Needing some guidance... 4

[jks]

jks, I'm thinking of you this evening and hope you are doing okay.

Thanks so much, reachinghigher. I'm good. Not great but good. Somewhat at peace with myself. My kids went with H yesterday because I had to work and they stayed overnight because of Father's Day today and my mom and her H left for a 3 week trip to Alaska this morning so I'm on my own for a while. I went to church by myself this morning and was a little sad at times when they were talking about fathers and then had some great spiritual moments as well.

I've been hearing this quote a lot lately and it hits me so hard every time, I heard it today at church... "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother."

I remember telling my H this in January and his response was, thanks for making me feel guilty. Obviously, that wasn't my goal. It's just a known fact. It teaches girls about the importance of being with a man that truly respects them and shows them love in an admirable way. It teaches boys the way they should be treating women and how to be respectful. I am still hoping for another chance at that.

This Father's Day has been a weird one. I am here alone. My father passed away 7 years ago and so my previous Father's Days have always been spent with H's father and family. Plus, I would be celebrating my H as the father of my children as well. Just weird that my life is like this now. I'm ok with it, really, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to but it's still weird nonetheless.

H ran that relay race with OW, his sister and his dad over the weekend. Remember how he said he just wanted to get through that and then he would find the best time to end things with OW? I'm not holding my breath. I haven't talked to him much at all.

I struggle everyday to know if I really feel like we can make it through this. At times I think "absolutely," and other times, I think, "wow, this is going to be extremely hard."

I'm pretty used to the fact of planning things for me and only me for my future. I just recently planned a mini getaway with a friend for the 4th of July with my kids. It makes me excited to have something to look forward to. Holidays have been hard but as time goes on, it's getting to be normal.

It's not him and me anymore. It's just me. And at times it feels really good to just do the things I want to do and not have to worry about if H will want to do it or not. I have freedom. I'm enjoying this for what it is.

Something I didn't share that happened last Thursday is my SIL gave my number to a guy she works with and showed him a picture of me. He contacted me on Thurs night and we texted for a while and then he ended up calling me. He asked me what I was looking for in men and I basically said, right now, I don't really know how to answer that. He took that as I just want someone to make out with. I told him, no, I wasn't trying to say that. We talked some more and then he got this really great idea that we should meet each other that night.

By this time it was 11:30 at night. My kids were with me asleep but my mom and her H were here with them. I kept telling him no, it's too late and I'm not ready for the day. I was in my pajamas. He said, don't you ever like to do things that are spontaneous? I said, before I was married, maybe I wouldn't have a problem doing this but right now, I can't. Anyway, he kept pressuring me and I finally told him... well, just so you know, I'm not making out with you. He said, ok.

So I went and met him (yeah, I'm retarded, but kept my guard up) and from the whole conversation I basically got that he just wanted some action. I don't know why he thought I was going to give it to him. It was weird.

I learned that I am building more and more self respect for myself. If this were me before I was married, I would have probably given in (meaning, I would have given him what he wanted). I just lacked the self esteem needed to stand up for myself back then. Granted, I did go and meet him but did not let it go further than just talking. Next time, there will be no meeting involved. I should have stood my ground more on that.

I also learned that the way I feel about H is so much deeper than any way I could feel about another guy right now. The one thing that stood out in my mind while I was with this guy is, my H would never treat a woman this way. Meaning, just call a random girl for a booty call in the middle of the night. He is more respectful than that... (you're probably thinking, did she really just say that? He's having a PA.)

It took a lot for my H to be able to get to a place of finally sleeping with someone else. And the woman he's sleeping with is someone he's known for a long time and they did have an EA for almost a year or more before they slept together. So, yes, what he's doing to me right now is disrespectful but I don't think he uses women to get action. I genuinely feel like he thinks he could spend the rest of his life with this woman. And, who knows, he still might.

So just some crazy things I've been going through and thinking about lately. I keep learning things about myself daily. The learning process never stops. I like me and I'm feeling like I can see good thing for my future. I don't know exactly what that is yet but I feel good about it still.

I also wanted to let a lot of you know, that I think I am among some really amazing people on these boards. The amount of strength and courage it takes to take the "higher road" is really so commendable. In a society where everyone believes they're entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want... it's refreshing to know there's still people out there that value hard work and long suffering. Life is that much more meaningful when we've worked so hard to achieve the things we know are right.