Soulmates

[AJM]

I probably don't get very philosophical with my beliefs - I am probably more pragmatic. I allowed myself to become 110% devoted to my X - no looking back. I chose to have him as my best friend and confidant. I chose to love every second of good and work through every moment of bad. I chose to believe that words he spoke and wrote were truths.

I think it's a dangerous thing to believe in one soulmate for life. If that's your belief, you will never be able to consider a relationship with someone else and you will feel cheated because yours left. You will feel a void that will never go away if you can't love being single. But if you revise your notions of soulmates to either abandon the belief as some above suggest or to consider you may be lucky to have more than one (or like I'm saying, many who aren't even romantically connected to you), you will stop focusing on the loss of "the one" you had so far and instead focus on the promise of many or the removal of the pressure that there was only one who is gone.

I overheard a conversation at the grocery store today. Lady was talking (flirting really) with the clerk guy. She said she worked at a psych hospital as a nurse. She mentioned that she thought that they would be out of business if people (the patients) would accept reality vs. working so hard for what they felt "should be." Hmm...

IB, stand back for a second. You put in 110% of yourself into your marriage. Your husband likely didn't lie or deceive. He changed (perspective and values). But you weren't fooled because he meant it when he said it (most likely). You are not so easily fooled. None of us are unless we are really and truthfully crazy. Few are crazy even if we don't understand their perspective and motives.

Was it wrong for you to put that level of effort into your marriage? I think you were not. I know it wasn't wrong for me.

Were you happy for much of it? If you were happy for much of it, doesn't it stand to reason when you are ready to put that level of effort into a relationship with somebody who gives that back, that you will be overwhelmed with joy and happiness?

When you accept what is, vs. what you expected or wanted or thought it would be (accept that the dream is over), you can be at peace. When you are at peace, you can begin to freely explore your world and embrace it - the good and the bad (what is good or bad? That's a topic for another time in my opinion but it has to do with perspective and time.) When you are freely exploring your world, you will likely find that people are attracted to you like moths to a light. When you really start to look around, you'll likely find a person you can and want to share your life with.

You'll have learned to love again and you'll have practiced those ideas with yourself. Put that level of effort into you and your life that you would have put into your marriage and your husband. I bet you'll be glad you did.

AJ