Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

And try not to worry these things sometimes have a way of working themselves out remember that outdoor event I dodn't know if I should go to? It got cancelled due to bad weather!


yes! isn't it crazy that life keeps on showing us repeatedly that the less we fight, or resist, the easier things are for us, and that when we just let it go, the answer comes for us from somewhere else?

i tried so hard to figure things out this morning - except i didn't know even what i was trying to figure out, that i eventually got a migraine, i think - or at least got to the point where i just had to go and sleep. i think the trip was physically a lot harder on me than i realized.

weirdly though, when i got back last night, i was calm and peaceful and felt really okay with where i was at, except for the niggling little thing of would i go this morning or not. maybe the decision was more weighted than i realized

I was in a way way worse place than you.

well, you may think so, but it's confession time - i'm finally ready to admit that i am in a way way worse place than i realized all these months. i am almost non-functional. the last couple of months i have fallen into a depression (i think part of the acceptance thing) and i am not able to focus on working. i barely get anything done each day - manage in fits and starts to accomplish just what i have to. i was really good at keeping the house together and cooking and practical stuff, and now it's all i can do to have a clean pair of shorts for s when he's here.

so i may not be having panic attacks - but i do have some serious crying jags every once in a while. in between though i do have genuine ease and calm and am quite happy and able to accept where i am

reading Melody Beatties cnm - workbook this morning - i am taking the first step - admitting to my powerlessness over this situation and h, and how my life is really unmanageable.

i'm also soothing myself as much as i can right now - trying not to be too hard on myself and understanding that i have to go through this and that the thing to aim for is to just focus on one day at a time and that's all i need to do.

i've literally just found out today that worrying is actually a way of controlling - never knew that, and in knowing that and wanting to let go of the control, i actually have given myself some kind of permission to stop worrying (which is hopefully the first step towards stopping ruminating)

so even though today has been a painful day - and not one that i expected - i have learned a lot and even though i still feel like shite and it hurts to look at the computer screen, i am quietly happy that i went through this and emerged through on the other side of it in some way.

thanks brit - for talking with me as i went through it

zig