QS and AJ - Yes, there's more I've left out, but mostly because I get long winded. I guess that comes from being more internal with my thought process and not so chatty.

I do enjoy people, but like S12, I tend to need to warm up to people first before I can start to be more forthcoming in conversation. Sometimes it's my low tolerance for B.S. and since I've been more mindful of trying not to be critical of anyone or anything, I've noticed how much more other people complain about stuff that doesn't really matter.

I had stepped up the efforts to be more mindful of the effort she puts into her personal maintenance over the past two years. I wasn't always a handsy kind of guy and I tend to keep my inner freak in the closet until I can let him out.

I wasn't always the best gift giver. I'd always been a really creative type, but somewhere the reality of living check-to-check sucked a bit of life out of me. So instead of taking better care of those I care the most about, I was more concerned with just getting a moment to relax.

It's true that we learn from our parents. I don't know my father and my mother had to make due with her own means of supporting us. She was always working so I've often wondered if my work ethic was how I conveyed my love for my family. I'm pretty sure that was part of what built up my stress. I was trying so hard to make it at a difficult job and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was going to lose that job and my W and kids would be homeless. I've since learned that that was my anxiety doing that to me. I have better control of my actions and surroundings now and have embraced time with the kids as well as juggling time between work and school. It's more of a load than I'd ever handled my whole life, but I think I'm doing okay. At least my anxiety seems to be in check, I don't stress out much anymore.

I'm still juggling the whole thing about talking to my W about my displeasure with her decision. I know I'll have to say something soon enough so I'm still working through the Switzerland (neutral) approach to someone who doesn't much care what I think. I want, so very much, for her to experience what it is that she believes she will with her new life. "IF" we are ever to be together in the end, we can never be anything until her restless soul has settled down. It's why I haven't told her about my diagnosis for having tested positive for cancer. If anything, there's no reason to tell her about it yet anyway since I'm still awaiting the "second" opinion. A positive result is a positive result, but I'm still waiting to hear if there's going to be more involved than just cutting it out. If there is more to it, then that would mean it's a nasty situation to be in. I have no answers yet, so no need to get bent out of shape over it.

Back to the other matter....

I feel like she has to find her way. Just because she's been "civil" to me doesn't mean she hasn't played by the MLC rules. I chalk it up to me just being a bit more fortunate than so many others in these forums. If she is going to find her way, I feel like she has to believe that all that I've done these past few years is real and know what it's like for me to not be around. I'm conditioned at this point to being used to not seeing her for a day or two at a time or for more than a few hours in the evening. She's been a bit full of resentment towards me and knowing I'm home when she gets there is probably that much more unbearable for her.

I'm still in the flux though. Others are answering my question in regards to the MLC playbook and how it applies to post move-out. So many similarities, but twice as many different outcomes. I've got plans for this weekend with the in-laws. I'm not looking forward to it, but that's because it will be the first time I will have seen them since my W moved out. I'm still not sure how much they know, but it seems I'm the one to learn about things last anyway. I don't want to talk about it, so we'll see what we see. This is followed up by my B in-laws wedding in a few weeks. It really is an honor to have been asked to be a part of the wedding party, but I really don't want to be there. I'm happy for them, but as I've said before, I don't want to be around my W right now. I'll put my happy face on for everyone, but it's hard not to feel like the elephant in the closet. Due to my personal obligations the morning after the wedding, if I'm not taking the kids home with me then I'm hoping I get an opportunity to get out of dodge before everyone wakes up for breakfast. I don't like feeling like I'm being watched and the past few "family" get togethers, I would catch my W looking at me across the room and it wasn't a happy look.

The Big Guy upstairs will let me know one way of the other. He hasn't stopped the dreams where my W is irritated with me, but I guess he's keeping me conditioned for detachment. I can't really say, but I'll be doing a lot of praying the week of the wedding. I want to skip town uber early, but not look like an obvious cop-out. Not sure if it will even work out in my favor, but I will see I guess. I'm so tired of feeling sub-human.