on? I hope you dig deep with your IC on this. It's crucial for anyone to feel close to another and feel intimate, that disclosure happens...

which is also why I think you can share your problems with your mom WITHOUT talking about the OM...yes, you can do that. you can say you are sep and having some major problems and YOU are hurting and trying to be the best dad you can be, etc...

don't cut your mom out of it but if you truly think her reaction to your w's affair won't help you (and most of the time, it will NOT make it easier on your wife to come home if she knows your mom knows...so think it out)

then just tell her you guys are working on some 'tough things" and you'd feel wrong to be more specific.


2. Work on my low self esteem.


see above comments...

3. Work on my co-depent problems.

see above....and don't discount the power of motherhood.

Your w will miss your d and the memories you are creating with d, can only help your d, you and the R you build with w, whether as co parents or a reconciled couple.

Keep it up.


The rest sounds like a plan!