Soulmates

[AntoniaB]

IB you said this:

"I think I am trying to learn from these choices because at some point I missed the signs. Now I don't know what were truths and what were lies. I am not sure how you move on into developing new relationships if you don't know the signs."

Brookie always says you did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had. This statement above is one that sounds as if you are taking the blame for things still. You seem to think that you were supposed to be able to figure out that this person was perhaps "not" your soulmate or was deceptive, and if you'd have been able to figure that out, to see the signs, then you might not have gotten involved or you might have ended things before you got so hurt. You can only go with what you see on the surface and what's in your heart. It's not your job to be able to decipher signs that someone isn't who they say they are (and frankly, I'm sure he WAS who he said he was until his MLC). If you take it on as your job to figure out the signs, then you take the blame if you can't figure them out. Don't take the blame for this soulmate leaving your life.

Now on the concept of soulmates, I LOVE what my psychiatrist said from the beginning. Her personal view is that a soulmate is anyone with whom you have a mutually beneficial relationship that helps both of you grow for any length of time. Therefore you have many soulmates. They are male and female and they are often platonic. I can think of a handful of people besides my XH who had a huge impact on my life who may or may not be in it anymore, that when we had nothing more to learn we perhaps drifted apart. Does that mean we never come back together? Not necessarily.

I met a friend 20 years ago through my XHs best friend. She was his girlfriend. We did group activities together but never were close. She is a very spiritual person. She contacted me and XH by phone after not seeing her for 10 years when he and I were first separated. She had just ended her 17 year relationship and she was lost and trying to reconnect with old friends. As it turned out, she and I became unbelievably close from our shared experiences over the past 20 years that we didn't know about. She is so close to me now that I consider her a sister. She is a soulmate to me and I am one to her.

We found each other again after a very long disconnect that was never angry or spiteful. We just drifted out of each others' lives. Now we are connected strongly and maybe we will be the rest of our lives. But maybe something will happen and we won't be.

If she were to change in some way that would impact our friendship, I would never say "I should have read the signs." I am in a platonic relationship with her because we give to each other in the present moment. If something happens with us, I won't go back and regret this time or regret that I couldn't see something coming.

I think it's a dangerous thing to believe in one soulmate for life. If that's your belief, you will never be able to consider a relationship with someone else and you will feel cheated because yours left. You will feel a void that will never go away if you can't love being single. But if you revise your notions of soulmates to either abandon the belief as some above suggest or to consider you may be lucky to have more than one (or like I'm saying, many who aren't even romantically connected to you), you will stop focusing on the loss of "the one" you had so far and instead focus on the promise of many or the removal of the pressure that there was only one who is gone.

Sorry to go on so long, you guys know I can't answer anything in 5 lines or less ;-)