Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

A therapist who is not my IC told me to start learning a new language or something left brain related during the time that H was living here but dating and I was having panic attacks

what left brain activity did u use that helped?

[Brit45]

No I didn't mean you were sounding like a martyr sometimes I catch myself in that mindset like "I want to grow so this is a challenge I must go through" when really u think it's a lot more like listening to myself. I do forced self to do things like go for a walk when I when feel sorry for myself LOL

And try not to worry these things sometimes have a way of working themselves out remember that outdoor event I dodn't know if I should go to? It got cancelled due to bad weather!

[Brit45]

I was in a way way worse place than you. Panic attacks couldn't go to work etc. barely functioning I didn't do anything and I should have. She had suggested taking a class or learning a language. Anything to occupy my brain.

[zig]

And try not to worry these things sometimes have a way of working themselves out remember that outdoor event I dodn't know if I should go to? It got cancelled due to bad weather!


yes! isn't it crazy that life keeps on showing us repeatedly that the less we fight, or resist, the easier things are for us, and that when we just let it go, the answer comes for us from somewhere else?

i tried so hard to figure things out this morning - except i didn't know even what i was trying to figure out, that i eventually got a migraine, i think - or at least got to the point where i just had to go and sleep. i think the trip was physically a lot harder on me than i realized.

weirdly though, when i got back last night, i was calm and peaceful and felt really okay with where i was at, except for the niggling little thing of would i go this morning or not. maybe the decision was more weighted than i realized

I was in a way way worse place than you.

well, you may think so, but it's confession time - i'm finally ready to admit that i am in a way way worse place than i realized all these months. i am almost non-functional. the last couple of months i have fallen into a depression (i think part of the acceptance thing) and i am not able to focus on working. i barely get anything done each day - manage in fits and starts to accomplish just what i have to. i was really good at keeping the house together and cooking and practical stuff, and now it's all i can do to have a clean pair of shorts for s when he's here.

so i may not be having panic attacks - but i do have some serious crying jags every once in a while. in between though i do have genuine ease and calm and am quite happy and able to accept where i am

reading Melody Beatties cnm - workbook this morning - i am taking the first step - admitting to my powerlessness over this situation and h, and how my life is really unmanageable.

i'm also soothing myself as much as i can right now - trying not to be too hard on myself and understanding that i have to go through this and that the thing to aim for is to just focus on one day at a time and that's all i need to do.

i've literally just found out today that worrying is actually a way of controlling - never knew that, and in knowing that and wanting to let go of the control, i actually have given myself some kind of permission to stop worrying (which is hopefully the first step towards stopping ruminating)

so even though today has been a painful day - and not one that i expected - i have learned a lot and even though i still feel like shite and it hurts to look at the computer screen, i am quietly happy that i went through this and emerged through on the other side of it in some way.

thanks brit - for talking with me as i went through it

zig

[vera be fierce]

i've literally just found out today that worrying is actually a way of controlling - never knew that, and in knowing that and wanting to let go of the control, i actually have given myself some kind of permission to stop worrying (which is hopefully the first step towards stopping ruminating)

This is really profound. Thank you for posting this - my family always says we're "worriers" - I guess really we're all just trying to control things! I'm going to marinate on this. Thanks.

[zig]

journaling:

so i decided to really listen to what h was saying this morning about s's b'day party. i realize now that i have been "projecting" my own stuff onto how he may view the party and what it implies.

i need to separate what i think his motives are from what he is saying he wants to do. i have been having thoughts such as - he wants to have this party so he can show everyone that we are great, and i can't participate in that kind of thing etc.

well - after i read sgctok's first post on the power packaging - something shifted in me. i need to stop thinking about his motives or agenda, and just accept things at face value and see the positive in each situation.

so i decided i am going to see it as a very positive thing that h wants to host the party together and his aim is just to have a fun party like we always do. and to STOP doing what i always do, which is seeing the worst in every situation and looking for and imagining the worst of it.

i didn't really know how to get myself out of the position i put myself in this morning - which was asking him whether he was really okay with having all our friends there and hosting a party together.

i decided to just do it differently - and just not explain myself or how i'd changed my mind. just took the bull by the horns, called him and said - wanted to check if you want to invite this one family (he spends a lot of time with the guy, and they've gotten quite close), and that i need his email address - basically letting him know indirectly that i was going to go along with his requests - of inviting all our friends and doing the invites.

he actually responded in a friendly manner and we discussed a couple of things. i said i'd make a list and email it to him so s and he could go over it and finalize it.

i casually said - you're right we should do it this way - everyone loves it and has a blast and so do we. he agreed

so there it goes, and i'm just not going to fight this or resist it in anyway - i have always loved that party and i'm going to love it this year too and make sure that it's great for everyone. i'm just going to look at it as - maybe h is ready to have a positive experience together, or maybe he's not, but either way i could make it a great experience for myself.

zig

[zig]

i meant to mention in my last post the reason for my depression. the depression isn't about accepting that h has left, it is actually about after letting go of all the reasons he is doing what he is doing, by letting go of the focus on HIM , i am starting to SEE myself more and who and what i really am and finding that there is so much to work on that it is almost overwhelming.

to REALLY start to look in the mirror and see what i have been and where i need to change and improve - is a huge prospect. i find, that instead of turning away from it and being scared of approaching it, i want to embrace it fully and go through the pain of learning who i am, what i have to change and how i can change it.

my journey is just beginning , it seems, and the journey with h and how things go between us seem less and less important each day - as if i'm suddenly really beginning to understand how much more crucial it is that I HEAL rather than that our marriage heals, right now.

i imagine the depression about it is part of the first step in moving in that direction - and that as i trust more and more that i am capable of making this journey on my own, i will become more confident and able to do it.

zig

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Zig,

Yes, it's important to look for the good in all the discomfort. That does help a ton.

You are doing the best you can and remind yourself of that too. Patience with yourself above all else is important. These situation ARE difficult - no matter how you slice it. It's ok to feel down about it, it's a pretty darn good reason in fact to feel down about it, but you're perseverance and attitude of growth does help lift the old spirit. Good for you!

I understand the lethargy and not being able to focus so well at the moment too. Have you tried homeopathy to help out with the anxiety? It does help to clear it out of the aura as well as the body.

Take care of yourself Yes, you are your own priority.

[zig]

thanks yc- i'm back on my anti-depressants since last week. they aren't allopathic - i got them from the naturopath and they are definitely helping.

i realized what happened just last week. i had noticed that i was doing less and less well these last couple of months and put it down to the sitch getting worse and worse. then one day i realized that around march i quit taking them - convinced that i didn't need them anymore and that if i was good in this sitch, and could a mange to feel great in spite of what was going on that i was past needing them

well, i believe i was wrong and my downhill slide proves that - there is noting changed in the sitch really - the change has been how i have been handling it.

i would love to try the homeopathy - but can't afford to go to the homeopath - did you get something from a organic store, or did you go to the homeopath?

thanks for the encouragement

zig

[zig]

this from Codependent no more workbook

"I've learned to redefine happiness too, Happiness is not the lack of problems or pain. Happiness is surrendering to every feeling that comes along and being at peace with what is, even if I'm feeling white hot rage. I've noticed something surprising. Often the people who have lost the most are the happiest after they get through their grief. That's because they dropped their illusions about life and learned to accept life on life's terms"