so defeated and scared silly

[scaredsilly]

i want to go back to my hometown and see my sister and be near my family. however, the condo i bought up there is a very sore spot with my H. he said my buying it was "the nail in the coffin" for our marriage because i bought it and made it know i was buying it with, or without, him.

he's on all the documents but he said he will never go up there. i'm pretty sure (mind reading) that it holds this distaste for him because we were up there prior to the purchase for a high school reunion and i called my first boyfriend and met up with him for a little over an hour.

my H had done the same thing about 15 years ago and i was fine with it. this time, he was angry. i took my sister with me so it would all be above board and we met on the lawn of the state house building and talked about his family and mine. very innocent but he's not been able to get over it.

the last time i went up there, he asked me if i called the old bf so it's still on his mind.

if i go up again, i know it will p!ss him off again and he'll withdraw even further. but i really need my sister now.

rick, you're right. i so want to control the outcome. i either want to have us R or have us D and move on. i've always been pro-active and i'm not handling this waiting and wondering well at all.

i don't know what to do. i live in our house and he lives with his mother. this is his hometown and he has all his friends, his mother, his uncle (who lives next door), his sisters (who are there all the time), and his daughter to be around. cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. my son and his family live 15 minutes away but they have 5 kids and i can't keep intruding on their lives. besides, i need to be around adults and do adult activities.

he's also still working so he has his work, his work friend and his work activities. i'm retired. no wonder he doesn't miss me.

i'm out in the country and it's a 25 mile trip into town to do something. my condo in my hometown is smack in the middle of a big city with lots to do. i also have all my family there and childhood friends.

he has me on the shelf, waiting for him to make up his mind.
i've been GAL like crazy but it's very lonely doing it by myself all the time.