Swimming with Turtles pt 2

[zig]

oh gosh - did i sound like a martyr - i wasn't feeling that at all.

but you're right - let h and s have day together - i actually realized when i saw your words, that i was thinking that I hd to acknowledge h being a father on father's day also - didn't realize that it's about s having to acknowledge father's day to h.

hmm - funny how we approach things, all twisted.

mil called a bit ago - to let me know again that i was invited. i told her that i was on the fence about coming , but that i had decided to come. she said i really didn't have to if i didn't feel like it.

now an hour later - i really don't feel like it, so i called and told mil that i wasn't coming. she asked if i wanted to talk to h or s and i said sure - so i said happy father's day to h - and he asked about my trip and whether it was worth going, and i said happily yes.

he wanted to know whether my back was really sore - and i asked why, and he said because you didn't take the bedroll from my house, so it must surely be sore. i said i didn't have a problem and he seemed really surprised.

then he asked if i was coming, and i said that i had planned to but wasn't feeling all that good and decided to skip it. he said he wasn't staying very long, and that mil was taking s shopping this afternoon for the b'day party favors(which i already knew) then went into talking about the b'day party

that's where we went into weird territory - the party is coming up, on the 30th and i have of course been struggling with that. this party isn't just s's b'day party - it's our big social bash of the year where we invite everyone we know .

he said we should send out the invitations - and i threw out - just to all the kids in s's class? and he said, well all the other people we usually invite also (meaning all our good friends) and i just asked gently that was he saying we were going to host a social party like before, together, and that i just wanted to know if that was what he was comfortable with doing. he said - well we shouldn't not have a b'day party just because we are separated and i said well inviting everyone is more than that, but if he's comfortable with it, i could think about it and get back to him.

he said we should talk later - that there were things we needed to talk about - oh oh what's coming next!!!!!! and i said sure - there were, but not right now since he was there.

so - either i put out something he hadn't thought about and now will rethink, about whether it is a good idea or not to invite all our friends like before. or he'll just let it go.

about the invitations - he made it clear that that was something i always took care of and that i should take care of it this time too. i said lightly - well maybe we should change our roles here and do things differently - that he could do the invitations. he insisted that i should and i said well, why don't you and son put the list together.i asked if he simply didn't want to deal with it and he replied firmly no i don't. i think i said lightly that i really don't either - but not sure if i said that

you guys are always right - i just spend too much time over analyzing everything. beginning to understand that it is co-dependent behaviour that i really need to work on

thanks for walking me through this - again

one of these imminent days, i shall allow myself to release from this dysfunctional way of dealing with my stuff

zig